| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 12:20:02
Hi Everyone,
I was wondering if any of the fellow TMSers on here have had times in their lives when the goodism trait was over the top..I am in one of those periods now and it is increasing symptoms..Thankfully, I know it's TMS and I am doing the work to fight the gremlin so far..But, how does one change one's basic personality and is it even possible?
A current example..I am in a relationship w/ a man I love very much..He is back East, I am in Vegas..He is allergic to my dogs and one of my dogs has been very ill with pancreatitis..I told him that I would not ever give up my dogs for anyone..We will have to continue with a long distance relationship and visits twice a year until I move back or his allergies are miraculously healed..
He wants me living there with him full time, I will not leave my dogs for as long as I did over the holidays ever again..He has accepted my decision and truly is at such a low point in his life (medically, emotionally and financially) that he doesn't want any other drastic changes in his life like a change in our relationship status..
In the meantime, I have my hands full w/ over the top stress due to caring for my dog around the clock...I am not complaining, my dogs are my children,,I am just talking about goodism wherein I tend to put other people's needs before my own..Everytime I talk to my b/f in the past several months, it is almost solely a conversation wherein I listen and he complains about how terrible his life has become..It is rarely pleasant at all and only a few times has he been able to be there for me..
One time when I was hysterical when my dogs was in critical condition and another time when I almost ended up in the emergency room for chest pains..He is very good in a crisis and can put his needs aside..But generally these days all I hear from him is hopelessness or extreme frustration..He even told me that he threw a fax machine that wasn't working over his terrace in the back yard! He has never done that b4 in his life, but any severe display of anger like that frightens me..All the stress has made him close to snapping altogether..He is not the man I fell in love with..
He had an ear surgery gone awry, has a neck/back true injury and probably TMS on top of it and breathing problems as well..Financially he is in trouble too..I have gotten nothing but just knowing we are still in love and officially a couple out of the relationship since I returned to Vegas mid January..
The relationship used to be very balanced..Now it is so one sided because he is just incapable of giving to anyone..In fact, I am the only person he even speaks to on a daily basis..He is too out of it on meds or just so depressed about his condition to talk to any of his friends or even family, with the exception of his mother...He is isolating and I am so worried about him I am having nightmares which is adding to stress over my doggie and finances..
I am not happy, but yet I still love him and long for the good times singing together on stage, etc..I just don't know when he will be back to 'normal' again..He is saying that he may even have to be committed for a time to a facility to rest due to a nervous breakdown!
We have been together just under a year overall and are not engaged..He wanted to buy me a ring this Xmas but couldn't afford it..He wants to get married...Honestly, I don't know if I would have accepted it because of the displays of anger I witnessed when I was in NY..(even b4 his ear surgery and life went to hell in a hand basket)..
I wrote him a warm letter discussing our potential irreconcilable differences like the dog allergy, etc..and said perhaps we are meant to be best friends..He called me hysterical and asked if I was leaving him..What could I say? I didn't want to leave him when he is at such a low point,,but I am not happy for many months and keep hoping he will heal and become himself again..
In the meantime, life is going by and I don't want another year in limbo in terms of him still being in this condition in the future..If we were married or engaged of course I wouldn't dream of leaving someone when they get ill or broke..But we are neither..We are boyfriend and girlfriend..I don't know what to do..I wouldn't dream of looking for someone else as long as I am officially in a relationship..But I feel a sense of urgency to make a clear decision and yet I am afraid he will snap completely if I break up with him..
I am due to visit NY for my bday in June..for a month or so, only if my dog is completely healed, of course..I could do some singing gigs while i am there and see family/friends..I have wanted to move back for the past three years but didn't when I could because my roommate who is like the brother i always wanted begged me to stay here in Vegas..AGAIN..another goodism to the extreme situation..I put his needs above my own and stayed here..At the time, three years ago, I had the funds to relocate, now I don't..So I am trapped here too..Whew, sorry this is so long..I guess I am hoping for some words of wisdom on my confusing life situation..
