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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
 Posted - 05/08/2007 : 22:19:47
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I was wondering if anyone out there ever notices themselves deliberately, consciously avoiding feeling painful emotions..It's no wonder I have TMS, so often I stop my own tears from flowing..It might be because oftentimes when they finally do flow (in extreme moments of crisis, etc..) I feel like i am going to die..I start hyperventilating, almost vomiting, etc..The only time I cry 'normal' type tears is when watching a touching movie..I am so used to be the 'entertainer' the one who cheers everyone up and helps everyone that I forgot how to help myself!
I dropped the bomb on my b/f yesterday and he is devastated..I am too, although I was the one who did the breaking up..it still hurts alot because i do love him...We have spoken twice since this happened because I am trying to help him cope..He was crying so hard I didn't know what to do..I was able to calm him by telling him the truth..I don't know the future, perhaps after a time, if it's God's will and certain changes are made, we could reunite..He is just so into this negative, everything has gone wrong in my life mode, that all he can think of is having more disasters in his life..It really is not unlike Job's life in the Bible..It's been one thing after the other for him, medically, emotionally, financially, that it's almost unbelievable..One of his friends died and he didn't find out til yesterday and told me he missed the funeral because he was so upset over losing me..(I asked him to not drop anymore guilt on me by telling me this!) I don't think he consciously wanted to upset me by telling me that connection, but he just doesn't know when to keep quiet and when not to..He tells me ALL..And I just couldn't take the negativity any longer..
I must sound like a broken record to those who may have read my other recent posts..This is my way of processing things and ALSO (I must admit) by staying in my head writing, I avoid 'feeling!'
I am not sure how to break this life long pattern..It is not just because I am a singer and used to being 'on stage.' It is also because my father raised me almost like a boy..I got footballs as gifts, I hung out w/ all the boys in the neighborhood, climbed trees, etc...Was never a girly girly..and I am still not..But I think I learned this art of repressing my sadness very early on and I hate it..Several of my male friends can cry ALOT easier then I can! I seem to have no problem cursing at bad drivers though!
No wonder my neck is locked and my shoulders are so tight..My back even started up earlier today and still hurts..I have been bending and twisting alot taking care of my dog...BUt I am sure it's conditioning because i didn't do anything that should have actually hurt my body..
Thank God my dog is healing...YIPPIE...He was playing w/ my basset today and everything..He is still on meds and only able to hold down a can of food a day..He is a big doggie and needs 3 cans..but we are working up to it slowly..
I am soooo worried about my b/f and also worried that I may have made the wrong decision (even though deep down I know it was the right thing to do..)I keep second guessing myself..And since the break up, ironically, he sounds more like his old, tender self again and our communication is better then it has been the past few months..
I haven't even cried about the end of this relationship..Mind you, I was the one who ended it..but..still..it is a loss for me as well..He and I spoke many times a day and had some amazing experiences together..We are also best friends aside from being in a romantic relationship..
I am scared that when i realize what i have done that i might just take him back because it hurts too much to lose someone else i care about...He does not want to be 'just friends' because he said he is too much in love with me..I have not completely closed the door regarding the future..but he has to work on the possessiveness, the jealousy and the anger issues..All of his personality and emotional issues are worse then ever because he has more things wrong at once then I have ever witnessed a person go through in life..I do feel for him, deeply..But i just cannot let him take me down with him like I have been...
Sorry i am repeating myself..I don't even know what I expect to hear in response to such a post..I just feel confused, scared, lost and yet I don't feel anything at all..Kind of numb..
Hugs and God bless,
Karen |
Edited by - Singer_Artist on 05/08/2007 23:18:57 |
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Lizzie
United Kingdom
56 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2007 : 02:36:52
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Karen
Take care! What you are going through sounds very difficult, but often after very difficult times come better ones. Be hopeful! As to repression, I should know...I'm British! Today I received some very sad news by email. I wanted to cry but I was in the office and know it is not appropriate. (It's a bit like your boyfriend offloading too much on you such as the guilt of not attending his friend's funeral. It's not always fair on others to not repress for the time being) I think the trick is not to repress it indefinitely but just until you can find a place to allow yourself to be yourself. Are you journalling?
