| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Laura |
Posted - 10/09/2004 : 12:22:01
I would love to know if anyone can offer any insight into dealing with a spouse who has TMS but won't admit it. Here's the deal. For months now my husband has been complaing of chest pains. The pain would only happen right after sex. He could go to the spin class at the gym and pump his heart rate up and never had a problem. But give him a few minutes with me and he'd jump off the bed and grab his chest for a few seconds. He finally had a stress test done but was still having the pains. I told him he should see a different doctor or get a more conclusive test done. Off he went to another doctor who ordered a nuclear stress test, which is supposed to be way more accurate. The second doctor told him that the pain he was having was "abnormal - it is not normal to have chest pain after sexual relations." The second test came back negative. The chest pain now appears to be gone. It should be noted that the chest pain started at a time when his bosses were really messing with him and eliminated his position of 15 years. They told him he wasn't doing a good job as a manager (all this after he just was awarded the number one guy in the country for the 5th time, with five trophies to prove it.)
My husband decided to get his real estate license while he still had a job (they made him a straight sales person, with a guaranteed salary for six months). He found a great gig at a loan company and is working there part time while learning the business. Every morning, he goes to the new job for a few hours, then off to the old job where he tries to make a few deals so they don't figure out what he's up to, and then back to the new job. He puts in 13 and 14 hour days. The first thing he says every day when he walks in the door is "I have the worst headache" and "I am so tired." Finally, I said "I'm seeing a pattern here. Every day you are having a bad headache." My husband then blew up at me and said things like "Do you think I like working two jobs? What do you want me to do, quit because it's giving me a headache...." and on and on and on.
Yesterday, he walked in and sighed and said "I am so tired. And my jaw hurts really bad. I don't know if it's from the dentist having my mouth clamped open for two hours or if I'm getting sick and my throat is sore." I optimistically said "I'm sure you're not getting sick. It's probably just your TMJ." When I said "TMJ" I meant temporomandibular joint not temporomandibular joint syndrome. I just am so used to saying TMJ because of my own situation that I didn't word it right. He flew off the handle again and said "Why are you so negative. I don't want to give myself labels now. I don't have TMJ like you.." and on and on again.
I clearly do not know how to deal with my husband and if things don't improve soon I will seriously be contemplating divorce. I've stuck by his side for all these years of bulls--- with his first job and I'm not going to be the whipping post for job two. Any advice? Has anyone had a spouse who they believe suffers from TMS that has been successful in dealing with them? It's funny -- my husband is the first one to admit that all the Sarno stuff applies to me but when it comes to him, he would NEVER admit it. I appreciate any input. Thanks!
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| 8 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Laura |
Posted - 10/14/2004 : 20:01:24
Thanks, Paul. I will take your advice. Things are definitely better. A lot of the stress is due to the fact that he's plugging away at his new job as a loan officer and was not having much luck getting any deals. His nickname at his other job used to be Pirahna because he's such an animal when it comes to selling. He keeps telling me "Failure is not an option" and I know he is feeling dejected because he thought this new thing was going to be as easy as his other sales job. Anyway, a couple of things are finally happening for him and he seems happier and more positive. Thank you again for your input. I appreciate it.
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| pault |
Posted - 10/14/2004 : 05:05:35
Laura , try not to confront your husband when he comes home tired.Give him a hug instead and try to understand how he feels.Talk later when he is in a rested state,to "discuss" your problems with him.He hates being that way more than you do,as it is his only way to deal with the stress! |
| Laura |
Posted - 10/10/2004 : 21:50:00
Dear Tom,
You are so right. In fact, two and a half years ago (when my dizziness problem started), I had been in a fight with my parents that was so intense we stopped talking altogether for a year. I was ready to write them off. Eventually, I was the one to call them and try to mend things. At the same time that was going on, my best friend and I decided our friendship was over. That was a really tough time for me. Not surprising that the dizziness started at that time. I felt so sad about the loss of those two relationships. Eventually, I mended the relationship with my friend as well but some of the things that were said have stuck with me to this day. I notice that the only time my dizziness starts up it usually ties in with negative thoughts about what others think of me.
Anyway, thanks for all your kind words. I'm glad things are better too.
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| tennis tom |
Posted - 10/10/2004 : 19:45:53
Laura,
Glad things are better today. It's amazing how arguments can make us feel so unsetlled and depressed. My brother is my business partner and about once a year we have a big fight, where all our issues, old and new, come up. I don't instigate it, but defend myself, which fans the flames. We had one recently and, as I said, it made me feel unsettled and depressed afterwards even though I felt right about my side of the issues.
My brother left me a message the next day and apologized and said how bad it made him feel and that he couldn't understand what takes him over durinng our annual argument. Resentments come up from years ago pertaining to incidents I felt were trivial or I have no recollection of at all anymore, but are still coming up and eating at him.
I felt much relieved after he left me the apology message. It's amazing how words can hurt or heal.
Glad things are better for you. |
| Laura |
Posted - 10/10/2004 : 11:17:24
Dear Tom,
Thank you so much for your input. No, I'm not the one who was considering counseling although it may be something I'll consider if the stress between my husband and I continues. In answer to your question about our daughters helping, the answer is -- not enough. This has been a huge contributor to my TMS. I am too much of a nice guy (goodist) and let everyone off the hook way too much. Then I get angry for their lack of participation in doing chores.