For those interested, KC, my border collie/beagle is healing from the pancreatitis but not out of the woods..It has been 3 weeks of extreme stress and worry over his sickness..He is my baby boy..I don't have human children..I am just concerned when this is behind me, I will collapse from all the stress..I don't want the TMS gremlin latching onto my neck in full force again either..So I thought if I shared here it would help..It usually does..
Needless to say the vet bills are over 6000 dollars and that is surely adding ALOT of financial stress..(although I am NOT complaining,,he is soooo worth every cent..)
Any thoughts would be so appreciated..
Hugs and God bless,
Karen |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 05/08/2007 : 09:42:17
I know what you mean, Art...Those characteristics are the opposite of love...But, my b/f has many other sides to him that definitely are love as did our relationship..I am wanting to stay friends but he is too heartbroken to be just friends with me...I don't know the future, nobody does..I don't like to close doors permanently and I guess i am a glass is half full type person..So, who knows...if he changes and life changes we could end up together down the road..Then again, probably not..that is why i pushed myself to go through with the break up...What i am trying to say is that I am confused because I still love him dearly..I have never ended a relationship b4 w/ someone i was still in love with..It is very hard..I just decided that, at this time, I have to go with my gut instincts and do what is best for myself..Putting the Goodism aside, for once..
Hugs,
K |
| art |
Posted - 05/08/2007 : 05:48:22
Love it seems to me has nothing to do with wanting to possess someone, or control someone...That feels like the opposite of love.
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| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 05/07/2007 : 22:00:44
Thanx sweetie..It's hard but i know i did the right thing.. |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 05/07/2007 : 21:53:03
Good for you, to take the step that feels right for you and your well-being. Sending more good wishes your way for things to go forward in a better place.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 05/07/2007 : 13:39:35
Thanks ACL,
I agree, it is over the top possessiveness and jealousy..He claims he does trust me, that I am the only person he trusts..He says it's the other people that he doesn't trust and the men in the audience watching me sing..He said it's a cultural thing, an Italian thing..I told him that perhaps I am not the right woman for him because I have too many male friends, I sing in public, I don't cook, etc..I wrote him again, and told him that until he gets help w/ the anger issues, I cannot be with him other then friendship..
I told him the truth, I love him, but all the negativity and darkness is too much for me and affecting my health now..I have to stay focused on my KC right now..I left a door open saying if it's God's will for us to grow old together, we will find our way back to one another down the line, once he has evolved enough and gets his life back together..He is in such a hopeless mode about everything and full of conscious rage at the world..
He wrote me back that he is too hysterical and heart broken to even respond properly..I went and meditated and prayed for him, that is all I can do right now..I have to stick to my guns, but it is very hard..I feel like i am in a sort of shock about following through with this decision and it hasn't hit me yet..We have potential singing gigs together in NY this summer...gigs I dearly look forward to..I know he won't want to be 'just friends' because of how he feels about me..So there is a loss involved for me as well because I never broke up with a man I was still in love with before..I am forcing myself not to look at videos of us together doing gigs or photos of the holidays, etc..I don't want to torture myself in that way..The man I fell in love with has been overshadowed by this very negative angry person for many months..It is so sad..We had big plans for our future together and really I dread being single again..Thanx for listening..and for your kind words of encouragement and healing wishes for me and my baby dog!
Hugs to you,
Karen |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 05/07/2007 : 12:58:37
Wow, the whole thing about your boyfriend not wanting you to sing in any other band and not trusting you around male friends...if it were me, that would massively freak me out. It's good that he is working on it...but trust is ultimately the most important thing you can give someone you love. If he doesn't trust you there is a basic rift in the relatonship. I hope you can figure out what you need and whether he can give you that. If so, terrif. If not...move on knowing you did what was right for you, and ultimately for him too, because if you are not right for each other, someone else will be right for him.
