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Erata
63 Posts |
 Posted - 10/02/2009 : 14:59:03
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I don't often write on the site though I find much value in what I read, when not reading about symptoms. Sorry that this will be long, but I am at the lowest I've ever been and I'm so scared. My symptoms have been in an acute stage for a long time, and I have to remind myself of its relation to the acute fear I feel and stress I'm under. My husband of 20 years abandoned me, our daughter, farm and animals, over four years ago and my daughter delayed college for three years after we were left to deal with everything. Since the economy worsened, I've lost half my income (I do financial work for a small customer base from home) and last winter I agreed to contract with someone I know to harvest mature timber from our property to make some extra money and clear out the woods. My husband, who went missing from our divorce proceedings over two years ago, has now re-surfaced and is suing me for a quarter of a million dollars (which, considering my assets, might as well be a quarter of a zillion) on trumped up charges of malicious destruction of property. Even though he deserted the farm and stopped all financial help and I've paid all the expenses, property taxes, insurance, etc... He stopped returning my phone calls in May of 2007 and I just made the decisions that were necessary to make. It's such an outrageous charge and rationally I can't imagine how he could win the lawsuit, but I don't know how the law ultimately works, it's been going on since early July and the court won't hear the motion to dismiss the suit until mid-November. The income I earned (which I had put into a separate escrow account anyway, because I knew I'd need to settle it with him eventually with the divorce) and more, will all go to my lawyer.
Because of the lack of work, renewed divorce proceedings, and now a lawsuit (I've never even had a parking ticket!), I'm in a constant state of anxiety over the two upcoming trials (the divorce trial is set next February) and I can barely walk. I wonder about myself, that I spent 20 years living with someone who is capable of such malice and spite. A few months after we met, I 'herniated' a disc and spent two months in bed, after which, over the years, I developed strange neurological symptoms, continued back pain and was later diagnosed with Lyme Disease and Fibromyalgia. I think maybe my body was trying to tell me something from the beginning.
Though I love the farm and the animals and want to hold on to it for my daughter's sake (she wants to build a home here and raise her horses), if not my own, I think I'm also enraged about the weight I'm trying to carry and of being so responsible for it all because they all are relying on me. I have nobody close--I'm estranged from my family of origin--to support me or 'watch my back'. Because of his actions, our daughter is now estranged from her father and she's got no other family but me; my other daughter, her step-sister, and her family, live 2,000 miles away.
I hate whining and complaining or sounding like a victim, but I really am feeling like I've been victimized by someone who has every intention to try to destroy me and doesn't care what happens to our daughter or our animals. (One of the biggest problems I had with him was that he was/is a pathological liar and I don't know to what extremes he'll go to win his case.)
I wonder if anyone else has had the experience of extreme TMS, like Fibromyalgia, worsening within a long destructive relationship (well, dah, of course). Any help anybody has is really appreciated. Thanks. |
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 10/02/2009 : 15:56:35
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Hi Erata,
Sorry to hear about your troubles. I highly recommend nvc mediation.
Nonviolent Communication (nvc) is a way of empathically connecting with people by communicating your feelings and needs and understanding their feelings and needs. There's a book by Marshall Rosenberg (called "Nonviolent Communication") which I recommend you read to get an understanding of it. It's a very enjoyable book and I think it's very appropriate for us TMS-ers.
The situation you describe sounds very complex and I think it's better if you get a trained nvc mediator to help out. Aside from saving on legal fees I think it will help you feel much more at peace with the situation in the future.
Hilary N |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2009 : 02:46:01
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Sorry to contradict, Hilary, but when dealing with a sociopath, nvc is no use at all - in fact, your empathy could be used against you.
Erata: I can relate to your situation. Without going into details, I have lived aspects of it in different ways in the last few years. And fibro has been my long-term life challenge - now a flickering ember instead of a burning fire.
I'm going to say what worked for me. It's kind of "attitudinal" and spiritual, and has gone hand-in-hand with my Sarno-type work.
I've done my best to completely and continually let go of trying to control my life, and to trust in a Higher Power that can handle things. Amazingly, this has carried me through circumstances that would torch the paint of a wall. The things and people and life and money and status and so on that I have lost are - I now see - all meant to have been lost so that I can move into a new reality. I see it like kind of living two or more lives in one lifetime, without having to die. Lots of people are experiencing this these days - it's as though we signed up for rapid evolution.
For me, it's been a clear karmic acceleration, and I've had a couple of experiences in which I "remembered" signing up for this because I wanted to expand my consciousness in this life. I know anyone can scoff or argue with such a point of view - but consider the alternative: resist, resist, get sicker, sicker...
