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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
 Posted - 06/26/2006 : 19:26:11
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Well friends I had my first phone session today with TMS therapist Don Dubin..I saw him for 2 sessions years ago in person...He is excellent and gets right to the core issues..Interestingly, as we spoke about my childhood and lack of family support in general the pain increased in my neck and left hand..We discovered that I have felt unacceptable in my own family...I always knew i was the black sheep being a musician and artist, but this was deeper...Now I have this low level of sadness and the neck is as tight as ever...I told him my worries about atrophied muscles in my neck since it can hardly move, especially looking up..He assured me that Dr. S. says there is no atrophy and as we uncover the deeper emotions in the unconscious things will just loosen...I sooo hope he is right...I am feeling just sad and scared right now...Don't get me wrong, he is great..and I do think he can help me..But..money is an issue too and I don't know if i will ultimately be able to afford the number of sessions i probably really need...There was abuse and alcoholism in my family and my parents had a bad divorce in my late teens...We did cover alot already, but i feel we were just setting the stage for so much more...And i have to tell myself to stop worrying that the pain is going to get much worse first b4 it gets better...I am soooo limited in what i can do and sooooo sick of being stuck in the house and dependent on friends to shop, cook, turn on my shower etc...This Weds. and Thurs. my roomie is going away on business again and this time i am not sure i will be able to find someone to stay here with me...I do not want to sleep here alone for two nights in this condition...I continue to read Fred Amirs book and continue to pray for my healing...Hope to hear back from some of you...it helps so much...God bless!
Karen |
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Susie
USA
319 Posts |
Posted - 06/26/2006 : 20:10:12
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| Karen, I don't know if this will help but here goes. I have heard your panic and desperation during the last week. I feel as if you are looking for a "silver bullet" to alleviate your misery. A pill that will turn things around. It just doesn't work that way. For most of us it is a slow,gradual process. I can hear you holding on like waiting for your session today with Dubin as if you would recover after your call, that Dubin would say something that would make your mind snap your neck into place. I think you are making progress. I hear a little less fear in your posts. It sounds as if you have alot of major issues to work thru. You have made several steps in the right direction but you are pushing to hard. Give yourself permission to take the time to heal. The board is filled with people questioning "how long does it take?" I think in your case, rushing things will cause you dissapointment. You are in such a hurry to get where you are going that you haven't looked back to see where you've been. You are now walking and have been to the gym. That's fantastic. Give yourself some credit. This is great advice coming from me because I am always in a hurry. Ha! Others have suggested this but if I may reiterate, when you start to think about your neck shift your focus to the psychological. It is imperative. It is hard to do at first but it really becomes second nature after a while. Try to take all the energy you are expending in worry and start writing things down. Journaling helped me so much. Fear is your biggest enemy. When you finally accept that your brain is doing this to you, you will quit worrying about your body and begin to do the real work. Best to you. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/26/2006 : 21:33:27
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Thank you Susie,,,very insightful and encouraging reply...I appreciate it so much...I hear what you are saying and you are right...I am looking for that magic quick fix...It is because this staying home all the time, etc. etc. is now starting to drive me nuts! Cabin fever has set in big time...I don't know when i will be up to the gym again, because of the coughing set back this weekend..But i am walking 15 minutes a day around the neighborhood..I still can't drive or function normally..and i still can't move my neck much at all...I have zero range of motion looking up and it is just so uncomfortable..I don't know what is worse the mobility issues or the pain and neuro symtoms...To answer my own question...i am sure that the deep down emotional pain is worse then it all..Probably exactly why my body is doing what it can to distract me...I do have to start journaling..I am doing all else but that..It's hard to type, write, read, etc...everything brings more tension to the neck muscles but i have to try..Thanx for the reminder... |
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redskater
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 06/27/2006 : 11:43:42
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take Fred's advice and just get up and do it! That's what it took for me to recover. I was in pain but I just kept reminding myself that it was not harmful, painful yes, but NOT HARMFUL! I went from being an invalid to back to coaching ice skaters in 6 mos. Now almost a year later I am back full time and if I get a twinge of pain, I try and ignore it and it ALWAYS goes away. You have to get past being afraid and take your life back. it's the only way. Don't buy into all the stuff your brain is pulling on you.