Hope KC is continuing to improve! And you too.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 05/06/2007 : 13:21:01
Wavy,
You are soooo insightful!! Wow! When you said "Not having your full self present because you are afraid to leave" it really struck a chord in me..And..I am value FREEDOM very highly..My b/f, being an old fashioned typical NY Italian is not big on me being too Free..In fact, he doesn't like my butterfly side..He knows I have travelled the globe alone, lived in Austria singing in 94, etc..and he just cannot relate to that side of me..I have had to do alot of compromising in terms of my male, platonic friends to keep peace with him..Ironically, lately he seems better about my male friends..I asked him, why now?? Why not when I was living in NYC with you..It would have saved me a whole lot of STRESSFUL fights and conflicts..
I look very much forward to hearing from you in a private email..
Love back at you,
Karen |
| Wavy Soul |
Posted - 05/06/2007 : 13:12:03
quote:
The only thing I would disagree with is when you mentioned the book "He's just not that into you.."
It's actually that he's just TOO MUCH into me and always has been..
Maybe you should write a NEW bestseller.
Yet as I thought about it, it seemed like almost the same thing. Not enough and too much can be a bit similar.
"Does he/she love you enough," would be a more appropriate new bestseller to write. I'm currently deliberately 3 years into being in a primary relationship with myself after 23 years of marriage (to 3 hubbies). From the outside, once the withdrawal subsides, relationships don't seem so essential as they do from the inside. The grief and separation suck, for sure. But not having your full self present because you are afraid to leave is worse.
I'm come to value FREEDOM more than almost anything. It wasn't high on my list before.
Then I can be with a free bloke, when he shows up, in perfect timing.
There's something else I wanna say which I think I will say in private e-mail if possible. Love to you.
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 05/06/2007 : 10:40:50
Hi Wavy,
Always love what you have to say, thank you!
I do need to go to Al-anon also for my dealing w/ a close family member that I love dearly..She is battling w/ alcoholism..
The only thing I would disagree with is when you mentioned the book "He's just not that into you.."
It's actually that he's just TOO MUCH into me and always has been..
Normally, when he isn't having every medical issue under the sun(TMS and some real)..he is very possessive of me and cannot get enough time together..
If it were up to him we would cocoon it into the sunset forever..
I do love spending time with the 'real' him too..but..I am a social animal and also need time w/ other couples, my friends/family, etc..He is fine just mostly being w/ me doing fun things or writing songs, etc..creating together...
THose are the things I will miss soooo much..B4 he got ill (physically, TMS wise and mentally) I loved being with him...We did many gigs together wherein I played keyboards in his Christian rock band (we did concerts)..and wherein I sang lead for his other secular club bands and a duo..It was a BLAST..Singing together is bliss..Our voices blend incredibly well together, and we both acknowledged that it has never been so smooth in all of our years in the biz working w/ other bands..(we are both in our late 40's)..
The problem is that he mentioned that if I sang w/ any other bands (that he was not in)..he could not handle that..He doesn't want me on stage w/ other men if he is not there too..etc. And because i love him so much and enjoyed performing w/ him, I avoided any freelance gigs that came along..but now..I know better..I told him that that is ridiculous..I have been a pro singer all my life and I am not letting ANYONE tell me I cannot do ANY gig..(Just using this as an illustration of how he is too into me..)
We love the same things, have amazing deep conversations, same spiritual views, global views, the same dreams, etc..It is so sad..We both thought this was it..but now i am seeing otherwise..I dread breaking his heart and I dread grieving the loss, even though i would be the one leaving..It still hurts alot..
Thanks for listening..and for the well wishes for my doggies..
My basset's leg is healing very well..she is still on anti inflammatories..
My border collie w/ the pancreatitis is still healing..We are tyring a different way of feeding very small meals and so far so good today..It's a long road..I have to go to a funeral out of town today, and I am giving my roomie/bro Explicit directions on what to do when i am gone..
Hugs and blessings!!
