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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
 Posted - 05/04/2007 : 12:20:02
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Hi Everyone,
I was wondering if any of the fellow TMSers on here have had times in their lives when the goodism trait was over the top..I am in one of those periods now and it is increasing symptoms..Thankfully, I know it's TMS and I am doing the work to fight the gremlin so far..But, how does one change one's basic personality and is it even possible?
A current example..I am in a relationship w/ a man I love very much..He is back East, I am in Vegas..He is allergic to my dogs and one of my dogs has been very ill with pancreatitis..I told him that I would not ever give up my dogs for anyone..We will have to continue with a long distance relationship and visits twice a year until I move back or his allergies are miraculously healed..
He wants me living there with him full time, I will not leave my dogs for as long as I did over the holidays ever again..He has accepted my decision and truly is at such a low point in his life (medically, emotionally and financially) that he doesn't want any other drastic changes in his life like a change in our relationship status..
In the meantime, I have my hands full w/ over the top stress due to caring for my dog around the clock...I am not complaining, my dogs are my children,,I am just talking about goodism wherein I tend to put other people's needs before my own..Everytime I talk to my b/f in the past several months, it is almost solely a conversation wherein I listen and he complains about how terrible his life has become..It is rarely pleasant at all and only a few times has he been able to be there for me..
One time when I was hysterical when my dogs was in critical condition and another time when I almost ended up in the emergency room for chest pains..He is very good in a crisis and can put his needs aside..But generally these days all I hear from him is hopelessness or extreme frustration..He even told me that he threw a fax machine that wasn't working over his terrace in the back yard! He has never done that b4 in his life, but any severe display of anger like that frightens me..All the stress has made him close to snapping altogether..He is not the man I fell in love with..
He had an ear surgery gone awry, has a neck/back true injury and probably TMS on top of it and breathing problems as well..Financially he is in trouble too..I have gotten nothing but just knowing we are still in love and officially a couple out of the relationship since I returned to Vegas mid January..
The relationship used to be very balanced..Now it is so one sided because he is just incapable of giving to anyone..In fact, I am the only person he even speaks to on a daily basis..He is too out of it on meds or just so depressed about his condition to talk to any of his friends or even family, with the exception of his mother...He is isolating and I am so worried about him I am having nightmares which is adding to stress over my doggie and finances..
I am not happy, but yet I still love him and long for the good times singing together on stage, etc..I just don't know when he will be back to 'normal' again..He is saying that he may even have to be committed for a time to a facility to rest due to a nervous breakdown!
We have been together just under a year overall and are not engaged..He wanted to buy me a ring this Xmas but couldn't afford it..He wants to get married...Honestly, I don't know if I would have accepted it because of the displays of anger I witnessed when I was in NY..(even b4 his ear surgery and life went to hell in a hand basket)..
I wrote him a warm letter discussing our potential irreconcilable differences like the dog allergy, etc..and said perhaps we are meant to be best friends..He called me hysterical and asked if I was leaving him..What could I say? I didn't want to leave him when he is at such a low point,,but I am not happy for many months and keep hoping he will heal and become himself again..
In the meantime, life is going by and I don't want another year in limbo in terms of him still being in this condition in the future..If we were married or engaged of course I wouldn't dream of leaving someone when they get ill or broke..But we are neither..We are boyfriend and girlfriend..I don't know what to do..I wouldn't dream of looking for someone else as long as I am officially in a relationship..But I feel a sense of urgency to make a clear decision and yet I am afraid he will snap completely if I break up with him..
I am due to visit NY for my bday in June..for a month or so, only if my dog is completely healed, of course..I could do some singing gigs while i am there and see family/friends..I have wanted to move back for the past three years but didn't when I could because my roommate who is like the brother i always wanted begged me to stay here in Vegas..AGAIN..another goodism to the extreme situation..I put his needs above my own and stayed here..At the time, three years ago, I had the funds to relocate, now I don't..So I am trapped here too..Whew, sorry this is so long..I guess I am hoping for some words of wisdom on my confusing life situation..
For those interested, KC, my border collie/beagle is healing from the pancreatitis but not out of the woods..It has been 3 weeks of extreme stress and worry over his sickness..He is my baby boy..I don't have human children..I am just concerned when this is behind me, I will collapse from all the stress..I don't want the TMS gremlin latching onto my neck in full force again either..So I thought if I shared here it would help..It usually does..
Needless to say the vet bills are over 6000 dollars and that is surely adding ALOT of financial stress..(although I am NOT complaining,,he is soooo worth every cent..)