Good luck.
Gaye
Gaye |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/27/2006 : 12:11:55
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| Thanx Gaye! Appreciate your thoughts and encouraging words..I am trying, believe me...But when the pain increasing after pushing too hard it just scares me into believing that maybe I do have something wrong physically..Then I find myself at square one again..I know the first thing we must do is repudiate the structural diagnosis..So I am pressing on and working on all steps at once...I am walking 15 minutes a day, but driving to the gym is tough because I cannot turn my neck enough to drive safely when making turns...I love to hear about others' success stories..so thanks again for sharing with me! |
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ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 06/27/2006 : 14:23:16
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Hey there Karen,
Hope you are doing well. I just got back in town after a trip, so I haven't been at the board for a while.
I think you have definitely made progress over the last few weeks. Don't be sad when recovery seems to take longer than you thought. Compare yourself to when you were at your worst, and surely you will see some things have improved :)
About your journalling...I know you feel typing and writing tend to make things worse. Just thought I would share the following with you. I had the same trouble with typing and writing. 10 minutes after i would write something my shoulders would start to ache, and hands would go numb. The ache would last for a day, until i woke up the next morning. The night I first came across Sarno, I had downloaded the audio version of Healing Back Pain, and started listening to it ('cause at the time, reading was painful to my neck too). I got so excited when he started saying the things I had suspected all along...that my pain was due to emotions, stress etc, and started explaining the mechanism behind it. before he even got to the parts about journalling, he lists some of the stresses that his patients were undergoing. I grabbed pen and paper and furiously started listing things which had angered me and had been festering for years and years. I happened to be alone in the house,so I also started listing the things I am ashamed and embarrassed about, like abuse which happened as a teenager, but which I think I may have encouraged. My God, it felt so good to be 'saying' these things, and I couldn't stop...I didn't even think about pain in my arms. And you know what, my arms didn't feel terrible after I was done, and I must have written continuously for more than an hour.
I've been journalling pretty regularly, though nowadays, its harder to come up with very sad stuff. Something which helps me open up is listening to music that makes me sad (I make sure I am alone), I start crying and then I just think about sad stuff I remember, and soon more stuff comes up which I have sometimes thought I had completely forgotten. So you could try thinking about things which you know make you sad and go from there. You can even think of it as a prep for getting things out which you can discuss with the dr. later.
please, please do the journalling, and try not to worry about your neck and arms...they may hurt a bit, but remember, you're not doing any damage.
take care,
ndb
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Edited by - ndb on 06/27/2006 14:25:53 |
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ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 06/27/2006 : 14:28:34
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quote:
Originally posted by Singer_Artist
Interestingly, as we spoke about my childhood and lack of family support in general the pain increased in my neck and left hand
That is a good sign, that you are getting to the repressed feelings which your body is trying to suppress!
