I put up a thread a few weeks ago talking about my extreme pain of seeming fibro after cancer surgery earlier this year. Everyone gave me all kinds of advice, and I went to a lousy TMS therapist, but I DID have a great phone conversation with a member of this forum (not sure if he wants me to name him). He spent quite a while reminding me that the whole cycle of thinking about whether it's TMS ... IS the TMS. And thinking and worrying about symptoms.
Thing is, my symptoms were pretty f*ing intense, and I did just have that REAL illness, right? Things got worse (that's why I wasn't even posting).
It took a few weeks before some part of me was ready to return to the TMS fold. When I came to my next moment of truth a couple of weeks ago, after a painful, weak day in bed, and decided that it wasn't real illness despite every imaginable perceived evidence, my reality shifted very quickly.
The next day I had plenty of energy, like panicky (plus some triggering sh*t happened with my family situation in UK) and It all shifted into the depression/anxiety mode, XGames Version. All of a sudden I was in a panic; I went to the movies with a friend so as not to go home alone, and the only movie on late was GREEN LANTERN (which I would have never seen otherwise). The whole message of the so-so movie was that there is a fear monster in the universe that we have to fight with our WILL. I took it personally as a sort of message.
However, in a panic about my panic, and affected by my plunging affect, I actually went to my doc next day and got some Lamictal. She said it's a good med for the kind of up-down I was experiencing.
I knew deep-down it was just my TMS equivalent, though, and after playing it out, filling the prescription and taking half a pill, I decided to actually face the EMOTIONAL illness as not being ill. I used my own brilliant techniques on it and the whole thing disappeared within hours.
Now my cat is ill... does that count as symptom imperative?
Meanwhile, I've been writing my book for hours a day. Although my back hurts, I'm getting up frequently, rolling on a roller, going to the gym, coming home and writing.
I would pretty much say I'm better, even though I'm needing caffeine.
This is a very difficult journey sometimes, almost like walking on water. Saying that something that anyone on the planet would say is real ISN'T real takes a kind of crazy faith.
Thanks for being there and upholding the faith. Yeah, yeah, I know we like to think it's all very scientific, but it ain't. It's faith. However, like irrational optimism, if it makes you live longer, it's rational even if it's irrational. just saying...
Thank you everyone. xxx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
UPDATE: Was it TMS?
Posted - 07/10/2011 : 23:06:30