Any thoughts would be so appreciated..
Hugs and God bless,
Karen |
Edited by - Singer_Artist on 05/04/2007 12:38:06 |
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Gemma_Louise
United Kingdom
68 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 12:34:18
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Hi Karen. Good to hear your dog is improving. As for those vets bills, ouch!
I wouldn't describe myself as a 'goodist', so I can't identify with you on that. In fact, I'm ashamed to say I'm pretty self-centered a lot of the time and I tend to look out for my own best interests instead of others.  I'm more of the Perfectionist type that Sarno describes and I guess slightly narcissistic, although I often hate myself at the same time. Kind of a walking contradiction really!
I find your question about can one change their basic personality an intriguing one. I've often thought about this myself as I'm convinced that I was born the way I am to a large degree, as I've been like this as far back as I can remember - even as a very young child. I wonder how much of our personality is inherited and how much is acquired? I've promised myself so many times that I will change and approach life differently and yet I'm rigidly set in my ways. I don't actually know how to change, even though I want to.
Gemma x
'The more sensitive you are, the more certain you are to be brutalised, develop scabs, never evolve. Never allow yourself to feel anything, because you always feel too much' - Marlon Brando |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 12:43:53
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Hi Gemma,
Thanks for writing..:) Yes I am so happy KC is improving, although this setback yesterday has me quite worried until the blood work results are in..I am trying so hard to control the environment here with how much to feed him, when, separating both dogs who are on different diets, administering medications, etc..I feel like this is a vet clinic! My other dog, the basset hound..got past a baracade on the couch yesterday because my roomie wasn't paying attention and we had to rush her to the vet..She sprained her leg..We thought it could have been her neck because that had been injured previously jumping off the bed..So now i have 2 dogs I am caring for, my babies..The stress is insane..
The question about changing our personalities is a complicated one..I am hoping some light will be shed on it in this thread..I want to change my goodism too..I don't want to put other Humans needs soooo far above my own...My animals are another story as they are totally dependent on me and that is fine, of course..I am just sick of sacrificing so much to avoid hurting others..as I spoke of when discussing my boyfriend situation..If you have any thoughts on that part, let me know...I am overwhelmed to put it mildly..
Take care!
Karen |
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Woodchuck
USA
111 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 12:46:32
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quote:
Originally posted by Singer_Artist
Hi Everyone,
I was wondering if any of the fellow TMSers on here have had times in their lives when the goodism trait was over the top..I am in one of those periods now and it is increasing symptoms..Thankfully, I know it's TMS and I am doing the work to fight the gremlin..But how does one change one's basic personality and is it even possible?
A quick current example..I am in a relationship w/ a man I love very much..He is back East, I am in Vegas..He is allergic to my dogs and one of my dogs has been very ill with pancreatitis..I told my b/f that I would not ever give up my dogs for anyone, so we will have to continue with me going back and forth across the country visiting him..He has accepted that and truly is at such a low point in his life (medically, emotionally and financially) that he doesn't want any other drastic changes like a change in our relationship status..
In the meantime, I have my hands full w/ over the top stress due to caring for my dog around the clock and dealing with very high vet bills..I am not complaining, my dogs are my children,,I am just talking about goodism wherein I tend to put other people needs (like my boyfriend) before my own..Everytime I talk to him in the past several months it is almost solely a conversation wherein I listen and he complains about how terrible his life has become..
He had an ear surgery gone awry, has a neck/back true injury and probably TMS on top of it and breathing problems as well..Financially he is in trouble too..I have gotten nothing but just knowing we are still in love and officially a couple out of the relationship since I returned to Vegas mid January..It is almost all me helping him and when I hang up the phone I am so drained I can barely function for a time..Sometimes, when I hear the rage in his voice over even small things (he has a right to be totally frustrated w/ all on his plate)..i end up getting more tightness in my neck and even chest pains after one of those conversations..I am not happy, but yet I still love him and long for the good times singing together on stage, etc..I just don't know when he will be back to 'normal' again..He is saying that he may even have to be committed for a time to a facility to rest due to a nervous breakdown!
We have been together just under a year overall and are not engaged..He wanted to buy me a ring this Xmas but couldn't afford it..Honestly, I don't know if I would have accepted it because of the displays of anger I witnessed when I was in NY..(even b4 his ear surgery and life went to hell in a hand basket)..
