| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Carolyn |
Posted - 06/09/2011 : 08:31:25
I've not posted in awhile. I consider myself a TMS success story- after many years of chronic pains- mostly pelvic pain of various diagnoses- I have been pretty much pain-free for years now. Or i should say free of physical pain. What I have found is that now that I reflexively question every physical pain that pops up, the physical pain never lasts long but I have SO much more emotional pain. I suffer from a lot of anxiety which I never was aware of before my discovery of TMS. Since I don't allow myself to bury it by experienceing physical pain instead, I am stuck with the anxiety and anger. I am so surprised to see just how much anger I have in me - being the classic nice girl people pleaser - no one would ever guess. I know this is supposed to be a good thing- to feel it and release it- but I am not finding that I am releasing it, just wallowing in it.
It is starting to affect my life and relationships and I find I am yelling at my kids- one of them in particular who is having a hard time and making a lot of bad decisins- much more than is warranted. I know this is not fair to them and I don't want to pass on the dysfunctional family dynamics that got me into this position in the first place so I am considering antidepressants to lengthen my fuse. I have used them off and on in the past and find I go on them for a while then go off them and will be fine for a year or so then my anxiety starts to build again. I am trying to commit myself to journaling and feeling my emotions again and my question is whether being on antidepressants will hinder this process by making it harder for me to access my negative emotions so I can (theoretically) feel them and release them.
Any insights are greatly appreciated - as always.
Carolyn |
| 14 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Dave |
Posted - 06/12/2011 : 10:25:21
quote:
Originally posted by Carolyn
...maybe it would be better for me to express it but I don't feel like I'm expressing it and getting rid of it- yelling at them makes me feel awful and that just adds more to the anger.
I agree expressing this anger towards your children is unhealthy.
When I suggest to treat this anger as a symptom, I mean to consider that when you have the urge to get really angry at your kids, to consider it a smokescreen for deeper seeded feelings.
Of course, your kids are going to do things that make you angry, and sometimes the anger is warranted and directed at things they have done. But perhaps sometimes is escalates because it touches on some of the repressed rage inside you.
During these times perhaps you can go somewhere to be alone and let it all fly. Sometimes, when I am alone and in a safe place, I will scream at the top of my lungs and say what is really on my mind. At minimum, it lets off steam. But sometimes, it can clear the air for me to get in touch with what is really bothering me inside. Often it is not anger, but sadness, frustration, and other negative feelings I was not even aware I was pushing down. |
| healingback |
Posted - 06/12/2011 : 08:48:24
carolyn,
just wondered how your pain for yu si joint dysfunction came to fade ? did the clicking gradually decrease ? or the pain just went all of a sudden one day, or gradually some days it was there sometimes it wasnt ? im trying to work out whats normal, how i can pick this apart as being tms and not a physical issue. i did awhile back now have a period when developed heart palpations and the back pain seemed less, but it was hard to tell as i was concentrating on the new problem. but since then not much is changing. alot of the times it not just the pain, its the inablity to sit up straight to hold myself up, this is what worries me the most. i wonder how tms can cause such feelings of instablity and lack of support. this is what i cant get my head round.
This to shall pass.... |
| Carolyn |
Posted - 06/10/2011 : 07:01:04
Even after menopause, your ovaries produce low levels of hormones- when they are gone- you'll have no hormones and no internal regulation at all. If you go excercise you burn a little more estrogen, notmally your body compensates but with no ovaries on HRT, your body can't adapt and something as small as an extra workout can send you into massive hot flashes. Doctors tell you it's no big deal but it really is so think twice before they convince you they might as well take them out while they are in there.
Carolyn |
| mala |
Posted - 06/10/2011 : 02:03:01
Carolyn thanks for your input. I too find it difficult to journal so I know how you feel.
The knee pain started last year but the SI(?) joint pain is still very much there so it's not like shifting but more like one causing the other.
