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Paul
134 Posts |
 Posted - 04/27/2007 : 15:03:16
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Hello fellow TMS folks,
I've posted here several times about horrible rectal muscle spasm and pelvic pain I've had for nearly 10 years...and been to specialists all across the country for it. Needless to say, I still have horrible pain.
Just within the last few months I've been REALLY trying to absorb the whole TMS approach and read all the books mentioned here. I've had a really rough year as well with divorce, moving, job change, etc. But...before all of that, I had pain...although I know these have added to the reservoir, SOMETHING is still causing this.
I've mostly identified personality traits that are most likely at the root instead of traumatic childhood events, etc. Basically, I'm a worrier, want people to think highly and like me, and I'm very analytic when it comes to life...all stress inducing traits. Multiple people have told me I'm my worst enemy because I'm so hard on myself or "anal" about things...go figure.
SO to my question...I've been journaling the last few weeks. I'm identifying mostly my personality traits. But my pain has been the WORST I think it has ever been which is scaring the heck out of me!
Does this sound completely normal to have IMMENSE pain (not moving around) while journaling and trying to fully accept it as TMS...(which I'm still trying to fully convince myself, very difficult for me).
I would love to hear your opinions or if you had your pain get REALLY bad before it got better.
I think I just need a "pep talk" to get me through the agony of it.
Thanks for listening!
P.S. I do plan on seeing Dr. Rochelle who was an author in TDM within the next few weeks. |
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Penny
USA
364 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2007 : 15:39:48
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Hi (((((((Paul))))))),
I'm so sorry you are hurting. You should really feel proud of yourself for all the work you are doing, and for sticking thru the journaling. You are going to recover from this; I just know it!!!!
I'd like to share with you that when I go to my psychoT, my pWord is oft excrutiating. Last week I sat on his couch with my arms around my head, rocking back and forth with a migraine that pounded everytime I spoke. But I continued on and talked and found some release. My first appt I almost didn't go b/c I was nearly convinced (by tooth pain) that I needed to see a dentist NOT a therapist. I realize my brain constantly looks for ways to distract me from the negative emotions I express in (and out) session. I wonder if this could be true for you too, especially if you are really hitting on some tough things while journaling. Also, I wonder if maybe your IC is ticked off at you about HAVING to journal? and is lashing out and trying to get you to stop. My thinking has changed and now when I have the pain, I try to get really emotional and rave and rant to try to release it.
Do you get Pword anywhere else? Have you tried any visualization? I have had some success with this. You can read about it in Freedom from Fibromyalgia. (This book has some excellent ideas, but it jumps around. This was the book that led me to TMS books. THANK GOD!!!!) You can go to
http://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Fibromyalgia-5-Week-Program-Conquer/dp/0812933753/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-7175965-4690212?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1177708757&sr=8-1
and "search inside" the word "visualize" read page 164, and the next couple pages it lets you access. Just another idea for you.
Have you read Brady's Pain free for Life? I really enjoyed this book and benefitted a lot from hearing all the messages. That's terrific that you'll be seeing one of Sarno specialists. I bet she'll have some great ideas for you too. Sorry I've shared MORE books with you. I'm bloody sick of reading all this crap, but I believe it is helping. I love the Loving What Is book you and Shawn recommended, BTW. Thanks. It's very touching andhas already began to help me with my relationship.
Hang in there, Paul. You are going to make it and get better; sometimes it just takes longer than we would like.
>|< Penn |
Edited by - Penny on 04/27/2007 15:42:56 |
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sensei adam rostocki
USA
167 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2007 : 15:46:58
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Increased symptom severity is a sure sign that you are getting closer to discovering something meaningful. Maybe you already have touched on it, but now you are truly starting to understand just how relevent it is to your pain. Keep at it, but remember to keep the pain in perspective. If it succeeds in scaring you into retreat, you might never beat it. Push onwards towards a cure.
CURE-BACK-PAIN(dot)ORG |
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Paul
134 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2007 : 16:03:33
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Penny, I have read every book you mention...even the Fibromyalgia one (read it several years ago in fact). I appreciate your post.
