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Singer_Artist
   
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2007 : 21:21:55
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Shortcake, I am looking forward to hearing from you at my regular email address...You can either write me through here, like i mentioned,,or my art website address is in my profile and you can contact me that way as well.. I feel a wonderful kinship with you and would like to chat privately as well.. Hugs and Blessings! Karen |
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Curiosity18

USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2007 : 00:04:07
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Karen,
What a stressful time this is for you! I hope that the situation with your significant other gets resolved soon. Long distance relationships can be hard enough, without the other, added complications. My thoughts are with you and your furries. I'm glad your bassett's leg is healing. It can be so painful to watch them struggle with health issues. My 17 year old cat has really started to slow down, and I don't know how much longer she'll be with me.
Take care,
Curiosity
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Singer_Artist
   
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2007 : 06:30:02
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Curiousity, Thank you so much for the empathetic words..It means alot to me right now..Yes I do have alot on my plate and I feel as if I am on auto pilot..My poochies come first..My BorderCollie/Beagle (KC) is the one who needs constant attention for the pancreatitis and other problem in his gal bladder that needs to be resolved..It really has been torture to see him suffer for weeks now..Last night he went to play w/ my basset and I was so happy to see that, but we are not out of the woods..As for my b/f, I chickened out again on saying anything to him because he called me so upset about his life.. Sounds like you really love your kitty too.. Hugs, Karen |
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Wavy Soul
  
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2007 : 10:28:05
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Hi Singer and all,
Someone I know and respect very much - in fact she has been a mentor to me at times - is just breaking up with her partner because he has been ill for so long and basically depends on her but doesn't give her the love and attention she needs. The illness looks like extreme TMS to both of us, and my friend knows about this and has watched me get better, but couldn't get him to read the book. It got to the point where she was so tired of being "used" that she released her addiction to getting what she wanted from him. and... this is amazing...
...she told me a couple of days ago that she was going to break up with him, no matter what! Even if he committed suicide, which she thought he might, she said.
I was amazed. Because this woman is very kind and generous but also very enlightened.
I go to 12-Step meetings from time to time, particularly AlAnon which is absolutely the epitome of Relationships Anonymous. No one will tell you what to do, but people are always dealing with issues exactly like yours. Someone said the other day that her alcoholic husband, who is in recovery for a long time himself, said to her, "Don't you DARE ever stop me meeting my bottom!"
This may sound like putting your head up your ass, but actually as you probably know, "bottoming out" is the lingo for what a person HAS to do to get the deep motivation that causes change. Those of us on this board have mostly reached it in terms of our symptoms, which is why we are willing to deconstruct our strategies rather than continue in the same vein. And if we aren't, our subconscious happily will give us more symptoms until we are.
And my 2 cents - to quote a corny book title: "He's Just Not That Into You," and you shouldn't rescue him. Need is not love.
Love to you and the doggies.
(And to the person (I can't get back there from here to see who it was) who took care of that old guy till he died, I salute you, and I would hope I would do the same. Not being codependent doesn't mean, for me, not being compassionate and doing service. That situation was completely completely beyond that old man's control at that point in time, after all.)
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
Edited by - Wavy Soul on 05/06/2007 10:32:04 |
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Singer_Artist
   
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2007 : 10:40:50
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Hi Wavy, Always love what you have to say, thank you! I do need to go to Al-anon also for my dealing w/ a close family member that I love dearly..She is battling w/ alcoholism..
The only thing I would disagree with is when you mentioned the book "He's just not that into you.." It's actually that he's just TOO MUCH into me and always has been.. Normally, when he isn't having every medical issue under the sun(TMS and some real)..he is very possessive of me and cannot get enough time together.. If it were up to him we would cocoon it into the sunset forever..
I do love spending time with the 'real' him too..but..I am a social animal and also need time w/ other couples, my friends/family, etc..He is fine just mostly being w/ me doing fun things or writing songs, etc..creating together...
THose are the things I will miss soooo much..B4 he got ill (physically, TMS wise and mentally) I loved being with him...We did many gigs together wherein I played keyboards in his Christian rock band (we did concerts)..and wherein I sang lead for his other secular club bands and a duo..It was a BLAST..Singing together is bliss..Our voices blend incredibly well together, and we both acknowledged that it has never been so smooth in all of our years in the biz working w/ other bands..(we are both in our late 40's)..
The problem is that he mentioned that if I sang w/ any other bands (that he was not in)..he could not handle that..He doesn't want me on stage w/ other men if he is not there too..etc. And because i love him so much and enjoyed performing w/ him, I avoided any freelance gigs that came along..but now..I know better..I told him that that is ridiculous..I have been a pro singer all my life and I am not letting ANYONE tell me I cannot do ANY gig..(Just using this as an illustration of how he is too into me..)
We love the same things, have amazing deep conversations, same spiritual views, global views, the same dreams, etc..It is so sad..We both thought this was it..but now i am seeing otherwise..I dread breaking his heart and I dread grieving the loss, even though i would be the one leaving..It still hurts alot.. Thanks for listening..and for the well wishes for my doggies..
My basset's leg is healing very well..she is still on anti inflammatories.. My border collie w/ the pancreatitis is still healing..We are tyring a different way of feeding very small meals and so far so good today..It's a long road..I have to go to a funeral out of town today, and I am giving my roomie/bro Explicit directions on what to do when i am gone.. Hugs and blessings!! Karen |
Edited by - Singer_Artist on 05/06/2007 10:48:57 |
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Wavy Soul
  