ndb |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/27/2006 : 17:48:16
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Thanx NDB, always love your replies,they help so much! Wish you lived in Vegas! Interestingly I am having a rough afternoon..I just finished teaching a half hour voice lesson out of my home because i still cannot drive to the studio where i teach part time...The student is working on a record deal, he is 20..It kicked up some stuff for me about how time is ticking and i still have my dreams! I have lost so much time due to this TMS and it is so sad. I have not been able to sing live for over 3 yrs because of either neck or knee...I miss it terribly...I want to start painting again too, haven't in one month because of the neck...I just am trying to find a balance between trying to push myself a little more to move past the pain and not overdoing it and being set back..I tried to look up and things locked down more..I tried to get up out of bed without supporting my neck with my hand and my whole head felt shakey...That scares me because i start to worry again about atrophied muscles..And yet, Don Dubin said don't worry about that..it ischemic? Not sure what that means...He says alot of his patients worry about atrophy and once the emotions are dealt with, things just start moving better...Journaling..YES i do need to start that like NOW..I am procrastinating because i am afraid it will irritate the muscles, etc..Gonna go try right now and see if i can get past the fear...THe cabin fever is really driving me nuts too..I just want to go have fun and get out again..The gym this weekend was great..but i don't feel up to trying again just yet...And all i did was lower body..Enough complaining..Just filling you in and I do realize i am making progress..Thanks for reminding me! Hope you are doing great... |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2006 : 11:40:42
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Karen,
Ischemia means a lack of blood flow. It is just the technical term for what Sarno says: the muscles don't work so well, and feel painful and stiff, because they are experiencing oxygen deprivation (due to lack of bloodflow). That oxygen deprivation is temporary and HARMLESS! :-)
What ndb said about looking at your progress is so important. I did the Schechter workbook and just was reviewing my entries and although I am not 100% pain-free now, I could see that yes, I have even gotten better since starting the workbook, which I did when I was already much better than when I first started the method. You have made so much progress -- your pain is moving around, you are getting out and doing a little stuff, you sound calmer and a bit more confident, you are more aware of the many issues that are creating pain and rage for you. Congratulate yourself on that and use your progress as fuel for greater confidence moving forward!
It sounds like you are concerned about not having enough time with Dr Dubin. Maybe there is a support group you can find at a clinic or hospital, something like that, where you can do some more digging with guidance but without such an expense.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2006 : 12:08:34
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quote:
Originally posted by ndb
quote:
Originally posted by Singer_Artist
Interestingly, as we spoke about my childhood and lack of family support in general the pain increased in my neck and left hand
That is a good sign, that you are getting to the repressed feelings which your body is trying to suppress!
ndb
I agree totally with ndb! This would be a good place to start wrt your journaling.
I have proceeded with my TMS work by following the feelings. What I mean by that is notice any feelings that come up in your journaling. Those feelings tell you that you that you have made contact with yourself and that more attention is needed in that direction. They are an excellent guide to healing TMS.
Also pay particular attention to any feelings of anger that come up. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2006 : 12:13:19
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| Thank you so much ACL...I am so glad you have made alot of progress, that is fantastic and does inspire me a great deal...I wish I could find a TMS support group here in Vegas...Better yet, I wish I had the finances and was healed enough to just MOVE BACK HOME TO NEW JERSEY! OMG, I am so home sick I could scream...Although my parents died 16 yrs ago, I still have my neices and nephews and alot of good friends back there...I haven't been there in 3 yrs almost, due to TMS on and off and money issues..The feeling of being trapped here is what was going on just b4 this particular TMS attack...I am having another phone session on Thurs. with Don Dubin..Looking forward to it..Still haven't taken everyones advice and started journaling yet...I think it is because i am trying to do everything perfectly! I am still reading AMir's book and the Divided Mind...Anyway..I am going to try again to journal later today...I know it will help...Your posts help me so very much...I wish we lived closer and could hang out to support each other in getting over this 100 percent..Guess i should be just grateful that we have this wonderful forum...Thanks again dear friend! |
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Susie
USA
319 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2006 : 13:21:23
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| Karen, some amateur advice on journaling. All I did was start writing in a stream of conscious manner for about 15 minutes several times a day. I just wrote down whatever came into my head. I was amazed at where my pen took me. I spewed stuff that I had no idea was inside and that is where I found the anger because I really didn't think up to then that I had any. Possibly you are afraid of what you might find but isn't that all the more reason to begin? Just take a few minutes and start the process. When you run dry just stop and begin again tomorrow. I have found that if I get really really angry, I will begin journaling before any symptoms appear and I will then usually not have any. It seems to work as a preventative for me. |
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tennis tom
USA
4746 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2006 : 13:24:02
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Hi S_A,
Just a quickie. DON'T start fretting about NOT journaling! It will only add to the feeling of having the world's weight on your shoulders. I feel, posting here is a form of journaling.
I have had two neck "things" over the years--both of which are 100 % PERFECTLY HEALED now . One was a sports injury, with maybe a 15% TMS component, cured through rest for a couple of weeks and neck traction rx'ed by a neurologist on the dire warning that if I didn't follow instructions, he would be seeing me for surgery. This was prior to my discovering Sarno. Traction is now rapidly loseing favor.