There is NO doubt I've unearthed some negative and stressful ways of thinking that may have caused me tension or TMS. But the thing is, even though I'm revealing these and can now see them...my pain has only gotten worse, not better. Of course, when it hurts SO bad, I feel huge fear and sadness (and anger towards IT!)...and so it is hard to just accept it, ignore it, and move on. I also work at home on the computer, alone, so the isolation doesn't help with the pain. If I had a real job, it might distract me from the pain and get my mind off of it...but working at home it doesn't work like this. BUT...the point is, it shouldn't matter if I work at home or not...I shouldn't have pain or have to do things just to be distracted from it.
For those of you who got better, did the pain increase big time when you journaled but you finally moved beyond it?
Whatever is going on...the muscles are really ticked off. I have been running almost each day as well (nearly 3 miles at a time) because I like to run. But sometimes I think that is making things worse as well...but I try not to think that way. I still do it anyway, even though the pain may hurt much more later after the run. But as soon as I run, I always feel better. Must be the natural "high" from running, etc. |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2007 : 17:10:12
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Paul, I think what SAR said is correct. You are getting close to really understanding and experiencing the emotions and behaviors that are causing your pain, not just intellectualizing about them. The two are very different. While intellectualizing about the issues is a necessary part of the realization process for dealing with TMS, it's the emotions that are scary to the unconscious.
Think about the pain connection. Why would you get worse from journaling, if the pain is not TMS? Journaling is not physically capable of making your pelvic pain get worse! Remind yourself the pain is TMS, and tell yourself you are going to go ahead with your work on the issues anyway even if it is "dangerous". You might try giving yourself affirmations that you are strong and aware now and able to experience and process your emotions, so if they do come out, it's okay because you'll be able to handle it.
It didn't take me long in journaling to get to the point of being able to say why I probably had TMS. After all, Sarno describes us so well in his books. But to experience any of the rage and sadness took longer and it was scary to begin with, to the point where I understood why the pain was "easier" in some sense. Keep going. It's tough but it's worth it.
If you're not using a structured journal, make sure in journaling you are focusing on emotions of situations that you write about, and ask yourself what you might have been feeling unconsciously in the situation as well as what you remember feeling consciously.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
Edited by - armchairlinguist on 04/27/2007 17:13:56 |
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Paul
134 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2007 : 18:03:30
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Thanks Armchairlinguist.
You said...
quote:
But to experience any of the rage and sadness took longer and it was scary to begin with, to the point where I understood why the pain was "easier" in some sense.
Are you saying that you did a lot of journaling at first but it didn't really get emotional (feeling the sadness or rage) until later? I'm not trying to put a time frame on things, but if this WAS the case, did this occur in a few weeks or did it take months?
I feel like I journal about the same issues, but at the same time, there might be a SLIGHTLY different angle or perspective that might arise.
I have a feeling since I've had the pain for so long and my particular patterns of thinking or actions or sort of ingrained that it may take a lot of repetition on the journaling and re-enforcing that it is indeed TMS. I know I don't grasp it 100% yet...even though I WANT to. I can feel doubt seep in, but yet it all makes sense (TMS).
I think one of my biggest hangups is if I should be doing some sort of Physical therapy for it or hot baths, stretching the internal muscles (I know, it isn't a pleasant thought), etc. That is the BIGGEST part of the doubt that comes in...actually eliminating those trigger points in the rectum and stretching those shortened muscles since they have been tightened for so long. Fully grasping that all of it will "let go" by sheer thinking and understanding TMS is my biggest obstacle. |
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Paul
134 Posts |
Posted - 04/28/2007 : 08:48:45
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JUST AN UPDATE:
Ok, so my pelvic pain had been horrible for several days...yet I continuted to journal each night. Then later yesterday I noticed my anxiety coming back more and some depression...and my stomach starting feeling sickly. I even went to bed early last night and still journaled. The last 2 nights I've had vivid dreams that were emotional for me and actually related to my life I think.
So I woke up this morning after nearly 9 hours of sleep and at first I didn't notice my pain, but I felt sickly...stomach kind of upset, very tired, and sort of edgy and sad. But mostly just exhausted. The pelvic pain was very low...but as I got up and around, it started creeping back and the other upset stomach part started to settle down. Still very tired though.
Do you think this is just a coincidence or just not feeling well naturally or do you think it is TMS related and things are shifting?