Karen |
| Wavy Soul |
Posted - 05/06/2007 : 10:28:05
Hi Singer and all,
Someone I know and respect very much - in fact she has been a mentor to me at times - is just breaking up with her partner because he has been ill for so long and basically depends on her but doesn't give her the love and attention she needs. The illness looks like extreme TMS to both of us, and my friend knows about this and has watched me get better, but couldn't get him to read the book. It got to the point where she was so tired of being "used" that she released her addiction to getting what she wanted from him. and... this is amazing...
...she told me a couple of days ago that she was going to break up with him, no matter what! Even if he committed suicide, which she thought he might, she said.
I was amazed. Because this woman is very kind and generous but also very enlightened.
I go to 12-Step meetings from time to time, particularly AlAnon which is absolutely the epitome of Relationships Anonymous. No one will tell you what to do, but people are always dealing with issues exactly like yours. Someone said the other day that her alcoholic husband, who is in recovery for a long time himself, said to her, "Don't you DARE ever stop me meeting my bottom!"
This may sound like putting your head up your ass, but actually as you probably know, "bottoming out" is the lingo for what a person HAS to do to get the deep motivation that causes change. Those of us on this board have mostly reached it in terms of our symptoms, which is why we are willing to deconstruct our strategies rather than continue in the same vein. And if we aren't, our subconscious happily will give us more symptoms until we are.
And my 2 cents - to quote a corny book title: "He's Just Not That Into You," and you shouldn't rescue him. Need is not love.
Love to you and the doggies.
(And to the person (I can't get back there from here to see who it was) who took care of that old guy till he died, I salute you, and I would hope I would do the same. Not being codependent doesn't mean, for me, not being compassionate and doing service. That situation was completely completely beyond that old man's control at that point in time, after all.)
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 05/06/2007 : 06:30:02
Curiousity,
Thank you so much for the empathetic words..It means alot to me right now..Yes I do have alot on my plate and I feel as if I am on auto pilot..My poochies come first..My BorderCollie/Beagle (KC) is the one who needs constant attention for the pancreatitis and other problem in his gal bladder that needs to be resolved..It really has been torture to see him suffer for weeks now..Last night he went to play w/ my basset and I was so happy to see that, but we are not out of the woods..As for my b/f, I chickened out again on saying anything to him because he called me so upset about his life..
Sounds like you really love your kitty too..
Hugs,
Karen |
| Curiosity18 |
Posted - 05/06/2007 : 00:04:07
Karen,
What a stressful time this is for you! I hope that the situation with your significant other gets resolved soon. Long distance relationships can be hard enough, without the other, added complications. My thoughts are with you and your furries. I'm glad your bassett's leg is healing. It can be so painful to watch them struggle with health issues. My 17 year old cat has really started to slow down, and I don't know how much longer she'll be with me.
Take care,
Curiosity
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| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 05/05/2007 : 21:21:55
Shortcake,
I am looking forward to hearing from you at my regular email address...You can either write me through here, like i mentioned,,or my art website address is in my profile and you can contact me that way as well..
I feel a wonderful kinship with you and would like to chat privately as well..
Hugs and Blessings!
Karen |
| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 05/05/2007 : 16:05:03
Shortcake,
Thank you sweetie..I would really appreciate hearing from you..My email again is (deleting email out to avoid spammers, what was i thinking)...You can write me thru here...and then i will give you the email address directly..
My dog is still healing..I am so worried about him..He just vomited his lunch..The blood work showed improvement w/ the pancreatitis but elevated gal bladder levels..It just never stops..Please do keep us all in prayer..It is affecting my health now..I am also exhausted from the lack of sleep and eating right..I am trying to take care of myself but my doggie comes first..He needs constant care..Waiting for the vet to call now..Hope to hear from you soon and hope you have a wonderful weekend..