The other neck thing was, I just woke up with a sore neck one morning and I couldn't move it. Your typical "slept wrong" injury. I didn't fret it and it went away on it's own after three days. I don't know if there were any TMS emotional issues invloved.
So, in all likely-hood, your's is TMS also. The problem is the FEAR that you will do DAMAGE by moving it. As Sarno and others have said, the spine is VERY strong and you can NOT damage it by normal actions. So return to NORMAL behavior gingerly, until you decondition your TMS fear factor. |
Edited by - tennis tom on 06/28/2006 13:34:16 |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2006 : 13:39:40
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Susie,
Thanx for the advice on journaling...Especially the part about writing immediately when we feel angry, even in the present day...I believe that will help..I actually did feel alittle annoyed with someone earlier today and right away it went straight to my neck, clamping down even more on the right side...very frustrating..I wish i would have read your post here first and just started writing immediately..maybe that would have stopped more tightness from setting in...Thanx again~
TT,
Appreciate your sharing about your neck, esp. the part about traction losing favor...I heard the same thing and really i shouldn't consider doing that becuase that will just reinforce to my brain that there is a structural issue...Your posts do serve to remind me to RELAX and take a deep breathe about all of this..Thank you for that! |
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Kristin
98 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2006 : 21:22:50
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I am also a veteran of neck pain and praise the day I first read Sarno's book. Internalize, internalize, internalize the message in each and every book you have of his. Read and accept. It's almost religious. But for me there's a caveat. I have employed, in the past, certain pain reducing therapies to get by. All the while knowing where the source of the pain is, my own stress and underlying repression of feelings that my "ego" perceives as a threat. Against the advice of many here, I needed pain relief but accepted it as plecebo. It does not work for everyone. It has although been two years since I've been to chiropractor or message therapist. The danger being in those therapies that it encourages us to think physical.
One of my favorite tools presently, is to identify generally what emotion, feeling or memory is associated with what pain. It may not be the original or underlying cause of the pain, but if I acknowledge some connection, it can gradually or suddenly cease. I think it's about accepting the psychological whether or not it's completely unconsciousness or not. Once identified, I see it, acknowledge it, accept it, and move on.Perhaps deeper work will be needed later. For now, I will live knowing, that I have the ability to outsmart how TMS works.
Singer Artist you seem tightly wound and almost frantic. I know one thing that has helped me is yogic based meditation and some buddhist philosophy. Many of the ideas of acceptance seem consistent and have enhanced my willingness to see things in a new way.
I wish you peace and good luck in your healing. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2006 : 21:30:07
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Hi Kristen,
Thanx for your reply...Normally i am not at all tightly wound I assure you..My friends know me as very easy going and fun loving..But i have been house bound and bed ridden (part of the time) for an entire month now and i am going nuts...I cannot work, drive, etc...And the pain is going up and down daily...2 steps forward 3 steps back...It has been scary and very frustrating because i really am doing alot of the work..Reading, rereading, started journaling today and having my second session w/ Don Dubin tomorrow morning on the phone...My neck is particularly bad today after trying to get out of bed while laying on my side and not use my hand for support...Must be the TMS gremlin as TT calls it trying to hold me back...I appreciate your input very much...I am curious what you went thru with your neck if you want to share it...I love hearing success stories that help give me hope...I rarely hear people on here talking about the neck, it's mostly the back.. |
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tennis tom
USA
4746 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2006 : 01:05:24
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"But i have been house bound and bed ridden (part of the time) for an entire month now and i am going nuts..."