I wrote him a warm letter discussing our potential irreconcilable differences like the dog allergy, etc..and said perhaps we are meant to be best friends..He called me hysterical and asked if I was leaving him..What could I say? I didn't want to leave him when he is at such a low point,,but I am not happy for many months and keep hoping he will heal and become himself again..In the meantime, life is going by and I don't want another year in limbo in terms of him still being in this condition in the future..If we were married or engaged of course I wouldn't dream of leaving someone when they get ill or broke..But we are neither..We are boyfriend and girlfriend and have not even been together a year yet..I don't know what to do..I wouldn't dream of looking for someone else as long as I am officially in a relationship..But I feel a sense of urgency to make a clear decision and yet I am afraid he will snap completely if I break up with him..
I am due to visit NY for my bday in June..for a month or so, only if my dog is completely healed, of course..I could do some singing gigs while i am there and see family/friends..I have wanted to move back for the past three years but didn't when I could because my roommate who is like the brother i always wanted begged me to stay here in Vegas..AGAIN..another goodism to the extreme situation..I put his needs above my own and stayed here..At the time, three years ago, I had the funds to relocate, now I don't..So I am trapped here too..Whew, sorry this is so long..I guess I am hoping for some words of wisdom on my confusing life situation..
For those interested, KC, my border collie/beagle is healing from the pancreatitis but not out of the woods..It has been 3 weeks of extreme stress and worry over his sickness..He is my baby boy..I don't have human children..I am just concerned when this is behind me, I will collapse from all the stress..I don't want the TMS gremlin latching onto my neck in full force again either..So I thought if I shared here it would help..It usually does..
Needless to say the vet bills are over 6000 dollars and that is surely adding ALOT of financial stress..(although I am NOT complaining,,he is soooo worth every cent..He is my boy)..
Any thoughts would be so appreciated..
Hugs and God bless,
Karen
Not to offend or upset you, but it might. I've been around recovery (AA) for close to 25 years and have seen sooooooo many one-sided realtionships similar to what you describe. There is no happy future with that and it is beyond goodism to allow another person that much control over you. Some of the 'share' AA meetings I used to attend would more aptly be called "Relationships Anonymous" instead of "Alcoholics Anonymous" as the same old lopsided relationships were discussed over and over and over again with no resolution. I've yet to see one of those relationships 'fixed'. And, three people I personally knew over several years actually committed suicide out of warped thinking over their relationships! Really, really sad. Again, not to upset, and if so, sorry you took it that way, but I would suggest taking a really hard look at this one-year friend's dependency on and manipulation of you and the emotional/physical/TMS aggravating drain it must be for you. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but he needs to take responsibility for his own emotional needs. I know this is a tough situation and I wish you all the best with sorting it all out.
Woodchuck
BTW, this is not entirely the same thing, but I allowed myself to get dragged into a situation with this elderly friend I made reference too that practically destroyed me mentally and emotionally. Not a love relationship like in your case, but he was a 93 yo family friend when he died in a hospice situation last Nov in a nursing home. As he bacame more unable to fend for himself, his two daughters turned their backs on him literally and by default, I ended up with the whole bag as he had no one else to help him. He began having strokes, developed dementia, could barely see or hear, had severe breathing problems and became so dependent on me that it was suffocating. I knew he would not last forever, so I decided to do EVERTHING I could to make his last days as bearable as possible. He had no money, so it was not a be-glad-when-he's-gone, collect the dough situation. And I'm not saying I'm the good guy either. I simply could not bear seeing depressed and alone stuffed away like discarded baggage as does happy to some of the elderly. Call it a weakness of mine. So, I took on the resposibility to the fullest and, even though it was draining to the max, I would do it again for him in a heartbeat, screw the emotional pain! I visited him daily in the nursing home for about 2 years. Sometimes he did not even seem to appreciate it, even though I might have visited twice one day, the next day he might wonder why I had not come to see him for awhile. I knew this was caused by his dementia, but even though, it was draining! This I am quite sure set off my last TMS bout (did not even know about TMS til after his death) as within days of his death, my little bit of lower- back pain exploded into intense big pain with sciatica! Fortunately that is finally gone as I've recognized it for what it is! I did a lot of writing about this situation I let myself get into and I'm sure that journaling has been a big help too. And I continue to write about it. In any case, I think I do understand the stress of dealing with dependent people and it be very difficult! I won't go through such an ordeal as that again. I just won't allow myself again to get in a situation of "tagged you're it!" |
Edited by - Woodchuck on 05/04/2007 13:18:41 |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 12:50:56
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Yep, you got the goodist thing going on for sure. Then to add that you got shame and guilt. Can you change your personality, I think that can change when you start learning the truth as to why your a goodist, that's where reading about shame will come into play, Healing The Shame That Binds You, go pick it up atthe library. If you don't I'm going to read it to you!!!  .I know I'm preachin to ya, but you have to see this for yourself, otherwise your going to be trapped in the same predicament. It's not your job to take care of your boyfriend, he needs to get help for his problems, cause it sounds like he's projecting them on to you. From what you told me, he sounds like he's shame based. He needs to learn for himself, so that he can heal.
