| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Penny |
Posted - 04/24/2007 : 16:56:44
Anyone get visited by TMS gremlin during or before sex? Has this topic been discussed before? I did a search but didn't find anything specific. Would love to hear replies. This has me completely stumped (or in denial). Why on earth would TMS be gone all day until bedtime, then I get the infamous " honey I have a headache".
(If I were a betting lass, I'm betting TT is gonna love this topic! )
>|< Penny
>|< Penny
Non illigitamus carborundum. |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Michele |
Posted - 04/27/2007 : 15:23:46
I'm jumping in a little late here, but don't come to the board much these days.
I've been married for almost 21 years, known my husband for 27 years. Through lots and lots and lots (did I say lots?) of counseling, it has been determined that one of the ways my husband feels accepted and loved is through sex. Unfortunately, I've never enjoyed it because it always felt forced, and he was a jerk about it MOST of the time. Counseling showed him that he was using sex not only to feel loved, but also to tell himself he wasn't a failure. I just got sick of being used, and sick of all the arguing.
This may sound horrible to some people, but a year ago we were entering our 2nd year of counseling and seemingly going nowhere. But we kept going, and going, and going. Yes, we learned ALOT, but the sex issue never seemed to get resolved. He wanted it, I didn't. So we made an agreement. Sex once a week on Saturday night, whether you're in the mood or not. The rest of the week the topic is off limits.
I no longer obsess that he's going to paw me all week until he gets some, and he has something to look forward to all week. We've both let down our guard a little and it's working. It's not always Saturday night, but you get the picture. Once a week, then keep quiet.
And I don't mean to trivialize your issue. There has to be an emotional connection in order to keep the relationship going. We do have that, so it was worth working HARD at it. And let me tell ya, so far it's been worth the work.
Take care. |
| LitaM |
Posted - 04/27/2007 : 05:25:41
Penny,
He is such a kind positive man, hope one of his books help.
Lita |
| Penny |
Posted - 04/26/2007 : 18:34:59
quote:
Originally posted by LitaM
There is a therapist that years ago I watched on Oprah, his name is Harvel Hendrix and he says that we marry people who we need to teach us something about ourselves.
Woh, Lita. Talk about the power of manifestation! I was thinking just yesterday, I wish I could remember the name of that therapist on Oprah ... and sure enough, you gave it to me.
Many blessings BACK at you, angel.
>|< Penn |
| LitaM |
Posted - 04/26/2007 : 17:53:04
Penny,
Sorry to hear that you are having marriage problems, being married is work plain and simple. There is a therapist that years ago I watched on Oprah, his name is Harvel Hendrix and he says that we marry people who we need to teach us something about ourselves. He has written some relationship books that I think may be of help. Oprah herself stated if she wouldn't of read his books, her longtime relationship with Stedman Graham would of ended years ago. Best of luck.
Lita |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 04/26/2007 : 12:42:31
quote:
Originally posted by entheogens
quote:
Originally posted by shawnsmith
I have written some about this in previous posts. The obsession with sex serves, in my opinion, the same pyschological function as TMS. Take a look at this: http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2907
I find your argument in the link to be highly reductionist.
Well thank you professor. Do you want me to write a whole book and post it online? I am not saying that every single activity we engage in is a distraction away from what is taking place internally. I do argue, however, that when something becomes an obsession, such as sex and masturbation - yes and TMS itself can become an obsession- then indeed that activity can be serving a pyschological function of avoidance or distraction if you like.
If this is reductionist then add to the discussion- expand my argument.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
| Penny |
Posted - 04/26/2007 : 11:54:04
quote:
Originally posted by shawnsmith
quote:
Originally posted by Penny
[quote]Originally posted by Wavy Soul
I find it really amazing that a topic about sex could go so deep, and get to a possible root of TMS.
Are you kidding? Sex, if you study Freud, is the root of it all. I could write pages and pages on this topic and not even scratch the surface.
I was defending my reason for seemingly going "off topic" in this thread. I mean, to start with the Honey I've got a headache and to lead to so much emotional pain and revelation ... well, I think it's amazing!
Thanks for the support Shawn. I got the book (yeah!!!!) from library and will be ordering the CDs from amazon. Things are going better today. We are talking and we are going to work on everything. Everything is not lost. The truth and time will tell. |
| entheogens |
Posted - 04/26/2007 : 11:36:37
quote:
Originally posted by shawnsmith
I have written some about this in previous posts. The obsession with sex serves, in my opinion, the same pyschological function as TMS. Take a look at this: http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2907
How about an obsession with TMS, Shawn? Is that, too, a distraction from inner turmoil? I find your argument in the link to be highly reductionist. It would seem to come down to this: all outward activity is basically a distraction from our inner pain. This sounds peculiarly similar, in a less sophisticated way, to Freuds theory of civilization being a product of sublimation. There's SOME truth to that but it's problematic to take a model of one area of life and extend it out to cover all phenomena. Something along the lines of everything is the product of the movement of atoms, therefore if I could do the calculations of the atoms involved I could figure out why I like pizza but not liver. |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 04/26/2007 : 08:26:36
quote:
Originally posted by Penny
[quote]Originally posted by Wavy Soul
I find it really amazing that a topic about sex could go so deep, and get to a possible root of TMS.
Are you kidding? Sex, if you study Freud, is the root of it all. I could write pages and pages on this topic and not even scratch the surface.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 04/26/2007 : 08:24:00
Yes Penny, that is it! I am certain you will love it. I listened to it 4 times at least.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
| Penny |
Posted - 04/26/2007 : 06:39:28
quote:
Originally posted by Wavy Soul
Wait a minute...