I am menopausal so I wonder if taking out the ovaries will have any effect on my hormones. Mind you the docs said that the fibroids would shrink after menopause but they havent. I've still got one which is 6cm and a few others so I wonder if I should kkeep the ovaries or not.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| Carolyn |
Posted - 06/09/2011 : 21:49:36
Mala,
Thanks for the advice. I think I come back to the forum to have you all tell me what I already know but don't want to do. I am sure I have been avoiding the journaling because I don't want to face the feelings.
Regarding the SI joint- although I have very little pain and no disability from it, I do have uneven muscle tightness across my low back which I have had for years now. I actually believe it is from trigger points in my quadratus lumborum that hikes my one hip up- that can refer pain to the SI joint also. When the pain started in your knee, did it leave your SI joint? If so, you recognize that pattern. Otherwise, I do think that when muscles are tight, they can cause you to use other muscles differently and that can cause pain or misalignment can wear on the joint. For me the key to knowing when something is TMS is whether I am having an emotional reaction to the issue and starting to think about it all the time. If so, every single time, I have been able to recognize it as TMS and get rid of it.
I had my ovaries and uterus out in two seperate operations. The hysterectomy is a surprisingly major operation that I was slower to recover from than expected but having said that- I don't miss my uterus in the least. No more periods :) and with no uterus pushing on the bladder, you will never have to pee. The only slight downside is that I still am numb in the skin of my lower abdomen which just feels weird. It is having my ovaries out (which was a much more minor procedure) that I regret deeply. I have really not been the same since- despite taking HRT- it is very hard to regulate your hormones from the outside and the tiniest change in routine throws me out of balance and into menopausal hell at too young of an age. So if you need to have your uterus out because of the fibroids, I would ask to keep your ovaries unless there is a real reason to remove them.
Carolyn |
| mala |
Posted - 06/09/2011 : 16:56:55
Carolyn
Sorry to hear about your anxiety & anger. Have you thought about perhaps writing freely about how you feel, perhaps directing your words at your children so that you can get your anger out but without hurting them & your relationship with them. Then after a few days you could reread what you have written from a more calmer perspective. In other words try to read between the lines.That may give you better insight as to what is really bothering you.
I also have a few questions I'd like to ask you.
quote:
Just tell yourself- screw it- how much worse could it get- and go for a brisk walk ignoring the pain and fear- or even a run if you really want to challenge it. If it really did get worse, you could always get the fusion then- but I don't think it is going to. Journal about it and notice especially any inconsistancies- were there times when you had something else bothering you and your back didn't seem as bad. If so- then you know it is TMS for sure
I too have been told that I may have SI joint dysfunction. The left side of my lower back is constantly painful & has moved slightly forward. I have done as you suggested that is ignore the pain and I walk as much as possible. Thing is now the pain is very severe in my left knee and my knee literally rotates inward when I walk. This is not my imagination. I'm beginnning to limp but then I tell myself to walk properly but the knee pain is getting worse. Would it be sensible to challenge it still.
quote:
I had my uterus and ovaries out in an earlier phase of my battle and I regret that more than I can tell you. Just think where you will be if you have the surgery and it does not work! Check out the success rate for that as well.
I had fibroid surgery 10 years ago to remove 7 of them. The largest was 11cm. The result is that my uterus is enlarged and probably quite scarred. They have grown back since and as a result some doctors think that the back pain is worse because of the uterus pulling on the ligaments. Could you pls tell me why you regret having yours removed.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| healingback |
Posted - 06/09/2011 : 14:03:12
thanks carolyn, its been great getting your feed back, and knowing that you to had the same problem and beat it!!!...
im struggling to with the anger, it spills out on some riducoulous things which shouldnt even get my attention, but i think my rage cup is over full... hopefully we can find a way of working put how to pour that rage and anger away.
just think how far youve come and all the things youve beaten so far!
again, you telling me story has been HUGE so thank you :)
This to shall pass.... |
| Carolyn |
Posted - 06/09/2011 : 13:55:54
DON'T rush into a spinal fusion!! When I was having the leavtor ani spasm phase of my TMS I almost has surgery that would have allowed them to cut my anal sphincter to aleviate the pressure until someone on this board told me not to do it. I am so grateful that I did not. I had my uterus and ovaries out in an earlier phase of my battle and I regret that more than I can tell you. Just think where you will be if you have the surgery and it does not work! Check out the success rate for that as well.
