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jaya
USA
175 Posts |
 Posted - 11/25/2011 : 04:59:09
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| does anyone out there feel that your spouse/partner adds to your resevoir of rage..even though you love them dearly? i just figured out this on turkey day, my spouse makes me so internally angry, whenever we argue she never wants to make up or work it out..shes a time healer. me, not so much, i like working things through until things feel right... theres my ocd again! what do you think? |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 11/25/2011 : 18:07:27
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I just saw the incredible movie The Descendants, by George Clooney. At one point, he is saying to his wife (as she lies in a coma), "my love, my pain...
When I had a REALLY painful breakup some years ago, my TMS got a lot better. My rage was pretty obvious, not suppressed, and the rage-inducing situations that I had ignored in order to maintain the relationship were gone.
I don't think this means that one should separate, necessarily. It will only be something else. The thing is to be able to manage one's own feelings and energy. Yeah. Piece of cake.
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2011 : 08:20:20
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Even the happiest partnerships involve a certain amount of conscious anger. Moreover, classical TMS theory would hold that on a subconscious level, there's always plenty of rage. A good marriage, like all productive human relationships, by definition often require putting the needs of someone else above our own. That;s always going to send the id into a rageful tizzy.
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Edited by - art on 11/26/2011 11:06:28 |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 12/01/2011 : 22:31:22
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I love this phrase
"id in a tizzy!"
idinatizzy
new name for tms
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2011 : 05:55:59
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idtizziness
tizzidiness  |
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2011 : 16:38:58
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Jaya,
it's very easy to blame ones partner...I know as I've done plenty of it, no-one on this earth can push my buttons like my partner. The problem with this is that blaming has us be a victim, and there is no power in being a victim. Thus if one continues to play this way one remains at the 'effect' of one's partner. Now replace the word partner with any other thing on this earth and you might start to see how we do life.
We usually spend our days getting our buttons pushed by whatever out there.....we allow the outside world to affect our inside world. It doesn't really matter what it is....you can replace your partner and the next person or thing will piss us off......it's just the way it goes, in my experience.
If you love her, then she obviously is great to be around.....and you just get pissed off when things don't go your way ( aka buttons ) this is the human condition.....and a result of our childish controlling minds.
If you want to make a quantum leap along the evolutionary/TMS path, learn to observe and allow those feelings to "flow" and then let them go...just drop them.......it can be done easily with some practice. If you aren't a student of the Sedona method then I highly recommend you get the book as soon as you finish reading this post, and start practicing....or you can continue getting pissed off 
D |
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MatthewNJ
USA
691 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2011 : 14:06:53
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Jaya,
YES, YES, YES. BUT it was how I choose to react. I know that is a hard pill to swallow, but we really DO choose (unconsciously or otherwise). I had a sciatica episode and an ulcer (that put me in the hospital) between 6/2007 and 9/2008. Not to mention 28 + years of back pain on and off. NOW, my marriage is near ending and I do not have severe pain or an ulcer. All my symptoms are very minimal. I have made a choice to do things, see things, respond to things differently. It took a lot of work. And I continue to work on it every day.
Matthew
Ferretsx3@comcast.net
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Less activated, more regulated and more resilient. |
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Joy_I_Am
United Kingdom
138 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2012 : 05:29:40
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Jaya, I have been thinking about this lately - someone you love dearly, and who is fundamentally a good person, but just enrages you sometimes!
Example: A few months ago, my husband got a new fitness gadget that counts your steps and logs your activity on the computer. He was raving about this, and I was glad for him, because it really seemed to be helping him be more active. He seemed to be hinting for me to get one, so I told him firmly that it wouldn't work for me - I was happily exercising every day anyway, mixing it up, doing weights, dance and cardio and lots of walking. In fact, it was part of my self-development to be doing this for fun, trusting myself to take care of myself, rather than as a goodist chore.
