| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
 Posted - 06/29/2006 : 19:05:10
|
Friends,
I just cannot tell you in words how hopeless and depressed I feel right now about my neck TMS. It is now 5 weeks that I am stuck inside and must lay down still alot of the time. Everytime I feel like i am making progress and the pain decreases and/or a little more mobility returns I am set back even further.
All I did yesterday was turn my head too fast and not use my hand to get myself up out of bed by supporting my head. How can i be feeling this bad?? It seems like it some sort of cruel joke or illusion..I mean I was at the gym just 5 weeks ago! How can this be??
Part of me just wants to fling my head back and just go for a jog! Of course, I know that would be a very bad idea considering walking fast is tough...I had to lay down in bed alot today because of the neck, left arm pain and tingling in both hands and arms..Just too many symptoms at once and then a little bit of nausea on top of it, probalby just getting scared about the pains, neuro symptoms, etc. THere is this spot on my upper left arm on the outside that hurt back in 1995 after the card accident when i first found out i had herniated discs in my neck..
But, i didn't have a car accident or anything violent, i just bent over to pick up an ice pack off my knee, 5 weeks ago and ALL OF THIS?? My knees are doing well but the neck is worse then the knee ever way and more disabling.
I am also PMSing on top of it and that is probably adding to my feelings of hopelessnes..I want to be well enough to help others on here instead of posting for help myself so much..I just feel so desperate right now..I am doing the work, the reading, the journaling, the phone sessions w/ Don Dubin...I even called Dr. Schecter today..what else can i do? I know RELAX but how when the pain is so unbearable i just want to give up. |
|
|
Carolyn
184 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2006 : 19:18:57
|
quote:
Part of me just wants to fling my head back and just go for a jog! Of course, I know that would be a very bad idea considering walking fast is tough
That shows that you haven't really embraced the fact that there is nothing wrong with your neck. Just do it- decide that you are not going to let your TMS control you and go for a run (or at least a brisk walk)- run into the pain not away from it! Go do it and see what happens. We are all here to support you- living proof that TMS is real and it can be defeated. Your posts show that you are still obsessing over the physical symptom- as long as you do that you sill not get better. |
 |
|
|
Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2006 : 19:29:30
|
| Thanx Carolyn, I so appreciate your reply...It is very hard to ignore extreme pain as i am sure you know...I am going to go for a 15 min walk as soon as a friend arrives to go with me...I still have to put ear plugs in when i walk because sudden noises startle me and cause the neck to tighten even more..But i don't think i will risk this all getting worse by going for a jog..I don't know how much more i can take and it usually gets progressively worse at night.. |
|
|
|
drziggles
USA
292 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2006 : 19:47:06
|
As carolyn mentioned, a big problem is your fixation on the physical, for example:
"when i first found out i had herniated discs in my neck".
As long as you believe this is the cause of the pain, you will never get better. As long as you believe that the way you are moving and acting is causing your pain, you will never get better.
And once again, calling different people and reading different books and posting here is not going to solve your problem! The answer lies within--you have to do it. No one else can do it for you! I know it's not easy, but that's the way it is. Every time the pain gets worse, you have to think about the emotional issues that are causing the pain--refocus your attention. Every single time. You clearly still have to access the unconscious stuff that is causing this, and there is a part of you that does not want this to happen. All of this distraction, the pain and the books and the obsessing over here, is keeping you from doing this.