It is so scary in a way because I just don't know how bad it is going to make me ill in other ways before I get better... |
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Shary
147 Posts |
Posted - 04/28/2007 : 08:59:55
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Paul, I did find that journaling sometimes increased my pain. The journaling brought up issues I didn't want to deal with, but once they were out of my subconscious mind and at the forefront of my conscious mind, I had no choice but to at least acknowledge them. I had to address the fact that some of these things couldn't remain in limbo indefinitely, and that I would eventually have to work toward a resolution of some sort. I think the knowledge that I would need to take action, versus a head in the sand approach, is what temporarily triggered more pain.
What seems to work for me is to figure out, step by step, what I have to do about these unresolved issues, including looking at all the various options. Sometimes I do it mentally and sometimes I make a list. Then, even if I haven't yet accomplished anything concrete, I've gone through the motions and know what I have to do when the time comes. Strangely enough, this seems to satisfy my subconscious mind even when there isn't much action that can be taken. I hope this makes sense. |
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justme
63 Posts |
Posted - 04/28/2007 : 09:20:36
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Hi Paul-
I understand your doubt about journalling. I feel that way myself - like last night. I got so angry at a significant other for their behavior. However I knew that addressing that person about their behavior, or getting mad at them would only make the other person's behavior worsen. As I internally got angrier at the person my symptoms strengthened. Thought about journalling, but then decided against because I didnt want to spend time with those feelings. I think our society so emphasizes "not dwelling on things". I knew I would just get angrier if I dwelled on it. But I guess that is what I need to do to get rid of my pain (which resides in the chest/throat area). I feel so all alone with my feelings. I am even afraid of wasting alot of a therapist's time listening to my whining. I have a tendency to move the therapy towards resolution so that I can look like the perfect patient (I have been called that, by the way, in the past).
Your personality characteristics ("Basically, I'm a worrier, want people to think highly and like me, and I'm very analytic when it comes to life...all stress inducing traits") match mine exactly.
I do believe there is lots of hope for us. Guess we have to put in the time with those feelings.
Best of luck to you in your appointment.
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Shary
147 Posts |
Posted - 04/28/2007 : 10:08:00
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| Justme sounds like a carbon copy of myself. I have a spouse (S.O.) that is a nonrespecter of boundaries. If I try to approach a disagreement in a civilized manner I usually get shouted down. This causes me a tremendous amount of anger for letting myself get steamrollered by such childishness. On the other hand, I dislike losing my temper and screaming back at him. Then I'm really disgusted with myself for not being an adult by taking the higher road. In journaling the situation, I've come to the conclusion that I need to dump this relationship, but that isn't without its problems either. For the time being, it's sort of a no-win situation. But even addressing that much has helped my TMS. |
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Shary
147 Posts |
Posted - 04/30/2007 : 17:05:31
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Justme, feel free to email me at sweettansysmom@earthlink.net if you like.
The first thing to understand is that you can't change someone else. Also, you need to know what's real and what's only a matter of attitude.
I thought for years that I was trapped in a relationship that doesn't work by a need for financial security for myself and my disabled son. I was willing to make sacrifices galore to hold things together, to the point where I developed a really low opinion of myself. It was only after I learned to dissect what I previously thought to be carved in stone that I realized I was trapped mostly by my own inflexibility. This knowledge has opened doors I didn't know existed! It has helped considerably in dealing with an S.O. that thinks he always has to have the upper hand, probably because he's locked into his own set of inflexibilities. This hasn't totally resolved the situation, but knowing I really can walk away from this relationship if I have to has helped tremendously. True, we would both pay a price, but it can be done.
Pema Chodron has written an excellent book called When Things Fall Apart. Some of her teachings are kind of hard to get your mind around, but much of it really resonated with me and is helping me reach a healthier place. |
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Paul
134 Posts |
Posted - 04/30/2007 : 17:22:43
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I wish this thread would have not got off topic so much, but that is ok.
Thanks everyone...
Paul |
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Shary
147 Posts |
Posted - 05/01/2007 : 08:28:31
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| I apologize, Paul. We did get a bit off the subject, but when I post something, I usually try to look at it as possibly being of benefit to someone who is trying to get better, even if it is a little off-track. |
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justme
63 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 17:19:29
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Paul-
I too apologize for going off thread. I am just starting to understand how this forum works.
Shary-
Thank you for your email contact, and your reply to me |
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Journaling possibly leading to more pain?