Your roomate sounds the same way. They sound like they got you in a tug of war are are both projecting their shame, which s causing you some guilt, which in turn caused you physical pain. I think you knowin your heart what you want to do, and you know wat you should do,but the guilt is keeping you from doing. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. It sounds like your boyfriend is looking for a mommy. you have a heavy burden right now, and you have to make som ecisions. From what I am gathering, in a way, it sounds like you maybe trying to break-up with your boyfriend, but in a ubtle way, like the dog allergy, and maybe we should be friends thing. Of course I don't know for sure. 
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Gemma_Louise
United Kingdom
68 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 13:16:42
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quote:
Originally posted by Singer_Artist
I am just sick of sacrificing so much to avoid hurting others..as I spoke of when discussing my boyfriend situation..If you have any thoughts on that part, let me know...I am overwhelmed to put it mildly..
Well, as others have pointed out, you're in a pretty complex situation as far as your relationship is concerned. I know you love your boyfriend very much, but you have to really ask yourself if you can see yourself happily spending your life with him, considering how he behaves. You freely acknowledge that you have issues of your own which is why you have TMS and it sounds like your boyfriend is exacerbating your symptoms. With your goodist tendencies the last thing you need is someone who is very needy and dependent, it will just fuel your goodism, which will lead to internal rage, which will in turn lead to more TMS.
Also, if you really do love your dogs and know you will always want to have dogs, it seems impossible for you to settle together due to his allergies.
I really feel for you and I don't mean to sound like the voice of doom here! Nobody can predict the future and things could change and work out really well. However, when you're in love, your judgment can be clouded and I think you need to really think long and hard and, for once, put yourself and your own happiness first! Maybe write down the pro's and con's of your relationship to help give you a more balanced view. If you do decide that you want to persevere and make it work, then you definitely need to create some kind of action plan as it can't carry on as it is. You really would need to have a heart to heart with him and tell him how you feel. If he really loves you, he will want to do all he can to make you happy and make it work. 
'The more sensitive you are, the more certain you are to be brutalised, develop scabs, never evolve. Never allow yourself to feel anything, because you always feel too much' - Marlon Brando |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 14:08:17
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Hi Woodchuck,
I hear you and what you said about my relationship makes perfect sense to me..I feel for you regarding what you went through taking care of your elderly friend..I have been there too..I love elderly people, in fact, and used to work in a nursing home in between gigs..I got too attached and worried about the people that I quit because it was making me sick..Also when someone i cared about in a special way died, it added to the reservoir of grief I have inside of me for all the very close loved ones i have lost..Moving in and caring for my Grandma, after both my parents died, was also extremely difficult as well..My older sister left all the responsibility on me and never helped me care for our Grandma once..So, needless to say, I have a world of rage toward my sister for that and other things..BTW, the 12 steps are wonderful..I used to go to Al-Anon and OA..and only made it to step 4..Thanx for your support!
Matt,
Thanx for writing dear friend..You have been telling me about the Bradshaw book for quite awhile..Reading it to me could work..
You know my situation and your insight on it is very accurate..I do still love my b/f, very much, but I cannot see a real future for us..I don't want to drop a bomb on him when he is already so low..The guilt is keeping me from making a change..
Gemma,
You are right..I love my dogs as if they were my children, in fact, when one doesn't have human kids, their animals are their children..I cannot explain to them what is going on when they are sick and it is soooo hard..I decided even b4 my big dog got sick that I was never going to leave them, even if I left them with their daddy..They are everything to me..I suppose the non-animal lovers probably think I am nuts..
I am hanging onto the relationship by a thread because I do still care and I don't want to hurt him when he is soooo low right now..I suppose i am waiting for some miraculous healing in his life to turn things around..But how long can I wait and deal w/ all the stress..I am almost afraid of what he might tell me happened to him next!
Appreciate all the feedback..
Hugs and God bless to you all,
Karen |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 14:34:51
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| Yeah I totally have been there, and there is no real good time to tell someone. I kept putting it off, and then my ex's mom was diagnosed with cancer. Kepp ya in my prayers. |
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Shary
147 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 14:47:34
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Hi Karen,
You asked if it's possible to change one's basic personality. I think you can change the way you look at things, the way you think about things, and the way you react to things. This is going to affect you in a positive manner when the changes are for the better. Breaking down preconceived opinions and perspectives (that may not even be factual) can take some effort, but I'm finding the end result to be very worthwhile.