Good luck. |
|
|
|
chicago
85 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2006 : 20:44:04
|
| Hang in there! I find that when I'm in the middle of a pain episode and it doesn't resolve quickly I panic and become very fearful. I have become hypersensitive to any unusal sensations in my body and if I don't calm myself down and redirect my thoughts I start fearing and the pain strikes. So try to hang in there, ask your self what are you feeling emotionally and tell yourself this too will pass. I try to do this but I'm not allways successful. I often get caught up in the pain and fear. Boy I wish TMS was like a broken arm, cast it wait six weeks and your cured. Unfortunately it isn't, ther's alot of hard work to do. |
|
|
|
Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2006 : 20:54:31
|
DrZiggles,
Appreciate your honesty and advice. I really am trying, maybe too hard...As for the obsessing, well...hasn't there been a time in your TMS history where you were just desperate from the pain and reaching out too? And maybe there was also a time where you weren't quite sure it wasn't structural...I say this because I found your reply a little harsh, although I am sure well meaning...No one likes to be told, in essense, that they are being a bit of an obsessive nut. One can never understand another persons pain without being in their shoes directly..I am reaching out also because the pain coupled with the loneliness here in Vegas is just too much to bare right now...It is very acute and I am doing my best. I have no family here and only a few close friends..I am stuck inside (cabin fever) and going a bit crazy because it has been 5 weeks already...
It is sort of embarassing to hear you use the word obsessive...probably because there is some truth to it, I own that...However, i have met some wonderfully caring and intelligent people on here and I am developing friendships with a few...I am sure I will calm down with the posting once i have just a little bit of relief...I am doing the inner work, even spending money I, as a struggling artist, do not have on counselling w/ an expert in TMS..I am very serious about getting better...
Chicago,
Thanx for your caring and empathetic reply...Makes me feel less alone in all of this.. |
|
|
|
miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2006 : 21:15:52
|
S_A: Carolyn's suggestion is a good one.
Another thing you might try in parallel is to share something emotional that you think might be related to your TMS symptoms. I know this is a public forum and you may feel that you are stepping over a boundary so it's understandable if you want to pass up on the idea. I suggest this because i've done this a lot on this forum and have found it quite helpful to connect with feelings. There is something about this virtual audience that the unconscious senses and you may be able to connect with yourself in a way that you didn't think possible. It may be another way to take you off the physical distraction that is TMS and undermine the symptoms by focusing psychologically. |
|
|
|
Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2006 : 21:38:50
|
Thanx Miehnesor,
You have given me very good advice and I really appreciate it...I think I have done a bit of what you suggested from time to time already..but perhaps not enough. At this point I am starting to feel uncomfortable posting anything because the word 'obsessive' has been used more then once to describe my behavior..And being a goodist, I hate to do anything 'wrong' or to upset or annoy people...
In any case, probably the thing that weighs the heaviest on me is my lack of family..Both parents died 16 years ago, they were way too young to die. I changed my life. My mom was my best friend and greatest fan. She used to follow my band around even. THey died 5 months apart and i never really recovered all the way. I attribute that to very little family support from the extended family and my older and only sister not being close..It has always been a very imbalanced relationship..me giving her taking. She doesn't even know, back in NJ, the condition I am truly in here in LV. I never married, no children...so i am not a daughter, not a mother, not a wife, etc. I feel very alone on the planet..and if it weren't for God/Jesus, my dear friends and a couple of cousins...and of course my 2 dogs, i don't even know that i would still be here...
5 friends in 6 years passed away prematurely as well..So many, even most of my closest people are no longer with us...I feel totally trapped here in Vegas because now I am broke and cannot move back to NJ if i was able to physically...I normally sing full time, sell my art and teach voice part time..Now i am solely relying on art sales and most of them are to out of state/country people..There is little culture in Vegas, although i have a big showing in the largest library here soon..I have to be well for that or i won't be at my own wine and cheese opening...
Just b4 the onset of this terrible acute attack to my neck, 5 weeks ago..I was very stressed about money, feeling stuck here and an older cousin i called to see if i could potentially be her roomie when i first move back to NJ, if i did..She said she has lived alone for 33 yrs and just can't live with another person..The story of my life in my family since my folks died...Rejection and more rejection..So i feel Lost, Scared, Angry, Guilty and deeply sad...Although when i am able to work out and do my normal life, I put on a great front and my friends love to be around me..Normally i am very upbeat and fun loving...I could say more but the neck is getting worse the more i type..thanx for listening..ANy thoughts you have as to whether i have gone deep enough would be greatly appreciated..Sometimes i feel like i don't know how to go VERY DEEP inside..I am just so used to wearing masks, having been an entertainer my whole life and always wanting to make others have fun... |
|
|
|
FlyByNight
Canada
209 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2006 : 09:13:46
|
Signer
Our stories are 90% similar so let me share my recovery road with you.
its been 10 months since it all started with a very very very mild hit in the neck while playing hockey and ironically when I was very concerned about closing my company, money issues, family issues, new child to come, etc etc. symtoms started to appear: neck spasms, tinnitus, neuro symptoms, vertigo, tingling in the arms, legs, impossible to turn my neck without starting neuro pain in my head, chest, and neck. symtoms worsened with PT and chiro.