So guess what I got for my birthday - yeah, Le Gadget. What most infuriated me was that he HADN'T LISTENED. I was speaking, being calmly assertive of my opinion (progress!), and assuming I had been heard - and I hadn't (and this was months ago, so I knew he hadn't already bought it for me then). So I pretended I was pleased with it, then went and had a quiet cry in the bathroom, and spent the rest of my birthday trying to rise above it and be cheery. I know it sounds silly, but it was about more than getting a duff present - it was all about the not being heard.
That was three weeks ago. I came down with flu two days after my birthday (I doubt this was a coincidence), and took ages to shake it off, particularly as my husband had taken that week off work and wanted to go out and do lots of active things and use our gadgets together... (though he got pulled up short when he realised I was taking more steps than him because I have shorter legs, lol!) I forced myself out, though I felt really ill and just wanted to curl up in bed. This is my fault, but I was feeling too sick to assert myself, and also didn't want to 'spoil his holiday'.
I've also felt nauseous and easily fatigued since then, and old anxiety problems are flaring up in me. I am very angry that my exercise has been 'taken off me' like this. He's even a bit snitty about me doing weights, but as a woman in her forties, I think this is an important part of my workouts, and I LOVE feeling physically strong!
So yeah. It was meant well, it wasn't an attempt to control me... but it ended up being one, you know? It also tapped into some very old patterns, where my family would always have a big fight at birthdays and Christmas, and I, as a nervous child, would anxiously try to make everything right and pretend to be happy.
Also, my parents gave me the strong message that I couldn't look after myself and run my own my life, and I COULD and I WAS, if only in a small way.
So I hope you won't mind me venting here. A lot of people would say 'So you had a crap present, so get over it' - and indeed, I really need to by now - but I think a lot of you here will also understand where I'm coming from. Just writing this has helped!
Once again, hooray for Dr Sarno, he gives us the tools and insight to deal with this stuff.
Joy |
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Joy_I_Am
United Kingdom
138 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2012 : 05:33:47
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Oh, I just thought of this: my mother always bought our birthday presents, but when I turned 16, my father gave me his first and last ever present - a book about a hobby that he loved (and I loathed). And I had to pretend I was pleased, despite my disappointment.
Anyone hear the sounds of buttons being pushed?!
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2012 : 09:03:43
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These things that infuriate you on a conscious level, try to dig deeper and figure out what it is about the child inside you that is in a blind rage about it.
Yes, it is true that you are hurt because your husband seemed to not listen to you, but what is it about your personality that makes you so sensitive to that?
It is not uncommon at all that people that we love dearly cause a great deal of unconscious rage. The physical symptoms present themselves so that we can focus on them, instead of accepting and exploring those "dangerous" feelings that we would never want to admit are there. |
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balto
839 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2012 : 09:33:34
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quote:
Originally posted by Joy_I_Am
So guess what I got for my birthday - yeah, Le Gadget. What most infuriated me was that he HADN'T LISTENED. I was speaking, being calmly assertive of my opinion (progress!), and assuming I had been heard - and I hadn't (and this was months ago, so I knew he hadn't already bought it for me then). So I pretended I was pleased with it, then went and had a quiet cry in the bathroom, and spent the rest of my birthday trying to rise above it and be cheery. I know it sounds silly, but it was about more than getting a duff present - it was all about the not being heard.
I did something very similar to my wife. I bought her a birthday present I know she didn't want but I thought is useful and needed for her. She openned it and gave me a big hug and thanking me. She excused herself and went down the basement. Came back with a big box with the words "Goodwill donation" on it. She put my present it the box and calmly went back to continue openning her other presents.
The box did go to Goodwill and I did got her message. I don't force my wishes on her ever again.
I don't know what your husband would do in my case, but for me, I appreciate my wife's honesty and to the point reaction. She never hide her feeling from anyone and I think that help tremendously with our marriage. We men sometimes are too "practical", we forget to be sensitive and considerate of other people's feeling and wishes.
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No, I don't know everything. I'm just here to share my experience. |
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toxic partner?