Somebody said this type of attitude modification is nothing more than repression, but it's actually just the opposite. It's the equivalent of tearing down that high brick wall we all surround ourselves with and letting in some fresh air. It opens up options that didn't exist under our old rigid way of thinking. |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 15:03:43
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Hi Karen,
I'm sorry to hear that things are in such a tough state with your boyfriend. Frankly, it sounds like he needs professional help. I know your question is about you, and of course it's somewhere between difficult and impossible to get other people to get help...but he sounds like he needs it.
I actually went through a situation recently that was similar in essence to your situation. My boyfriend was having a tough time. He was depressed and angry a lot and sometimes I wasn't sure where the guy I liked so much had gone. (But then he would reappear for a few minutes and remind me!) I was under stress of my own and after a while I started to feel like I was always, always the one listening and supporting and taking care of. It was painful and very frustrating.
It's possible to change our personalities, I think, but it requires deep investigation into why we are the way we are. However, in the short run, I think we can change what we do by pushing ourselves rationally to act against our emotional inclinations. Your inclinations, and mine, are to nurture and to take care of, to not hurt, to support, to put others first. But after a while our rational mind recognizes that we are hurt, angry and running low on resources. The fact is that we are not helping ourselves, and in the end, we are not helping others, when we go to extremes to put them first.
I can't say for sure what you should do. In my case, I tried to steer conversations away from the subjects that were starting to drive me crazy, suggested he think about therapy, talked to him about one particular behavior that was really bothering me (we also had a spontaneous disagreement about another issue in which we both said some of the hard stuff we were feeling, then resolved that later on), and tried to talk about things that mattered to me as well, essentially, by claiming conversation time, expressing that I needed to talk about these things and get support too. In some cases I asked for help and advice explicitly. I was helped in this by a friend who reminded me that relationships are about both people helping to fill each other's needs. If you don't tell the other person your needs, they may not fulfill them out of ignorance. Once you tell them, if they don't or can't, you have a bigger problem.
My boyfriend is doing a lot better now and I am glad I stuck it out, but even gladder I didn't just sit there and do nothing but took some positive steps to improving communication.
It also sounds like you and your boyfriend have at least one major issue which may be simply irreconcilable, which is the doggy issue. If you do conclude you have to end things, I don't think you should hesitate to do it now because it's a bad time for him. It will always be a bad time to some extent, and extending a relationship with no future out of a desire not to hurt the other person does not help either party in the end.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Woodchuck
USA
111 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 15:25:18
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quote:
Originally posted by Singer_Artist
Hi Woodchuck,
I hear you and what you said about my relationship makes perfect sense to me..I feel for you regarding what you went through taking care of your elderly friend..I have been there too..I love elderly people, in fact, and used to work in a nursing home in between gigs..I got too attached and worried about the people that I quit because it was making me sick..Also when someone i cared about in a special way died, it added to the reservoir of grief I have inside of me for all the very close loved ones i have lost..Moving in and caring for my Grandma, after both my parents died, was also extremely difficult as well..My older sister left all the responsibility on me and never helped me care for our Grandma once..So, needless to say, I have a world of rage toward my sister for that and other things..BTW, the 12 steps are wonderful..I used to go to Al-Anon and OA..and only made it to step 4..Thanx for your support!
Appreciate all the feedback..
Hugs and God bless to you all,
Karen
Hi Karen, well you've certainly carried some heavy loads. I'm sure the result will be to make you a stronger person. Hang in there and I will keep you in my thoughts!
Woodchuck (Ken) |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 15:32:13
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Matt, ACL and Shary,
Thank you for your replies..all were very helpful..I have been hanging in there thinking that maybe the old him will return..And I get reminders about who he is deep down too, just like you did ACL..That is what keeps me hooked in as well..I have had so much loss in my life and I hate endings of any kind..He has made it clear to me that he loves me too much to stay friends if we should ever end as a couple..So I would be losing his friendship as well..But with what I am going through, which just in the past hour went from bad to worse, I fear I am about to have a breakdown myself if I don't find a way to process all this fear, worry about my sick dog..