As far as my husband, he was gone for the day yesterday at a function for his new company (they are a lending company and they had a booth where they passed out t-shirts all day, trying to get business). He came home last night at about 10:30 but I wasn't in the mood to start talking about anything. This morning, however, we talked about it and things are much better. You are right about him having a say in what his daughter wears. I agree. As her mother, I don't like her running around in certain things either. The thing is, he'll say nothing to our 12 year old if an inch of her tummy shows and our 15 year old will walk down and he'll make a huge issue. It bothers me that he is not consistent with both, probably because I was such a victim of favoritism in my home growing up (Mom who openly told me my sis was her favorite).
We have a pretty solid marriage and I'm sure things will work out. I guess yesterday I was feeling a little desperate. This morning, my husband announced "My jaw doesn't hurt anymore." For some reason, when things are going good in the job (I guess yesterday was productive) then he isn't dwelling on the physical - duh, that makes perfect TMS sense.
Thank you and hope you had a great tennis day. I envy you, what with my toe in a splint.
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| tennis tom |
Posted - 10/10/2004 : 09:07:05
Dear Laura,
Well, here I am, a single guy, never been married, never had kids, giving marriage advice-what's this site coming to? It sure sounds like your family and marriage is in a major crisis and at the breaking point. You're ready to bail and your husband is over-working himself into a TMS-frenzy.
If I recall, and didn't mix up posts, your husband wanted to go to counseling. Do you think he wants out of the marriage too? Is the counseling a way of having a referee for an exit strategy?
When I work hard and am tired, I often use that justification for doing and saying what I want; "After all, I earned it!"
Your husbands chest pains are TMS. He has had all the tests and they show nothing serious. They sound similar to the two painic attacks I have had about 20 years apart. At least he is having them after sex and not before. They can be really scarey until a white-coat reassures you, that your healthy, and it's not a heart attack.
You're laid up with the broken toe-are your two daughters helping out around the house, pitching in? If not, IMHO they should be. When your husband critcized your daughter for the way she was dressesd, was he right? Did she look like Brittany Spears? Altough it was bad timing on his part-her birthday, if he's paying for the outfits he has a right to be critical.
If you get a divorve, will you and your daughters be able to maintain your lifestyle, less your husband?
Believe me Laura, I'm not taking sides in this. You all sound like nice "hard working" people. You feel dumped on by everybody; your husband has been dumped on by his bosses. We live in a culture that dumps on us all. It's times like this I'm glad I'm single. I can't imagine the TMS pressures marriages go through at times like yours.
I gotta' go play a team tennis match now, (sorry, tough duty I know).
My parting advice would be get the whole family into counseling and have a knock down, all out brawl and get all the crap out of your systems. Have a family catharsis. Decide if you all still love each other or you want to go your separate ways.
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| Laura |
Posted - 10/09/2004 : 22:12:37
Dear Tennis Tom,
Funny you should mention that book, as I was recommending it to someone yesterday. I listen to Dr. Laura all the time and I'm sure there's a lot of info. in there all of us women could use. But there's a part of me that wonders why I'm always the one that needs to change and meet everyone else's needs and make everyone else happy. I find that one of my greatest sources of rage and anger come from the fact that everyone I know is always entitled to their opinion but the minute I offer mine and it differentiates from theirs they go balistic (this is definitely not limited to my husband). The thing about my husband is, it's not just me. We have two daughters, ages 12 and 15, and he constantly picks on them as well. Yesterday, after he screamed at me, he told our 15 year old that her outfit looked terrible. (This was said as we were heading out to dinner for her birthday). She said "Wow, Dad, you really know how to boost my self-image." I have tried to explain to him over and over that his relationship with his daughters is equally, if not more important, than their relationship with me. Some day, when they choose a husband, I want it to be someone who treats them with respect.
Lately, I constantly hear my husband saying "I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin" and it scares me. I always thought of him as such a calm, easygoing person but not anymore (I know he has TMS!!!). I'm also feeling the effects of his anger insomuch as ever since I broke my toe (two weeks ago) and am not able to do as much as I used to, he makes me feel guilt about the house not being perfect and talks about all that he does. Constantly hearing how he's "working two jobs to pay our bills" just adds stress and guilt for me -- I feel bad that he can't just quit his old job and go full time at the new one, and I feel guilt that I can't do the things I used to. What a TMS personality doesn't need is more guilt.
I thank you for your input, however, and since I'm pretty much laid up now anyway maybe I'll take another look at that book. I've broken toes before but not the middle one and not this bad (it was going sideways). It's frustrating but I've only got two more weeks of it.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts! I appreciate any help I can get.
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| tennis tom |
Posted - 10/09/2004 : 20:36:57
Dear Laura,
Interesting post. IMHO, relationships are probably the greatest source of TMS; duh. I gotta' get to the hot-tub, (rough day on the courts, more emotionaly than physicaly), so I don't have time for one of my usual long winded replys. But, if you want to salvage your marriage, may I reccommend a book: THE PROPER CARE & FEEDING OF HUSBANDS, by Dr. Laura (another Laura, he,he), Schlessinger.
Good luck,
tennis Dear Abby tom |
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