Hugs and God bless you,
Karen |
| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 05/05/2007 : 09:22:44
Thanx Yogurtbacteria,
Appreciate the input very much..Neediness is a real turn off, indeed..I used to be that way in certain relationships only..I lost someone I loved very much because of it and haven't behaved like that since..I have been w/ others who were too dependent/needy in the past and eventually I left..In my b/f's case, he has become progressively more that way since his life has fallen apart around him..Many of the physical things he is dealing with are completely out of his control..but a few, I believe, were caused by being careless and doing stupid things like running like mad down a flight of slippery steps to catch a subway and falling..I have seen him nearly walk right in front of cars in the middle of NYC, he thinks he is invincible..He would even try to get me to jay walk and run across the street with him!
I do feel for him regarding things like his ear issues or true injuries, but the rest he almost brought on himself..I used to jokingly call him a kvetch,,,but it actually became true..I know when I left after being in NYC for 4 months he was destroyed..The week I was leaving to come back here he was crying often in front of me and I felt sooo guilty it was torture..I cried too, but not until I was at the airport actually leaving..
He is very possessive and jealous of my platonic male friends also..He has gotten better with that, especially w/ the friends he met in person..But we have had countless fights over my friends..He is isolated alot and a loner now that i am in Vegas and he is in NYC..He prefers to hang out with his woman or as couples..
I like all different types of social interactions..He is alot of fun when we are performing together or at a wedding, for example. But he also told me that he couldn't handle it if I ever sang w/ any other bands besides his! It was my own fault for dealing w/ that..If a singing job comes my way now, I am taking it..I am not looking for anything here because in Vegas I primarily paint and teach voice..The smoke in the casinos bothers me..But when i go to NY this summer I will, no doubt, have alot of freelance gigs with or without him..
Thanx for listening...Guess i am processing alot more then I thought..
{BTW, my doggie KC did not vomit his breakfast this morning! Thank God..The blood test results showed the pancreatic enzymes were back to normal but the gal bladder and liver enzymes were elevated alot..The vet said that the gal bladder could have been damaged from the pancreatitis..He said time and maybe antibiotics along w/ the meds he is already taking should heal it..I am giving very small meals frequently..My basset's leg is healing nicely..}
Hugs and God bless,
Karen |
| yogurtbacteria |
Posted - 05/05/2007 : 07:56:22
I have had to end a relationship for similar reasons not too long ago. the situation wasn't as extreme, it was simply that my girlfriend was much more needy than I could handle, and eventually I realized that despite loving her, the relationship was not worth what it was doing to me.
I don't know you, or your relationship, but when you talk about his anger, and about being afraid of breaking up with him because he might snap, it makes me really, really want to tell you you should break up with him. No relationship should continue because of fear of what would happen if it ended. And no relationship should continue because you're counting on it changing unless you have a really, really good reason to be confident that change is coming.
I hope things turn out ok. |
| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 23:57:31
Wow, I must be really stressed because I just re-read this whole thread and I repeated myself several times..Now I feel like I am fighting getting sick, like a cold..It's no wonder, I haven't slept right, eaten right, etc..just worrying about KC..
The blood work came back and I spoke the vet a few hours ago..The pancreatic enzymes were better, thank God..but the gal bladder and liver enzymes were too high..This could be that they got damaged from the pancreatitis..He said they can heal with time and possibly more meds..KC seems in better spirits and was able to hold down 6 mini meatballs of prescription ID dog food..
I wanted to thank everyone who has responded so far..All of you really have helped me with your support, ideas and thoughts..I am very grateful!  |
| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 19:44:11
Art,
I only take the valium on very rare occasions..In the past 3 weeks since KC has been ill I took a total of 3..that is alot for me..Other times I try Valerian, Calm forte homeopathic remedy and Back flower rememdies..I have tried Kava b4 and it does have a calming affect on me...The problem is that I read several articles about it having potential long term side effects, so I got scared..I will look into it again as an alternative..thanx for the caring words about my doggie..