He was healing and doing better..Then yesterday had a set back..I am sitting on pins and needles waiting for the blood work results hopefully later today..He held down his mini meal at 10AM but just vomited up his meal at 1pm..And I am trying sooooo hard to do everything perfectly...I waited exactly 30 minutes after giving him the anti nausea meds b4 I fed him..He is so hungry that he inhales the food so i have to keep taking it away and making him eat slower..Then after he starts this whole breathing thing and just vomited..There was a streak of blood in the vomit and the nurse said that wasn't a good sign...This is so heartbreaking to witness..It feels worse the caring for a human because this is a defenseless animal who is depending upon me to care for him..I cannot explain in his language why I am having to medicate him, why he is vomiting again and going through such pain..I love him with all of my heart and I was just crying my eyes out in the garage so he wouldn't see me and get upset..I don't want him to have to go back to the hospital and be caged up on IV's again..He was getting BETTER..even playing and seemed on the road to recovery..I keep going over and over in my mind what we could have done wrong to bring on this setback..I am blamming myself and my roommate who just isn't a natural nurse type but does love KC with all his heart too..
My roommate cannot offer me any support because he becomes more of a basket case then myself..My boyfriend is actually excellent at calming me down in a crisis..but he is going from doctor to doctor and now has to go for a brain scan for something potentially very serious..I won't abandon my dogs but i feel like i am losing my mind with the stress of it all...It breaks my heart to see him suffer, the pain is so deep that I had to take a valium because I got to where i was hyperventilating when crying...I have a prescription of valium on hand for emergencies when my neck is really bad and I cannot sleep..I rarely take it because i am a naturalist and it is addicting..
I just took one now to prepare if the blood work shows something really bad..As much as I love dogs more then life itself..I am learning that perhaps in the future I might even be able to have dogs again due to being this much of a basket case when they get ill...My basset now has a sprained leg from what happened yesterday and I am here all alone til my roommate gets home from work..
Everytime KC goes outside i have to run out to see if he is vomiting and keep track of it..If it continues he will have to be hospitalized again in not the optimum place..His internal specialist is on vacation..The vet he would stay wiht I love,but only has one technician to care for all the dogs all night long..KC will be so scared and upset having to go back there after being home and doing better all week til yesterday..I am told pancreatitis is like this..up and down..For anyone who believes in prayer, please pray for KC and for all of us over here..This is making me think that after I care for my dogs and they one day end up in dog Heaven..i just want to sell my car, run away to Europe and start a brand new life..Anytime i visited or lived in Europe I was the most myself, and in the least amount, if any, TMS pain..I feel so lost and scared right now..Thanx for listening..
Love to you guys for your support,
Karen |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 15:40:47
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| Thank you Ken...I realized when I was crying so hard in the garage alone (so i wouldn't upset the dogs)..that the reason I hold in tears so much is that when they finally come out, it is so intense that I feel like I cannot breathe and i get a gag reflex like i am going to vomit..The only time i have healthy tears is when watching a good tear jerker movie..What I am going through with my dogs, since it just took another turn for the worst since i started this post about my boyfriend, is one of the worse things i have gone through in my life..My roommate/brother just called to check on KC and I began to cry again..This time i didn't hyperventilate or gag..God help me if i hear some bad news w/ the blood work later today..They put a rush on it for this afternoon with the lab...If you knew my KC, he is the kindest, most gentlest mild mannered dog..He even holds his vomit in til he can get outside thru the doggy door...He is so selfless..As sick as he feels, he was licking my basset hounds face when she sprained her leg..The worst part is he was improving and even seemed like his old self again..then suddenly it got bad again..Thanx for listening..It means alot.. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 15:54:54
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ACL,
I forgot to mention that my boyfriend is seeing a therapist and a psychitrist as well..He is deciding on medication but afraid of side effects...Honestly if in order to be healthy/normal he must be on meds the rest of his life I couldn't deal with that...Medications typically make a person fall asleep alot and numb feelings..That would also not be the man I fell in love with..It was so good to explore this situation with everyone and I am hoping for more replies..But since i wrote it, my dog vomited again and there was a streak of blood..The vet is very concerned and I am waiting for a call w/ the blood work results..I am so scared and never had to see one of my beloved animals suffer like this..Like i said, we were very hopeful seeing him happy and almost like his old self til yesterday..THe disappointment and extreme worry is making me feel like i am going to lose my mind...but I have to hold myself together for my doggie..The valium has kicked in and i feel calmer..but i hate taking any drugs..I drank red wine last night to calm myself, that I do rarely as well..I am trying Valerian root, Bach flower remedies, etc..Nothing seems to be cutting it..I can barely relax in a shower because i have to keep an eye on KC to make sure i don't miss it if he vomits somewhere i can't see in the backyard..It is all maddening..I must sound like a broken record..Having all this going down at once is leaving me feeling incredibly depressed and a nervous wreck..I wish i weren't so sensitive and didn't care as much as I do...I suppose that will never happen..it's just who i am...As of how i feel right now...I don't think i will ever get dogs in the future unless i am much stronger then i am now..