Radical acceptance and even humor work quite well, I've found, in intensely traumatic circumstances, ALONG WITH allowing your inner child to be really, really angry at what is happening. One without the other can be quite unbalancing.
In these kinds of situations (which, by the way, no one can remotely imagine if they don't live through them), it's very very easy to "prove" that the situation is bad, impossible, hopeless, and so on. In fact you may find that either people will avoid you because what is happening to you is so scary they believe you must be crazy, or they will give you pieces of advice that are good for more normal situations, but useless when you are facing these kinds of multiple, uncontrollable challenges.
I send you love and support and invite you also to e-mail me personally if you want.
xxx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
Edited by - Wavy Soul on 10/04/2009 02:50:00 |
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scottjmurray
266 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2009 : 05:46:17
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This guy sounds like a real winner. I wish there was some way for you to recover all that lost money with the court proceedings. Best of luck in the coming months.
I also second the motion to not use NVC to deal with this guy.
~*~
author of tms-recovery . com |
Edited by - scottjmurray on 10/04/2009 05:48:16 |
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Erata
63 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2009 : 09:19:20
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Thank you so much for these responses! Up until 4 years ago, I really believed that most people could be reasoned with, were ultimately compassionate, and a marriage was a 50/50 responsibility (in both successes and failures). Probably like most TMS susceptible people, I usually, internally, anyway, took on more responsibility to try to make things work, and the blame if things didn’t. The internal rage that responsibility generates is enormous.
Wavy Soul, your words were the elixir I so much need to wake up to this morning. You’re very astute and aware about sociopathic (aka psychopathic) personality disorders and also about how others respond to these circumstances they bring with them. When my first marriage ended 28 years ago, we worked out our divorce through a mediator and I very much support cooperative efforts rather than contention, but such negotiations with a psychopathic mate are impossible and even dangerous because of how they are able to manipulate people and twist circumstances to their advantage. When my husband walked out 4 years ago, I was in a state of shock at how he did it and began researching mid-life crisis but instead found that he fit almost all of the traits for psychopathy. Then, the real picture of our relationship, my own actions, and our marriage suddenly made sense, like looking at one of those 3-D pictures where the real picture comes into view if you look at it differently.
I thank you for suggesting these tools of acceptance and letting go of trying to control the outcome (I do intend to fight the charges and try to keep what I can of the farm), and in trust. What you wrote echoes the words of my older daughter (who has been through incredible trials throughout her life) who, when I’ve tried to apologize for my responsibility for what she’s been through, has responded that if events had been any different, she wouldn’t have the life and children she has now, and, about the material things, “Mom, eventually, we all have to say goodbye to everything we’ve got”.
When I’m filling in the endless legal forms and interrogatories, I’m finding I need to separate out my emotional responses and just treat it like a ‘job’ to be done. If I sob and rant and rail about the injustice and unfairness of what’s happening, I can almost always recognize the little girl inside of me who is enraged about being abused and abandoned as a child, and how much of my present incomprehension over how this can be happening to me relates back to my childhood.
And yes to the need for a sense of humor! (When my daughter and her boyfriend do any work around the farm we joke, be careful, ‘C’ might sue you for removing that dead bush! Or, “Tell the horses not to poop in the lower field, ‘C’ might sue them for malicious destruction of property!”)
Back to severity of TMS symptoms and fear; I’m terrified of going to court and being judged (I mean, who wouldn’t be, but I think the extreme fear I feel is because of how I was threatened to remain silent as a child). Because of the severity of symptoms and with difficulty in standing and walking, I’m afraid I’ll need a wheelchair for court and I feel so ashamed because of my pride and because I fear it will ‘look like’ I’m trying to get sympathy or pity and I hate that!
Thanks again for these answers, and, Wavy, I will write to you personally after I finish these forms that I need to get to my lawyer by Tuesday.
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Edited by - Erata on 10/04/2009 11:42:51 |
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miche
Canada
283 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2009 : 17:55:52
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Erata,
I read more often then I post on this site however I want to wish you all the best in the coming months , don't worry about what anyone will or will not say about using your wheel chair in court , you can only worry about what's in your power to control .
I also have fibro , mine was diagnosed around the time of my divorce and all the emotions and stress that went with it , I can relate to what Wavy says about losing status , finances etc, however I also have learned and grown in ways I would not have imagined otherwise.
I once read that when God closes one door he opens another however sometimes the hallway in between is a real b####h !