ACL,
You are probably right..KC surely knows I am doing my best..I keep talking to him, hugging him and giving him all the love I have inside of me..When i cry, however, if he sees me, he gets worried and I can see more upset or scared..So I go into another part of the house when it gets real bad..usually after he vomits I am extremely upset..
The up and down roller coaster has been hard particularly this past week..We thought he was in the clear then the set back..I just had to call the vet again..The blood work is in and he was going to call me tomorrow AM with it..I wouldn't sleep at all so i put in a message for him to call me tonight..KC is due for more meds at 9:30pm and I am praying i will be able to try to give him a very small amount of food with it..I hate shoving the pill down his throat..I am getting better at it..but he is soooo hungry and I feel like i am starving my dog..Of course, i know it's for his own good right now but it hurts me so much..We are not eating in front of him and really i feel like going on a fast myself to connect with him more deeply..
It is exhausting because every time i hear him exit the doggie door i have to go and make sure he didn't vomit and check for the runs as well..We have to be sure he is okay electrolytes wise..
He is such a beautiful dog..part Border collie, part beagle and we think he also has some wolf in him..He is the gentlest, kindest, most well mannered dog in the world..The love I feel for him is so deep as is the love I feel for my little 12 yr. old basset who is now recovering from a sprained leg..I feel like i am running a vet clinic over here and that is fine because i love them soooo much..But i just want things to be back to normal..I want to know he's going to be okay in the long run...
It does help to know my b/f is seeking help..Unfortunately, however, he seeks my help alot more then anyone elses and on a daily basis..He is seeing a therapist once per week and exploring potential medications as well..He is like me, a naturalist and hates all the side effects of drugs, so chance are he may not take what is even prescribed and I sure cannot force him to..
Quite honestly, as much as i love him, I am so much more worried right now about my innocent, defenseless baby KC..I am his mom and he is depending upon be to help him..I went out for a whooping 45 minutes today when my roommate came home..It was nice to be out in the world but the entire time i couldn't stop thinking about him..Even called home from my cell on prime time to see if the vet called yet...It is a constant source of stress..It does help to talk to you guys on here and I am very grateful for your kind words of support..
Hugs to you both,
Karen |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 17:16:53
Karen, I'm glad your boyfriend is getting help. It's tautological but true: getting help helps. It helps you to because you know if he is getting help he has someone else he can talk to.
I hope you can keep an open mind about medication. I am generally opposed to it too, but for some people it works extremely well and they feel like themselves for the first time, no longer having to cope with all the extra negative stuff.
quote:
And I am trying sooooo hard to do everything perfectly
Well, that's gonna be TMS in a nutshell.
I know you are in a lot of pain and very anxious and I absolutely understand how much it sucks. I mean, I'm the kind of person who takes her cat to the emergency vet on a holiday weekend for a mild sprained leg! (He was lethargic and not eating or peeing well, so it wasn't frivolous, but it was extremely cautious of us.) But I do think that you could benefit from just stepping back a little and seeing the situation as it is and accepting that it is the way it is, you're doing what you can, you love everyone in the situation and they know that, but you cannot totally fix it. You don't need to care less but you need to take care of yourself more. As I said before, it does not help you or the other person or dog in the situation if you run your own resources down too much.
I hope KC gets well soon. I wonder if it would help both of you if you could share your sadness together. He must feel sad and must know and understand that you are upset. I am sure he understands that you are doing your best. Doggies are great like that. I am not sure you have to keep up a front for him. He can accept how you feel and will know the depth your concern for him.
It is holding back your tears that makes them so fierce. It's a self-perpetuating cycle. Someday you'll be able to step out of the cycle and let them flow.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| art |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 16:16:14
Karen,
The best herb I know for anxiety is kava...No kidding, the stuff is excellent...Steer clear of the pills as they don't work as well..Go for the liquid...
Better yet, go on the 'net and buy actual kava from Hawaii..
Kava is genuinely non-addictive. You don't have to continually take more to get the same benefit...
I'm sorry to hear about your doggie's setback...
A.
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