I went to multiple MRI, etc. mostly normal stuff then started TMS work. Here is my personal TMS cure blend (hope it will help you)
1-started reading TMS books ('the Back sense' TMS book was the most inspiring to me to convince me that nothing was structurally wrong)
2-listening every night to the Monte Hueftle audio programs (this helped a lot at kepping me focused on the real work)
3- after 2 months, start journaling despite the pain but without becoming obsessive about it (which was a challenge because of my obsessive personnality)
4- forcing me to think emotional each time I had pain (Monte Hueftle gives some advices to do this properly)
5- forcing me to jog regularly (every 2 days for at least 5 miles) despite the HUUUUUUUUUUUGE pain.
6-Psychanalytic therapy once a week for the last 10 months
ok NOW here where I am
-Neck still stiff and with some level of spasms
-Still in constant background pain but less
-No neuro symtoms anymore (major improvement to me)
-less tinnitus, but some level of noise is still there
-Less TMJ crackling
-Less neck crackling
-Less obsessive at testing if symtoms are still there...
-Overall, I'd say I am 50% better compared what I was
I am not back to normal yet and still not satisfied (look how self critical I still am, hehe), but I do not want to give up.
I am the kind of person who think that TMS is not everything and I am not religious about it. For instance, in my modest opinion, it does not mean that you cannot have real structural underlying damage. The question should rather be formulated as whether any existing structural defect can explain your pain or not. We know herniating discs can't for instance.
I see TMS is like water infiltrating every single small crack... taking any small opportunity to root itself, no matter if there is structural damage or not. I see TMS as a part of human nature, something that we all have to various levels.
So there is no question in my mind about the need to confront it and deal with it. You surely must do it if you want to get better because if you experience chronic lasting pain, I am 100% sure TMS is at least one of the significant contributing factor.
The first step is that you must accept that the road is a tought and long one... It really is ... be sure that I felt discouraged many times in the last 10 months. But there is a reason why your brain is putting into this, and it will take TIME to deconstruct the strategy. Accepting the length of the process was the hardest thing to me ...
I am no one to give you advices, but feel free to ask me any question and to read my previous posts if you feel it could help you.
P.
|
Edited by - FlyByNight on 06/30/2006 09:41:08 |
|
|
|
Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2006 : 10:07:05
|
FLybyNight,
Wow, Thank you so much for taking the time to share your road to recovery with me! It really has helped alot...I will be reading it again and looking into those Monte tapes, at some point. You have such a great attitude and your patience with this is inspirational to me as well...I am impatient by nature and want to be better NOW! But I realize i have to chill out and let go and allow the process to happen...with alot of work on my part as well...I would much rather be painting or singing, however...looks like this is what I am forced to be doing for now...Thanx again, I am very grateful to you! Who is the author of that book you mentioned, I never heard of that one? And is your psychotherapist a TMS therapist?
God bless!  |
|
|
|
Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2006 : 10:10:08
|
CJB,
Thanx for your feedback, fellow artist/musician...i do appreciate it..I was a little defensive, yes,,,but if you re-read my post I also owned that i have an obsessive side and I told DrZ that I knew he/she meant to help...You are right, any amount of over sensitivity or defensiveness is probably just another distraction...And if i wanted to, I could start to feel all guilty about my defensiveness with someone who was just trying to help me..I have to not allow myself to do that it won't help me..just more stress...I know he/she was trying to help, i really do...I guess I just needed a little more warmth included in the constructive criticism because I am feeling like total sh*t right now and at the end of my rope...God bless! |
|
|
|
Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2006 : 10:14:36
|
CJB,
Oh my goodness, I didn't see your second post to me, thank you so much...Fantastic advice, indeed! I already do work part time, btw...My voice students have to come to my house now cuz of the neck TMS and my not being able to drive to the music school where i teach...thanx again dear friend!
