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yogurtbacteria
USA
10 Posts |
 Posted - 04/21/2007 : 13:13:02
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I had somewhat of an epiphany this morning, and as I finished writing the journal entry, I thought it was probably the kind of thing that would apply to a lot of people suffering from TMS, so I decided to post it here. Hope it's helpful.
April 21, 2007:
"I think I’ve hit on something. I have a very, very strong desire to be useful. And I’m pretty sure I want to be useful because feeling like I am useful gives me a simple, comprehendible, tangible reason why people like me, love me, or want to hang out with me. Socially, I try very hard to contribute to conversations—I try to be funny, insightful, sensitive, comfortable, and to empathize (and I’m probably very fortunate that I’m pretty natural at all those things, or my self-esteem would probably be much worse). In relationships, I try very, very hard to be supportive and understanding and, if I don’t check myself, to conform to whatever is needed by the other person. I think there is probably a strong relationship between this desire to be useful and my attitude toward school and classes also. I like to appear a good student. I gave up cheating after high school, but I still try to look as though I’m understanding things or doing the readings when I’m not (though I think most people do this…though perhaps most people do all of what I’m talking about).
I think this desire to be useful is an enormous factor in my habit of acquiescing to the desires of others as much as I do. Along with desiring to be useful, I also desire not to be un-useful, which means I try not to impede others’ lives by causing mine to stand in the way. I think this is an enormous part of the reason why I find it so hard to speak up about things that bother me, like when some of my friends' humor gets to be more physical than I like and I don't mention anything.
I want to be more focused on me and less on others. Right now, the desire to be useful is particularly strong, because I’ve been making a transition from one social environment (the one that revolved around my now ex-girlfiend) to another (the people I live around at college). I feel that the best way to make people to want me around is to contribute to conversations and activities in general, which is probably why I’ve had this drive to do social things, even if my time would probably be better spent doing something else. Whether the social thing is just hanging out, or an event of some kind, I generally feel an uncomfortable pull toward doing it. It is a mental pull connoting that I “should” do it, because it’s social and if I want to be in their social group, I ought to, need to do the social things they do, and not miss out on any of them. I should stop that.
I should stop this. I am a worthwhile person and that is the most important thing in being with people. I don’t need to try to be what is needed. In fact, trying to be what is needed will most likely, in the long run, make me less desirable as a person to hang out with. Genuine people—the kind of people I want to end up hanging out with—will want to hang out with a genuine me, not a me who is trying to be whatever me fits them best.
This also applies to how much I hang out with people. I should shut up that drive that pushes me to hang out more, just shut it up. And hang out when I genuinely want it. And be me." |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 04/22/2007 : 13:11:20
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Yep, this sounds really familiar to me!
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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wharrison
USA
15 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2007 : 05:30:22
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This is very interesting.
I read an Amy Tan book once and she described herself as the World's Greatest Collaborator. I sometimes feel like this. I focus so hard on making other's lives easier, I forget my own.
From what Sarno and Art Brownstein say, this may be one of my big problems.
I imagine I need to do some soul searching and find out what I really want out of life and push for that. It is tough when you have interests in almost everything. I think I just need to pick and stick to my direction and defending it to stay out of TMS problems....
Just thinking out loud
Thanks for the thoughts.
Will |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2007 : 05:38:09
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quote:
Originally posted by yogurtbacteria
I have a very, very strong desire to be useful.
It sounds to me you are a classic goodist. Always wanting to please others. As you know from reading Sarno those with goodist personality traits are susceptible to TMS. You may want to go back and read those sections in Sarno that talk about goodism in the light of what you have written. In my opinion, the very fact you posted this to share with others is a manifestation of your goodism.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2007 : 08:14:51
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you can please others by merely being a "listener" in the conversation as opposed to pressuring yourself to contribute. There are plenty (too much) of people who just want an audience.
Want to feel real useful? purchase a pickup truck...friends will come out of the woodwork....the ones that need things moved anyways |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2007 : 09:31:52
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Very interesting. I also can completely identify with this "people pleasing" way of living. Ultimately, it is a form of dishonesty but I have found it is just a survival technique I learned to adopt when very young. It is in therapy over the last 2 months that I discovered the root of it. when my dad left my mother when I was 11, I discovered that the way to keep him in my life was by learning to say and do exactly what he wanted. Also, my mother, who was completely devestated by the divorce, needed alot of attention and care. I became very good at caring for her and my siblings. I learnt to be a master at reading a person and giving them exactly what they want - why - because then I wuold be loved and not alone.