S_A, this in itself will definitely make you go nuts--it did it for me  . CABIN FEVER |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2006 : 09:55:38
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| Exactly TT, Cabin Fever...And it just gives me too much time to focus on the pain but if i push too hard b4 i am ready i get set back...All i did was turn my head (or try to) a little too fast w/o going back to center and everything increased...pain, some twitching, etc...and even less mobility..I tried to not support my head when getting up from laying on my side and that seemed to be a trigger too...I want to paint again and just GO OUT...I want to scream right now but i cannot..I even watched a sad movie thinking it would make me cry but i didn't want to cry in front of my friend who was visiting...crazy i know..I was raised kind of like a tom boy to hold things in, no doubt part of the whole problem..I have another session wtih Don Dubin today, thank God..Hope it doesn't temporarily exacerbate things..Well even if it does i know he is going to help me...He is very good...I am at the end of my rope right now...was up all night with the pain... |
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JaneLeslie
USA
88 Posts |
Posted - 11/12/2006 : 12:43:26
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Hi,
SingerArtist: I must tell you that I am a singer (professional) and was raised in NJ too! Are you able to sing at all? At least at home? It sounds like it. That feels so good to our nervous systems. I was struck by your homesickness because I now live far away from NJ and miss it terribly and I am 45 years old. It has gotten easier for me though because I think that the yearning for NJ is a yearning to go back to the place where all of the pain started. To fix it and get it "right!" (I once read a Christian book that said that homesickness is also a yearning for Heaven!) We are looking for a place that will heal us! A place where parents could have and should have done things differently perhaps. At this point I cannot go back---maybe someday. I comfort myself by telling myself that while NJ is great and I hope I make it back there that (for me) some of this NJ-itis is a function of unresolved grief and other emotions that come along iwth this nasty TMS. You are truly making progress from what I can tell. I am new at this too. It seems that it is common for pain to increase a bit before it gets better because of the need to resist (on an ucs. level) the diagnosis. Also, if you are like me and had this problem for many years it won't go away tomorrow because it is like a bad habit that isn't ready to quit, but it will go away with a few more months' work. Be patient with yourself Jersey girl! You are on the right track.
Blessings!
Jane |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 06:32:56
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Hiya Jane,
Wow..what a great reply to my post..Thank you so much! You make alot of sense when you mentioned unresolved grief and NJ..I lost both of my parents to cancer 16 years ago and I am still healing from that loss..I also lost several friends over the past 6 years or so...So I do equate loss w/ NJ on an unconscious level, I am sure..That is why I say that NJ is bitter sweet for me..Being there is helpful and joyful at times and terribly empty at others..IN addtion, many of my friends are sooo busy now that they don't have the time to spend socializing that they used to..I am living in STaten Island now as well, and gas/tolls are so expensive..Driving there over these bumpy NY roads doesn't help my neck either..as well as the daily stress i have been having here..
That's so cool that you are a singer too and my age..What are you doing w/ your singing lately and where exactly are you living now? I am performing in NJ/NY in several bands now..And..interestingly I find that the ONLY time I am nearly pain free is when I am on stage performing and during the breaks!
Hugs and God bless,
Karen |
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JaneLeslie
USA
88 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 19:18:55
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Karen,
I am so glad that what I said was on-target for you! You never know. It just seemed like more than a coincidence. I live on Cape Cod in MA and I am a very part-time church musician---nothing fancy. I sing at people's weddings and funerals and at Sunday services. I have worked hard on my voice and have always been classically trained but I think it would be fun to be in a band. Yes, I have noticed that if I am having pain before singing it (usually) will lessen afterwards. I am also in an early music group in my town. The folks are all amateurs, some better than others. The group is a real mixed bag but I love early music. It really speaks to the soul. I wanted to mention the NJ thing because I wanted to warn you against dissapointment if you ever moved back because of course things cannot be "the same" as they were when you were a kid. My parents were divorced when I was a teenager. That is when I first got TMS. They are still alive and my father and his wife still live in NJ and I do visit and feel very nostalgic. Some of the nostalgia may be a yearning for an intact family and for my old pre-TMS self I think.
It is hard at our age, don't you think, to be going through this recovery (as slow as it is) because there are so many things I should have and would have done differently if I had felt well during my 20's and 30's. The pain (in one form or another) robbed me of any clarity of thought and of the "best years of my life." Ick. Hey, maybe NJ caused our TMS! Hope not.
Blessings,
Jane |
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My session w/ Don Dubin