You definitely have the TMS personailty and history- interestingly I had dry eyes as part of my background as well. They are still somewhat dry but I'm not obsessed by them anymore so I don't consider it TMS now. I can't remember the details of the SI phase anymore (and you will get to that point too as hard as it seems to believe now). I just remember the instability and trouble walking - and yes it was the SI belt.
Just look at what you wrote "almost like you didnt have the strenghth and support in your back to hold you together " doesn't that sound like emotions talking??? You just don't have the strength to hold your self together??
Just tell yourself- screw it- how much worse could it get- and go for a brisk walk ignoring the pain and fear- or even a run if you really want to challenge it. If it really did get worse, you could always get the fusion then- but I don't think it is going to. Journal about it and notice especially any inconsistancies- were there times when you had something else bothering you and your back didn't seem as bad. If so- then you know it is TMS for sure!
Carolyn |
| healingback |
Posted - 06/09/2011 : 13:20:26
Carolyn, thanks so much for getting back to me, your one of the very few people on here who actually wrote that they were suffering with the joint being to loose and i have so desperately wanting to hear from you personally. i have had 9 sessions of prolotherapy and a probably 40% better to what i was before i started. but with regards to being a tms personality i have suffered in the past with crohns disease, dry eyes, food allergies (which disappeared 3 months before the back pain came on) rsi, im quite a nervous person on the inside but never show it outside, i like to be in control.
can i ask did you have trouble walking for the pain and standing in one place ? i can barely walk for more than 30 mins before my back starts feeling like its breaking apart. also did you feel like sometimes you simply couldnt keep yourself upright,even while sitting ? almost like you didnt have the strenghth and support in your back to hold you together ? i think for me this scares me more than the pain, the cracking and the instability i feel in my si area. was it an si joint belt you meant, rather than the bit of elatic ? ;) - there very attractive arent they ;)
im scared im heading towards a fusion on the physical side of things if i dont sort this soon. did you put through the pain while walking/ standing ? how did you get past the fear of movement when your back was cracking ? sorry for all the questions, your a ike a fallen star ive been waiting for :)
This to shall pass.... |
| Carolyn |
Posted - 06/09/2011 : 12:56:56
Healing Back-
Yes- I was told I had SI joint dysfuction (hypermobility). I was also told many other things over the course of the years I suffered with chronic pain. Once a doctor told me I had something, my syptoms would slowly shift to be consistant with that diagnosis so of course I was convinced. I did not go as far as the prolotherapy because I had found this forum by then but I was walking around with a funny elastic band to keep my hips in place for a while. I was completely convinced that was what I had- my lower back felt so unstable and there was lots of clicking- I was walking around very carefully. My SI joint is totally fine. While I obviously can't say for sure what your situation is, if you know you are TMS-prone and you have anxiety- odds are pretty good that this is just another form of your TMS. The success rate for proltherapy - and all kinds of back surgery for that matter are really very very low. You can read back through my posts about my journey. I have absolutely no pelvic pain anymore and aside from the occassional muscle tightness- no back pain (although almost always when I come here and tell someone I have no pain, I will get a flare later that day - so weird how this TMS works). Anxiety came once I kicked the pain and now this anger is a completely new thing for me. Perhaps it's sticking around because it is something that really bothers me- I don't think of myself as an angry person- so I desperately want to get rid of it. I probably should try to float through it as well but I just don't want to lash out at my kids anymore.