I thought this thread was going to be about SEX and TMS, not just relationship stuff!
Perhaps I should've started a new thread. Sorry, I'm still learning our rules here. Historically though, I find it really amazing that a topic about sex could go so deep, and get to a possible root of TMS.
Shawn,
Is this the audio program?
http://www.amazon.com/Loving-What-Four-Questions-Change/dp/1574535250/ref=ed_oe_a/103-7175965-4690212?ie=UTF8&qid=1177591293&sr=8-1
Thanks so much for this. |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 04/26/2007 : 05:56:45
quote:
Originally posted by Wavy Soul
Wait a minute...
I thought this thread was going to be about SEX and TMS, not just relationship stuff!
Start a new thread Wavy Soul and we will discuss it. It is a relevant topic for sure.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 04/26/2007 : 05:55:18
quote:
Originally posted by Penny
Thanks Shawn. I will go to B&N tomorrow and get it. Will it help my husband too, or just me?
It will help your husband only if he is willing to listen to the tapes (and I highly recommend the recorded version of the book as it is 1000% more powerful), but if he does not want to listen then listen to them on your own for now. It will not be good for you or him if you push him too much, and it may have the counter effect that you intended. I know you want to lash out at him but it is also important to see what is going on inside of you. You have a set of expectations about what he should or should not be and when he does not live up to these expectations then you get hurt and frustrated. But he was probably the way he was right from the moment you met him but you did not see it but instead allowed your feelings to get in the way. We all have done this in the past and may still be doing it even though we delude ourselves into thinking we are wiser in our old age. So Penny, as you listen to the book, look inwardly and begin to examine your thoughts and follow the simple programme and see what comes out of it.
Best wishes
Shawn
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
| Wavy Soul |
Posted - 04/25/2007 : 22:35:05
Wait a minute...
I thought this thread was going to be about SEX and TMS, not just relationship stuff!
I have had tons of TMS stuff around sex in the past. Really really ridiculous TMS. But since I've really known about TMS I've been in my post-divorce solo walk so I'm not sure...
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 04/25/2007 : 22:10:13
Penny, oh my goodness. I admire your courage in seeing and facing your problems with your husband. I'm sorry he is reacting the way he is. It's wonderful that you want to work things out with him, but if he is not willing to do his part, I guess eventually you might need to draw a line on how far you're willing to go. Don't jump off a cliff for him if he won't for you.
I too have found that sex can be a magnifying glass on other issues in a relationship. Sex is a time when we are very open physically and emotionally to someone else, so if things are going wrong, they hit the deepest parts of us.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| Kristin |
Posted - 04/25/2007 : 20:41:33
Argh, I just read through this whole thread after first responding. I apoligize for being flippant!
I have gone through a recovery of my relationship. It is a long story. I have experienced what often felt like brush offs from my husband. Sex was often a catalyst for magnifying the real topics at hand. This will take some more time and thought to respond to. I have been so close to imagining divorce as the only answer except for it's affects on the family. We are to a point where it's more workable but I still get insecure at times.
Penny, I wish you the best in your further discovery of yourself. It does seem like you are making good progress on TMS in general. Progress sometimes helps expose underlying issues. |
| Kristin |
Posted - 04/25/2007 : 20:20:35
This ought to be a "hot" topic! Sex and repression go together like Ronald McDonald and Big Macs in American culture!
I can't even start to unravel this topic at the moment but I know there's a lot to work with here! There are few things in life that aren't related to sex. It's our primary drive and the inspiration that we set out to accomplish and pursue most endeavors in life! "Birds do it, bees do it....." I am always game for exploring the depths. Well, I am a Scorpio afterall!
Off Topic and on a sad note, I'm sure most people havn't missed the news about bees disappearing. I haven't seen any honeybees yet this year and saw very few last year. This is something in nature we should all be very concerned about! |
| Penny |
Posted - 04/25/2007 : 19:44:43
Thanks for the encouragement!
Paul, I checked out that site and started reading the 12 page emotional needs questionaire http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf and I can't stop crying. I so want him to feel enough about me to work on our marriage to try to evolve. I don't and won't give up without a fight, but I cannot continue as things are. I don't want to divorce, but I can't live in denial any longer. |
| skizzik |
Posted - 04/25/2007 : 19:20:33
Don't give up Penny, you've already dropped symptoms because of your bravery.
|
| Paul |
Posted - 04/25/2007 : 18:59:17
The advice above is perfect for you...read "Loving What Is" and apply "The Work" to your feelings, your beliefs about your husband.
Being a divorce person myself, I think you shouldn't just jump to the conclusion you will feel better by divorcing. True, you might. But you need to think through the "cloud" of emotions first...give it time.
Give yourself some time, some reflection, and I HIGHLY recommend this website as well...
www.marriagebuilders.com
Just some things to think about. |
| Penny |
Posted - 04/25/2007 : 18:53:09
Thanks Shawn. I will go to B&N tomorrow and get it. Will it help my husband too, or just me? I feel so much guilt going thru me, and regret. I wish this didn't have to hurt him. I've been putting up with his apathy for me for so long, he is stunned and his eyes were full of tears as he drove to work tonight. I know--even though his actions are aloof--he is really upset. I don't intend to hurt him for anything, but I personally can't take the hurt anymore. When he gets upset at me, he explodes and swears ... but always counters it with "I'm not swearing AT you!" but it's one of my biggest things, and he did it in front of the children about 6 weeks ago and it devastated me. I don't know how I overlooked all of this. He has never done anything physical to me, but emotionally I feel so beat up. |
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