My mother insisted that my dad left us children as much as her because he was "bored" of us. This was simply because she could not handle the thought that he left her and only her. It was the only way she could go on. I learnt, growing up, that Dad did not love me and I assumed it was becuase I am not good enough in some way. It was not helped when my Dad wrote a letter to me in boarding school when I was 13 that he thought it best not to see me until I was 18 because it was all too difficult. I was devestated and horrified and wrote a letter back telling him to do no such thing. I remember being desperately worried about my brother and sister losing contact with my Dad. From that moment on, i learnt to do anythign to keep my dad interested in me and at teh same time, make sure that my Mother was also ok by criticizing Dad when i was with her.
Anyway - all of this has come out in therapy and explains why I behave like I do in close relationships - especially with boyfriends. I put their needs first, often at the expense of my own. For some reason, knowing this is very very helpful. It has been painful to discuss this and I am experiencing some anger towards my mother which is really good - that will move on to forgiveness.
Therapy is a new thing for me - i wanted to knock the TMS on the head and decided to go once a week for a while.
This has been my experience of the "goodist" in me. I like knowing its origin. Just being aware, seems to be the first step now in catching myself when I do it. Relationships are more honest if one expresses what one needs. Otherwise, I choose boyfriends who tend to be self centered and controlling. My last relationship was along these lines and when it ended in February, I decided to go to therapy. All of this not expressing what one wants and people pleasing of course comes from low self esteem and not thinking one is good enough. |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2007 : 11:18:22
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Wow Suz that is a lot of progress in such a short period of time. This kind of in depth understanding of why you act the way you do as an adult must be very gratifying as it explains an awful lot. It is the best way to break the cycle of unhealthy adult relationships.
I'm curious whether this has helped your TMS symptoms. |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2007 : 11:30:16
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The therapist came highly recommended to me from a friend. She is an expert in Inner Child work - the work recommended by Sarno to heal TMS. I have no back symptoms at all. Also, my insomnia has lifted for now. I feel very liberated. I still have an issue with my skin breaking out. I don't know if that is TMS or not. I am on the fence there.
I am finding it very liberating allowing myself to cry as well. I went through a terrible break up - my heart was broken. I find that I cannot deal well with uncomfortable feelings and also discovered that I am very judgemental of myself. I learnt in therapy that I am very critical of myself when I get upset - as if I have to be happy all the time otherwise I cannot cope. This is part of my perfectionism. The break up allowed myself to explore some very uncomfortable stuff and I am strangely greatful. I would not wish to g through that sort of mental torment again but it did uncover alot of my pattersn of thinking and behaving.
I seem to be comign out the other end now. At least - i am not crying every day. it was hard to let myself cry and be angry. I kept trying to stop myself but the therapist encouraged me to continue on.
I also have to add that I have a spiritual component to my TMS work in that when the therapist discussed something or revealed something about my past, I went away and spent the week pondering and praying about it. This also helped - at least it made me focus well |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2007 : 11:49:56
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Thanks for posting that, Suz. I appreciate seeing how things are working out for other people in therapy. I hope I can find the origins of my goodism too.
It's awful that your mom said that your dad left all of you. Who knows why he left but regardless it's an awful thing to say. Amazing what parents will do to their kids to reduce their own pain.
ETA: BTW, yogurtb, I hope you're able to find some good friends at college. I had a hard time finding friends in college and some of the "friends" I found turned out not to be very good friends to me after all, but I got caught up with them because I admired them and they were interesting. You'll meet a lot of people who seem really cool and smart, probably, so something to be aware of that if you feel you need to feel useful you might end up with people who, while they seem cool and have some genuinely neat qualities, will use you and your interests and desires in whatever way suits them, not in a way that suits you. Just food for thought. If I'd been more aware at the time like you are now, I could have gotten away from those people sooner and found people I could connect with more genuinely.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
Edited by - armchairlinguist on 04/27/2007 11:56:12 |
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Sharing a Journaling Epiphany