Hugs,
Karen |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 16:16:14
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Karen,
The best herb I know for anxiety is kava...No kidding, the stuff is excellent...Steer clear of the pills as they don't work as well..Go for the liquid...
Better yet, go on the 'net and buy actual kava from Hawaii..
Kava is genuinely non-addictive. You don't have to continually take more to get the same benefit...
I'm sorry to hear about your doggie's setback...
A.
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 17:16:53
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Karen, I'm glad your boyfriend is getting help. It's tautological but true: getting help helps. It helps you to because you know if he is getting help he has someone else he can talk to.
I hope you can keep an open mind about medication. I am generally opposed to it too, but for some people it works extremely well and they feel like themselves for the first time, no longer having to cope with all the extra negative stuff.
quote:
And I am trying sooooo hard to do everything perfectly
Well, that's gonna be TMS in a nutshell.
I know you are in a lot of pain and very anxious and I absolutely understand how much it sucks. I mean, I'm the kind of person who takes her cat to the emergency vet on a holiday weekend for a mild sprained leg! (He was lethargic and not eating or peeing well, so it wasn't frivolous, but it was extremely cautious of us.) But I do think that you could benefit from just stepping back a little and seeing the situation as it is and accepting that it is the way it is, you're doing what you can, you love everyone in the situation and they know that, but you cannot totally fix it. You don't need to care less but you need to take care of yourself more. As I said before, it does not help you or the other person or dog in the situation if you run your own resources down too much.
I hope KC gets well soon. I wonder if it would help both of you if you could share your sadness together. He must feel sad and must know and understand that you are upset. I am sure he understands that you are doing your best. Doggies are great like that. I am not sure you have to keep up a front for him. He can accept how you feel and will know the depth your concern for him.
It is holding back your tears that makes them so fierce. It's a self-perpetuating cycle. Someday you'll be able to step out of the cycle and let them flow.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 19:44:11
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Art,
I only take the valium on very rare occasions..In the past 3 weeks since KC has been ill I took a total of 3..that is alot for me..Other times I try Valerian, Calm forte homeopathic remedy and Back flower rememdies..I have tried Kava b4 and it does have a calming affect on me...The problem is that I read several articles about it having potential long term side effects, so I got scared..I will look into it again as an alternative..thanx for the caring words about my doggie..
ACL,
You are probably right..KC surely knows I am doing my best..I keep talking to him, hugging him and giving him all the love I have inside of me..When i cry, however, if he sees me, he gets worried and I can see more upset or scared..So I go into another part of the house when it gets real bad..usually after he vomits I am extremely upset..
The up and down roller coaster has been hard particularly this past week..We thought he was in the clear then the set back..I just had to call the vet again..The blood work is in and he was going to call me tomorrow AM with it..I wouldn't sleep at all so i put in a message for him to call me tonight..KC is due for more meds at 9:30pm and I am praying i will be able to try to give him a very small amount of food with it..I hate shoving the pill down his throat..I am getting better at it..but he is soooo hungry and I feel like i am starving my dog..Of course, i know it's for his own good right now but it hurts me so much..We are not eating in front of him and really i feel like going on a fast myself to connect with him more deeply..
It is exhausting because every time i hear him exit the doggie door i have to go and make sure he didn't vomit and check for the runs as well..We have to be sure he is okay electrolytes wise..
He is such a beautiful dog..part Border collie, part beagle and we think he also has some wolf in him..He is the gentlest, kindest, most well mannered dog in the world..The love I feel for him is so deep as is the love I feel for my little 12 yr. old basset who is now recovering from a sprained leg..I feel like i am running a vet clinic over here and that is fine because i love them soooo much..But i just want things to be back to normal..I want to know he's going to be okay in the long run...
It does help to know my b/f is seeking help..Unfortunately, however, he seeks my help alot more then anyone elses and on a daily basis..He is seeing a therapist once per week and exploring potential medications as well..He is like me, a naturalist and hates all the side effects of drugs, so chance are he may not take what is even prescribed and I sure cannot force him to..