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2007 : 13:12:03
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quote: The only thing I would disagree with is when you mentioned the book "He's just not that into you.." It's actually that he's just TOO MUCH into me and always has been..
Maybe you should write a NEW bestseller.
Yet as I thought about it, it seemed like almost the same thing. Not enough and too much can be a bit similar.
"Does he/she love you enough," would be a more appropriate new bestseller to write. I'm currently deliberately 3 years into being in a primary relationship with myself after 23 years of marriage (to 3 hubbies). From the outside, once the withdrawal subsides, relationships don't seem so essential as they do from the inside. The grief and separation suck, for sure. But not having your full self present because you are afraid to leave is worse.
I'm come to value FREEDOM more than almost anything. It wasn't high on my list before.
Then I can be with a free bloke, when he shows up, in perfect timing.
There's something else I wanna say which I think I will say in private e-mail if possible. Love to you.
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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Singer_Artist
   
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2007 : 13:21:01
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Wavy, You are soooo insightful!! Wow! When you said "Not having your full self present because you are afraid to leave" it really struck a chord in me..And..I am value FREEDOM very highly..My b/f, being an old fashioned typical NY Italian is not big on me being too Free..In fact, he doesn't like my butterfly side..He knows I have travelled the globe alone, lived in Austria singing in 94, etc..and he just cannot relate to that side of me..I have had to do alot of compromising in terms of my male, platonic friends to keep peace with him..Ironically, lately he seems better about my male friends..I asked him, why now?? Why not when I was living in NYC with you..It would have saved me a whole lot of STRESSFUL fights and conflicts..
I look very much forward to hearing from you in a private email.. Love back at you, Karen |
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armchairlinguist
   
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2007 : 12:58:37
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Wow, the whole thing about your boyfriend not wanting you to sing in any other band and not trusting you around male friends...if it were me, that would massively freak me out. It's good that he is working on it...but trust is ultimately the most important thing you can give someone you love. If he doesn't trust you there is a basic rift in the relatonship. I hope you can figure out what you need and whether he can give you that. If so, terrif. If not...move on knowing you did what was right for you, and ultimately for him too, because if you are not right for each other, someone else will be right for him.
Hope KC is continuing to improve! And you too.
-- Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Singer_Artist
   
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2007 : 13:39:35
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Thanks ACL, I agree, it is over the top possessiveness and jealousy..He claims he does trust me, that I am the only person he trusts..He says it's the other people that he doesn't trust and the men in the audience watching me sing..He said it's a cultural thing, an Italian thing..I told him that perhaps I am not the right woman for him because I have too many male friends, I sing in public, I don't cook, etc..I wrote him again, and told him that until he gets help w/ the anger issues, I cannot be with him other then friendship..
I told him the truth, I love him, but all the negativity and darkness is too much for me and affecting my health now..I have to stay focused on my KC right now..I left a door open saying if it's God's will for us to grow old together, we will find our way back to one another down the line, once he has evolved enough and gets his life back together..He is in such a hopeless mode about everything and full of conscious rage at the world..
He wrote me back that he is too hysterical and heart broken to even respond properly..I went and meditated and prayed for him, that is all I can do right now..I have to stick to my guns, but it is very hard..I feel like i am in a sort of shock about following through with this decision and it hasn't hit me yet..We have potential singing gigs together in NY this summer...gigs I dearly look forward to..I know he won't want to be 'just friends' because of how he feels about me..So there is a loss involved for me as well because I never broke up with a man I was still in love with before..I am forcing myself not to look at videos of us together doing gigs or photos of the holidays, etc..I don't want to torture myself in that way..The man I fell in love with has been overshadowed by this very negative angry person for many months..It is so sad..We had big plans for our future together and really I dread being single again..Thanx for listening..and for your kind words of encouragement and healing wishes for me and my baby dog! Hugs to you, Karen |
Edited by - Singer_Artist on 05/07/2007 13:45:34 |
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armchairlinguist
   
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2007 : 21:53:03
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Good for you, to take the step that feels right for you and your well-being. Sending more good wishes your way for things to go forward in a better place.
-- Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Singer_Artist
   
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2007 : 22:00:44
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Thanx sweetie..It's hard but i know i did the right thing.. |
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art
   
1903 Posts |
Posted - 05/08/2007 : 05:48:22
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Love it seems to me has nothing to do with wanting to possess someone, or control someone...That feels like the opposite of love.
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Singer_Artist
   
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/08/2007 : 09:42:17
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I know what you mean, Art...Those characteristics are the opposite of love...But, my b/f has many other sides to him that definitely are love as did our relationship..I am wanting to stay friends but he is too heartbroken to be just friends with me...I don't know the future, nobody does..I don't like to close doors permanently and I guess i am a glass is half full type person..So, who knows...if he changes and life changes we could end up together down the road..Then again, probably not..that is why i pushed myself to go through with the break up...What i am trying to say is that I am confused because I still love him dearly..I have never ended a relationship b4 w/ someone i was still in love with..It is very hard..I just decided that, at this time, I have to go with my gut instincts and do what is best for myself..Putting the Goodism aside, for once.. Hugs, K |
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