Carolyn |
| Carolyn |
Posted - 06/09/2011 : 12:16:13
I should add that I have been going to therapy a couple of times a month for about the last three years. I like my therapist- she is intellectual and open-minded. I told her about Sarno and she went out and got the books, immediately understood the truth of it and liked the way he presents it. She started recommending it to other patients and would sometimes tell me how much it had helped other people. She is unfortunately about to move out of state and that may have something to do with my increase in anxiety. The prospect of starting the hunt for another therapist I click with is daunting. And yes, drugs seem like the easy way out- although I do know it's better to feel the emotions- it is so much easier to talk the talk than walk the walk when feeling the emotions isn't fun or convenient.
One of the main things that came out of therapy for me is how dysfunctional my family was (big surprise- isn't that what therapy always turns up?). My father was mean and belittling (which I knew was hurtful)and my mother completey passive but pleasant- always the benign smile on her face pretending everything was just great. She never stepped up to protect us and she controlled us by using emotional withdrawl and the silent treatment (which it took several years of therapy for me to realilze how much more damaging that was). I tried to discuss it with her and she has now been pleasantly ignoring me for more than a year- not so much as a phone call.
I do think Dave hit it right on the head about my anger at my children being a symptom of all that dysfunction and maybe it would be better for me to express it but I don't feel like I'm expressing it and getting rid of it- yelling at them makes me feel awful and that just adds more to the anger. But most importantly- what about them? I can't stand the thought that my inconsistant moods and anger will have long lasting affects on them and I don't want them to grow up with angry Mommy. And yes, one of the things that makes me angriest is my child who frequently acts in a way that leaves me feeling embarrassed or else outright points out my shortcomngs to other people. I need to believe I am doing a better job than my parents did but am not so sure.
I just went back and read pg 30 of The Divided Mind- I should remember that the answers are usually in there somewhere. Medication without therapy, I would agree would not be the right solution- I am just wondering if I can do it along with therapy (on my own since I'm losing my therapist) or if the drugs will make it hard to feel the emotions.
Carolyn |
| healingback |
Posted - 06/09/2011 : 12:07:19
Hi Carolyn,
Sorry to hear your struggling with the anger and the anxiety, i dont have alot of answers for you as regards to the anger but with the anxiety which i also suffer with id say the best thing is to "float" with it, dont try and fight it as thats when symptoms just build up even more.
i have actually been waiting for you to come back on this site for quite a year now.
a few of your posts mentioned an unstable si joint (si dysfunction) i have been suffering with this for a year and half to the point where ive had injections in my ligaments to supposedly shrink the ligaments so that they hold the si joint in place again. im really stuggling with even standing, walking is much the same.
i know this is the thing you cured through the tms approach and i would really appreciate you telling me more of your story. where you told your si joint was to loose ? did you have clicking and cracking in your back ? where you in pain when walking and standing ? really need something to cling on to right now.
healingback
This to shall pass.... |
| Dave |
Posted - 06/09/2011 : 11:30:56
Consider that maybe when you lash out in anger, it is a symptom in and of itself.
How does your kids' behavior really affect you deep inside? What are you really angry about? What kind of deep rooted feelings are you pushing down about this? I can only imagine how this must affect you on a very deep level. After all, your kids' behavior is a reflection on your parenting skills, right?
IMO the desire to use antidepressants for the purpose of preventing you from demonstrating anger towards your kids is not healthy. Essentially what you are saying is you want to push down your anxiety rather than deal with it. This is counterintuitive to treating TMS. |
| tennis tom |
Posted - 06/09/2011 : 09:46:21
That's a good question. Page 30 of "THE DIVIDED MIND" has a good discussion of it. Quoting from it, "Treating anxiety or depression with medications without in-depth psychotherapy is poor medicine, and may even be dangerous if the symptom imperative leads to a serious disorder like one of the many autoimmune maladies or cancers."
DR. SARNO'S 12 DAILY REMINDERS:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0dKBFwGR0g
TAKE THE HOLMES-RAHE STRESS TEST
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale
Some of my favorite excerpts from _THE DIVIDED MIND_ :
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2605
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"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." Jiddu Krishnamurti
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