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AmyAJJ
98 Posts |
 Posted - 05/05/2008 : 01:01:04
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After spending a while here responding to some of the posts from others, I'm noticing fears and worries about what people here on the forum will think about me.
As I find myself in that mental situation, I'm noticing a tenseness on the side of my back that I don't usually experience pain.
I thought I'd start a new post just to show my mindbody that it's okay to have written what I've written. They're just thoughts. People will either like them or not, or appreciate them or not, and if they do or don't, what does that have to do with me personally?
One of the big issues I've worked on over the years is my fear of speaking up and letting myself be heard. So showing up on the forum here in this way tonight is progress. Yes, my little fear came up afterwards, but at least it didn't stop me from sharing some things in the first place.
I can feel that back pain that just came up kind of dissipating as I write this. The worst that can happen if someone doesn't like something that I wrote is that they tell me and I have some hurt feelings perhaps. But like I was saying in one of the replies I gave, there's no need for a pain distraction because I'm way more willing to be with the unpleasant emotions and I'm okay if they come up.
I can handle it. That's what I'm letting my mindbody know right now.
Feels much better.
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mizlorinj
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2008 : 11:43:07
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Amy: good for you! Happy to hear of your progress.
Truly, it's what we think of ourselves that matters most. |
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campbell28
80 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2008 : 17:14:38
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was interested in what you said here and your other post about exercising and anxiety.I am constantly worrying about what other people will think of me - even though I am really trying now not to worry so much and just to do things anyway. and I know I worry about what I write here being taken the wrong way too.
But I get so pissed off with myself because I know I modify my behaviour - even to kind of catching the modulations of people's voices and expressions - depending on who I am with.
Then I get resentful because I feel I'm being forced into acting a certain way; and I get exhausted with keeping up a 'front', and so it makes me not want to see people.
But no-one's forcing me to do anything! It's all me - and I know that if I could just be who I am and not give a s**t that I wouldn't get so stupidly anxious and uptight about socialising. Or not even socialising: even interacting with close friends and family.
It's all connected with being afraid to let feelings out. your post about exercise and anxiety really struck a chord because its like - the feelings can be scary, or overwhelming, or I just feel like - for gods sake, why do I have to feel this stupid ugly emotion, why can't I just be OK?
but if you don't let the feelings out you do just kind of wall over them, retreat back into feeling really distanced and detatched from everyone. and of course you ARE detatched because you're not letting anyone see how you really feel. So i think you do need to feel the feelings, not go into that numbness, however inconvenient the feelings are. i suppose we feel that strong emotions 'interrupt' everyday life - I know I do - I feel that they're a disruption, and intrusion, that they're dangerous somehow. but actually they're part of life, they should be part of life, they're not something you can just parcel out at the 'right' time, because there is no right time.
and what you said about the girl in india, and what baseball said about the news, made sense as well. I do try not to read the news quite so much any more (one bonus of not being an actual f******ng news journalist any more) because I just end up feeling so guilty about the entire planet. Death, war , floods, injustice, domestic violence, neglected children, pollution - I feel like the whole lot of them are all my fault and I should be doing much more to stop them happening. and like this weekend I just spent with friends, eating and drinking, and I feel guilty and resentful I didn't do anything 'useful' or more productive or that would save the planet in some way.
But actually - if i'm really honest - i don't want to save the sodding planet. Well I do, but not personally. I used to do loads of volunteering and a lot of it just made me feel even more guilty and resentful. how screwed up is that?
this forum is great because it feels like a safe place to just rant and say what i'm actually feeling. its not even so much about the physical symnptoms any more but just knowing there are people who will understand when you say ' today i feel like a complete mentalist and this is why...'
so today i feel like a mentalist but i hope tomorrow will be better. i wish my emotions would just come out, i wish i didn't have to coax and berate and work at getting down to them. i wish my default pattern wasn't 'keep going, i'm fine' and i didn't have to keep digging down underneath what i THINK i'm feeling to what i'm ACTUALLY feeling and then run around my room like a lunatic doing silent screaming and ripping up books. i wish i could override years of training and habit and actually shout out loud and not worry that the neighbours will hear and think someone is being murdered and come round all worried or that my parents will also think i am being murdered and then be incredibly concerned and ocnfused when i try to explain what i am doing. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHH.
ok rant over. |
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JohnD
USA
371 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2008 : 19:32:32
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Amy,
I think your post is great!
Thanks for doing that.
John |
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positivevibes
204 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2008 : 09:45:00
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Amy, I've struggled my whole life with trying not to care what others think of me. I'm still struggling.
Years ago, in college I had a friend who had been in a scoliosis brace all throughout high school. He was a very gentle soul. I remember discussing my feelings with him one day about an uncomfortable social situaion that involved some other people, and he said, "why do you care what they think of you?" Truly, he was able to live his life totally not caring what other people thought of him. I suppose having to wear a brace like that for years helped him get over it. I always admired him for being able to really not care what other people thought.
I've tried to adopt that philosophy, but I've never quite been able to get over it. I can say, "who cares -- this is what I think!" or "I have a right to my opinion no matter what others think!," or other things. But deep down it does bother me. It's something I'm actively working on now. But when it is so ingrained -- I'm 47 years old and have felt this way most of my life -- it's hard to stop those thoughts and feelings.
I suppose the deeper question is -- when did I start feeling that way, and why do I still feel that way now? Personally I can think of a few reasons going back to childhood.
I just want you to know that you're not alone in feeling this way. I often put my foot in my mouth and then I perceive that people don't seem to like me anymore. Then I feel sad and it starts a whole cycle of self-recrimination and ultimately I start feeling depressed.
Just recently this happened again. My daughter has a friend whose mom does interior decorating. I needed new window coverings on several windows, and she said she could help me. It took months between both of our busy schedules to pick things out. Then it took her a many months to finally give me prices! I'm not quick to make decisions on things that are very expensive like this and I think it's frustrating her. To make a long story short, she expressed some displeasure regarding my indeciveness last week which immediately made me think, "I've crossed the line and now she doesn't like me anymore." In addition, my daughter developed a health problem and I confided it in her -- and to my surprise, her reaction to it was very cold -- not supportive at all. I felt deeply hurt and was very upset. Really, I think I'm disproportionately upset. My husband said, "Well, now you know that she's not really a friend." He's right of course, she's an acquaintance, not a friend -- but I had wanted her to be friend. And that's why the rejection hurts so much.
Have you ever watched "Curb Your Enthusiasm" with Larry David? Well lately I've realized that sometimes I'm like a female Larry David -- getting myself into uncomfortable situations. The difference is, the Larry character on that TV show doesn't care what other people think of him. But it matters all too much to me! |
Edited by - positivevibes on 05/06/2008 10:00:50 |
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Noraloui
9 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2008 : 11:32:05
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| I, too, still worry about what others think of me. For me, this goes back to childhood. My parents were immigrants and I remember feeling ashamed of them when I was in school as none of my friends' parents had these strange accents. I remember getting very anxious any time I planned to have a new friend visit. I have since gotten over this feeling re my parents but I still care too much what people might think of me. I know that frequently I will say what I think people want to hear. It's still a struggle and I think this conflict of wanting to be yourself but fearful to do so is fodder for TMS symptoms. |
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Kareem
Canada
8 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2008 : 22:49:12
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I love reading these topics, it's good to know I'm not the only person like this, especially since I come from a Greek and Tunisian family, all us men are machos, we don't feel emotions, we don't know what social anxiety is. It's actually strange feeling for me to even write this. Reading some of these posts, I would love to have a chat with some of you, I like knowing there are some people I can relate to.
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Giving Voice to the Goodist