YES YES YES FAITH IS A BIG ONE FOR ME! It took me a long time to fully believe in God/Jesus..I was agnostic for years in fact...I do need tohave faith in this recovery process you are soooooo right! |
|
|
|
FlyByNight
Canada
209 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2006 : 12:54:30
|
Signer
My therapist is not a TMS therapist, but he embrases TMS concepts .
Do not be fooled by what you believe my 'good attitude' is. I have very bad moments, just like you ...
I tell you, the tapes are helping (www.runningpain.com).
go to www.backsense.org for the book (or Amazon.com)
One of the most important findings I made that year was how muscle spasms pain in the neck can mimic articular/vertebral dysfunction, restriction, crackling, popping, joint pain... all that stuff can be triggered by muscles... if you fear your cervical spine is damaged, just press the 'delete' button in your mind... just believe that muscle pain can take different form and 'look' articular... Of course its the vertebra that are popping, not the muscle, but the cause of the vertebra tilt is indeed muscle spasms , not misalignment or something like that....
P.
|
|
|
|
miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2006 : 13:18:55
|
quote:
Originally posted by Singer_Artist
..Sometimes i feel like i don't know how to go VERY DEEP inside..I am just so used to wearing masks, having been an entertainer my whole life and always wanting to make others have fun...
This is something that takes practice and time to make progress but I can assure you that you will make progress if you keep at it.
Consider that there is a angry, scared, sad child inside of yourself that has been ignored for a long time and resolve to take care of that childs feelings. Now also consider that you the adult has the power to comfort that child and accept and love that child for ALL of her feelings - even the ones that society considers unacceptable. Over time your true self will start to emerge. Even though you don't have much family there is one person that the child within you will never lose- you the adult. Open yourself- the adult you- to learn from the child and be loving and patient with the child.
From my experience it was the rage wrt parents that was the TMS culprit and it took a long time to realize and feel that rage. Now having said that I do not blame them for what happened to me and truly believe that they did the best that they possibly could. However it is the child and his feelings that he harbored that needed and continue to need to be felt to bring the symptoms down.
Hope this helps. It's hard when you are in the middle of it to see that it will get better but stick with the process and notice the little improvements along the way. |
|
|
|
tennis tom
USA
4746 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2006 : 13:30:07
|
S_A,
If you have a church you are a member of, ask them for help. I think we lose sight of the fact that that is one of the major functions that churches and other religious institutions are here for and why they are accorded their non-profit status. I know of a lady who has had problems, and her church has helped her pay her mortgage payments her medical bills and a slew of other expenses.
There's no reason you can't ask yours or any church for help. There are volunteers who are there to do that and WANT to do that. They could help you with household chores, meals, transportation, and financially. Maybe even help pay for Don Dubin's fees, and the money to move back to New Jersey.
Just like asking for your records from Dr. Schechter's office, don't be shy to ask for help from a church. That's their JOB. And if their's any time you needed it, it is now. It sounds like you have been generous and helpful to other's in need--it's your turn. If one church can't help you try others.
|
|
|
|
Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2006 : 14:03:22
|
Hi TT,
I have tried that and the only help I got so far was from a wonderful elderly priest who gave me 100 dollars as a gift to help me out...I still have to write to the Pastor at one other church i go to...It's a great suggestion, but here in LV i don't thing as common as it is in other states..One of the main reasons I can't take living here anymore...I also have a 2nd or 3rd cousin in NJ who is a Monseignor (sp) (higher than priest) but i haven't been able to find him yet...I have his address that i got from my Priest but i am reluctant to ask for his help because family almost ALWAYS lets me down..part of why i have TMS in the first place...Thanx TT... |
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
feeling like giving up