Stay strong and look for the light at the end of the tunnel ,
Miche |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2009 : 23:31:35
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Yeah, that darn post-divorce-post-losing-everything-hallway bitch thing ...
However, my fibro got BETTER after 30-some years when all that sh*t hit the fan. I realize now that I was forced to FEEL my pain so I no longer needed a way to distract me so much.
Erata, we are with you at various stages of the hallway. And that new stuff in the future is overrated anyway.
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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Erata
63 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2009 : 16:39:34
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Grrrrrr.....I discovered today that the interrogatories I received from my lawyer were copies, for my information, of the interrogatories sent by her to my husband's lawyer for my husband to fill out (who can keep track?)--not me! I thought I'd read the legalese correctly and there was no cover letter so I spent three days going through years of financial records, etc.......the upside is that I'll have to fill out the questionnaires his lawyer sends anyway, so my efforts won't all be in vain--I just hope they request the same information.
I'm not totally illiterate, but, along with increased physical symptoms, I'm hyper sensitive and fearful, phobic and visually challenged regarding any and every document I get about these proceedings. It's interesting to me how my brain is disturbing my visual perceptions as well as triggering decades old PTSD. I'll read a sentence over and over and each time perceive contradictory information. I feel like a child again, trying hard to navigate daily life while hoping to stay invisible to the predators looming outside the door.......
Thank you so much for offering your cyber hands to hold while I (try to) walk down this seemingly endless hallway! Currently, it's these kinds of gestures of good will and support, along with Belleruth Naparstek & Claire Weeks recordings & books that get me through the day!
xxoo
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2009 : 06:33:32
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quote:
I'll read a sentence over and over and each time perceive contradictory information.
Eegh, I don't envy you having to read that stuff. In a sressful situation a while back I had times when I felt like my brain just fogged up and I felt really stupid.
btw I'd encourage you to reconsider nvc mediation. Personally I was very impressed by the story in the book of the woman who had a knife held to her thhroat and was able to defuse the situation.
I think the work of nonviolent peacekeepers in war situations is even more impressive.
I find it a powerful tool to use in my own life. Sometimes it appears to backfire spectacularly when I use it, but that's because I'm still a beginner and learning by doing and making mistakes - an essential part of learning, as long as it's done in a safe environment.
That's why in a situation such as yours (definitely not a safe environment!) I would recommend using an experienced person rather than trying to do it yourself.
Wishing you all the best,
Hilary N |
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Erata
63 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2009 : 10:26:01
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Hi Hilary,I haven't read about NVC in depth but can support such alternatives to conflict, at least in theory. I don't see this as an option in this instance though, but thanks for the effort.
xxoo |
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 10/08/2009 : 03:54:15
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Yes, it does sound like you have rather a lot on your plate.
xx
Hilary N |
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njoy
Canada
188 Posts |
Posted - 11/01/2009 : 19:15:21
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In my experience, there is a time to kick ass and then there is a time to let go of trying to control the uncontrollable and trust that however things work out is for the best. I know the second option sounds ridiculous to an ass-kicker (I am one by nature so I do understand) but sometimes ass-kicking simply doesn't work and the second option becomes the only one left.
Best of luck with your very difficult situation, errata. We are all with you. |
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Erata
63 Posts |
Posted - 11/02/2009 : 14:30:18
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Thank you njoy, I really could use this right about now because I've done all I can do and now it's out of my hands.
I'm reading a great book: "Deep Survival" by Laurence Gonzales. It's about what we need (inside) to survive when outcomes look bleak. Though most of the stories related take place in the wilderness, at sea, or in extreme weather conditions, it's really about how the brain works when one's life is challenged and it's written to be relevant to anyone's life. We're all at sea or lost at some point, and what we do with our automatic actions, assumptions and beliefs is critical to how we survive and accept difficult situations. I highly recommend it.
Thanks again. |
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njoy
Canada
188 Posts |
Posted - 11/02/2009 : 19:32:12
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You're very welcome, erata. Life keeps on happening (sometimes horrendous things like you are facing) and, it seems to me, job one is to cope with emotional reactivity so I can deal most effectively with the challenges. Right now, my favorite method for sorting out my inner workings is an offshoot of EFT but much easier to do. The web site is paintap.com where you can find a video and, if you like, a good $ 10 ebook that tells you everything you need to know. I think the author's reasoning (he's a psychiatrist) about mind/body is very much in line with Dr. Sarno's.
Works for me, anyway.
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Fibromyalgia and destructive relationships
