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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
 Posted - 07/02/2006 : 16:30:13
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Holy Cow, I wrote a long one today, called 'a journal entry..' Don't know exactly what possessed me to do so...Must have been grueling to read all of that, for those who did...Or maybe you got something out of it like thinking...gee...at least my life isn't as bad as hers, lol...Anyway...the bottom line of it all for me is this...
1) I want a family and do not have one...I feel terribly homesick for New Jersey and the little family I have left...but due to the neck TMS and finances i am Stuck living in Vegas...three years longer then I have wanted to and I am clueless when I will get the heck out of the desert!
2) I have past issues/anger w/ my sister and some other family members that still lives inside of me...I want to forgive and forget (it's the spiritual thing to do) but I don't want to bury more feelings either...Communicating to her will do no good..We are civil, that is all...
3)I am literally doing all I can to recover from this...I cannot push too hard, ie..trying to force my neck to move because then it clamps down more and the pain gets worse..I have had some success keeping the back and knee gremlins at bay..But the neck, so far...another story...
4) Last and not least...sometimes it feels like this whole TMS neck thing is just an illusion designed to force me to stay home, look deep within and evolve both personally and spiritually...
5) I miss my singing and my painting and have WAY too much free floating creative energy that needs to release...I am going to try to paint today or tomorrow, that should help...
Thanx for listening..As always...comments are so welcome and I will try not to be too sensitive as we TMSers tend to be...Be honest with me, I want real thoughts/reactions...God bless!
Karen |
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shari
USA
85 Posts |
Posted - 07/02/2006 : 18:55:45
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Karen -- In your point #2:
quote:
We are civil, that is all.
I think you put your finger on something important. My brother had a volcanic temper and always let his anger erupt. (I never heard him complain about back pains.) Me, I had to be the "good girl" and never show my anger because I was made understood that's how "good girls" behave. As a "civil" person, I find the idea of showing my anger in public as frightening as finding myself naked in public. That fear may be the very thing my brain is trying to distract me from facing. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/02/2006 : 19:07:10
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I hear you, Shari...I know what you mean...:) Thanx for your reply...I express anger pretty easily when someone cuts me off on the road...but I hold it in toward my sister for the families sake and boy has it hurt me to do that...I also hold in my tears while in front of people often...If i am watching a sad movie w/ friends and someone looks at me or says something during an intense moment, immediately i push down the tears and repress them...It's terrible, I mean I am a GIRL I should not have been programmed to not cry..But i was! I was programmed unknowningly by my dad who i think wished he had a son...I was a tom boy anyway, so it wasn't a problem getting a football for Xmas or playing soccer in the basement..In fact, my dad was pretty awesome in alot of ways when I was a child..He was more like a pal, except when he was screaming at my mom! That was no fun...
It must have been hard for you dealing w/ your brother's temper, that can be so scary...I remember being scared hearing my dad scream but he never touches us...The disciplinarian was my mom..She took out her frustrations probably about my dad on me and my sister...But my sister used to run next door and hang out w/ my grandparents...I stayed at home because I was very young...My mom apologized in my 20's for the physical abuse and I thought i forgave her..We became best pals...really were even b4 the apology...I miss her terribly and I know she did the best she could raising me..Back then physical hitting, etc...was considered 'normal..' WOW...what was all of that..I am just a processing machine today...Sorry Shari that I went on and on about myself...I am just working sooooooooo hard to get out of this ACUTE ATTACK...I want my life back! |
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a much shorter version...:)