Quite honestly, as much as i love him, I am so much more worried right now about my innocent, defenseless baby KC..I am his mom and he is depending upon be to help him..I went out for a whooping 45 minutes today when my roommate came home..It was nice to be out in the world but the entire time i couldn't stop thinking about him..Even called home from my cell on prime time to see if the vet called yet...It is a constant source of stress..It does help to talk to you guys on here and I am very grateful for your kind words of support..
Hugs to you both,
Karen |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 23:57:31
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Wow, I must be really stressed because I just re-read this whole thread and I repeated myself several times..Now I feel like I am fighting getting sick, like a cold..It's no wonder, I haven't slept right, eaten right, etc..just worrying about KC..
The blood work came back and I spoke the vet a few hours ago..The pancreatic enzymes were better, thank God..but the gal bladder and liver enzymes were too high..This could be that they got damaged from the pancreatitis..He said they can heal with time and possibly more meds..KC seems in better spirits and was able to hold down 6 mini meatballs of prescription ID dog food..
I wanted to thank everyone who has responded so far..All of you really have helped me with your support, ideas and thoughts..I am very grateful! |
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yogurtbacteria
USA
10 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2007 : 07:56:22
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I have had to end a relationship for similar reasons not too long ago. the situation wasn't as extreme, it was simply that my girlfriend was much more needy than I could handle, and eventually I realized that despite loving her, the relationship was not worth what it was doing to me.
I don't know you, or your relationship, but when you talk about his anger, and about being afraid of breaking up with him because he might snap, it makes me really, really want to tell you you should break up with him. No relationship should continue because of fear of what would happen if it ended. And no relationship should continue because you're counting on it changing unless you have a really, really good reason to be confident that change is coming.
I hope things turn out ok. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2007 : 09:22:44
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Thanx Yogurtbacteria,
Appreciate the input very much..Neediness is a real turn off, indeed..I used to be that way in certain relationships only..I lost someone I loved very much because of it and haven't behaved like that since..I have been w/ others who were too dependent/needy in the past and eventually I left..In my b/f's case, he has become progressively more that way since his life has fallen apart around him..Many of the physical things he is dealing with are completely out of his control..but a few, I believe, were caused by being careless and doing stupid things like running like mad down a flight of slippery steps to catch a subway and falling..I have seen him nearly walk right in front of cars in the middle of NYC, he thinks he is invincible..He would even try to get me to jay walk and run across the street with him!
I do feel for him regarding things like his ear issues or true injuries, but the rest he almost brought on himself..I used to jokingly call him a kvetch,,,but it actually became true..I know when I left after being in NYC for 4 months he was destroyed..The week I was leaving to come back here he was crying often in front of me and I felt sooo guilty it was torture..I cried too, but not until I was at the airport actually leaving..
He is very possessive and jealous of my platonic male friends also..He has gotten better with that, especially w/ the friends he met in person..But we have had countless fights over my friends..He is isolated alot and a loner now that i am in Vegas and he is in NYC..He prefers to hang out with his woman or as couples..
I like all different types of social interactions..He is alot of fun when we are performing together or at a wedding, for example. But he also told me that he couldn't handle it if I ever sang w/ any other bands besides his! It was my own fault for dealing w/ that..If a singing job comes my way now, I am taking it..I am not looking for anything here because in Vegas I primarily paint and teach voice..The smoke in the casinos bothers me..But when i go to NY this summer I will, no doubt, have alot of freelance gigs with or without him..
Thanx for listening...Guess i am processing alot more then I thought..
{BTW, my doggie KC did not vomit his breakfast this morning! Thank God..The blood test results showed the pancreatic enzymes were back to normal but the gal bladder and liver enzymes were elevated alot..The vet said that the gal bladder could have been damaged from the pancreatitis..He said time and maybe antibiotics along w/ the meds he is already taking should heal it..I am giving very small meals frequently..My basset's leg is healing nicely..}
Hugs and God bless,
Karen |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2007 : 16:05:03
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Shortcake,
Thank you sweetie..I would really appreciate hearing from you..My email again is (deleting email out to avoid spammers, what was i thinking)...You can write me thru here...and then i will give you the email address directly..
My dog is still healing..I am so worried about him..He just vomited his lunch..The blood work showed improvement w/ the pancreatitis but elevated gal bladder levels..It just never stops..Please do keep us all in prayer..It is affecting my health now..I am also exhausted from the lack of sleep and eating right..I am trying to take care of myself but my doggie comes first..He needs constant care..Waiting for the vet to call now..Hope to hear from you soon and hope you have a wonderful weekend..
Hugs and God bless you,
Karen |
Edited by - Singer_Artist on 05/05/2007 16:17:48 |
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Goodism to the extreme