Make some time alone for yourself. Take care of yourself. You deserve it. We all do.
Lizzie |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2007 : 04:31:43
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| sounds like you did the right thing. How are you to know if he's right for you unless you set him free? perhaps, only then will you get the feelings of longing for him or not. |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2007 : 05:26:13
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When it is conscious then it is called supression. For example, when someone makes you very angry but you hold yourself back from saying anything, or when your boss places tough demands on you but again you remain silent. You are making a conscious choice to do thhis. It is different than repression becuase with repression you are not aware that you are doing it. It is still important to focus in on how you supress your anger.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2007 : 07:06:55
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Lizzie,
Thanks for understanding me..No I am not journaling and I should be..I am also not making any time for myself because I am still caring for my doggie..He is getting better but still needs to be watched and given meds, fed every 2 hours, etc..I haven't been to the gym in a month..I took one walk alone this month and saw one movie..I am not complaining, my dog is so worth it..
Skizzik,
Makes alot of sense what you said..I just have to be careful that if I get to feeling more and more longing it is from pure love and not a sort of addictive love..THanks!
Shawn,
You are right..WOw, my memory stinks...And I have my degree in Psychology and an advanced degree in counselling alcoholics and drug addicts..I should have recalled that distinction..Guess it's been too long since college days..:)
Hugs and God's blessings to you all,
Karen |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2007 : 07:41:25
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With all these Psychology degrees, Karen, you should write a book on TMS. All the material is sitting right in front of you on this message board.
I would like to see a book with a introductory chapter and then several chapters of case studies. This is the most interesting reading as it puts the theory into practice.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2007 : 07:52:31
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I hear ya, Shawn...I practically do write books on here, lol..Some of my posts are ridiculously long..I have a couple of books in me, but they are for much later in life, say in a cabin in the forest somewhere, perhaps Montana..Right now my art and my singing come first..THere is so little time to do everything in this life one wants to accomplish!
Hugs,
K |
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Shary
147 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2007 : 08:36:46
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Karen, I think you are very brave. I also think you're moving toward a better place. Don't worry about having done the wrong thing regarding your boyfriend. If an eventual reunion is in the cards, it will happen. Meanwhile, your decision to break up may force him to move toward a better place as well. From your posts, it seems he has been guilting you into staying with him. Give him a chance to rethink his own situation.
I think the second-guessing and indecisiveness you feel is all part of TMS. I see this very trait in myself. I also have trouble crying. It used to irritate me that some people could cry at the drop of a hat--over anything. I saw it as a self-pitying waste of time. Lizzie, the British would have envied my stiff upper lip! But now I'm beginning to see how closely the lack of tears ties into my TMS pain. Interestingly, as I continue to move forward to a better place of my own, I find that I am able to cry more easily, giving my emotions a much healthier outlet than muscle pain. |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2007 : 09:26:38
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quote:
Originally posted by Singer_Artist
THere is so little time to do everything in this life one wants to accomplish!
Aha! Sooooooooooooooooo, you seem to be a driven individual! Wanting to succeed, wanting to be recognized, wanting to be admire through your artwork and music. This drive must be utterely enraging on the inside, especially when you may feel you have to "prove" yourself to others or "demonstrate" you self-worth via your talents. Am I anywhere close?
*************
Sarno-ize it!
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2007 : 11:16:32
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Thanx Shary!
Always get alot out of your replies! What a great way of putting it...crying is giving your emotions a much better outlet then muscle pain! I so agree..Can't wait to be where you are at with this..Guess I might have to go out and rent the movie "Bridges of Madison County" or "The Notebook" again!
Hugs,
Karen |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2007 : 11:18:15
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You sure are, Shawn! You are always very insightful! I have alot of rage on the inside..but I think the rage toward my sister that I wrote about this morning in your other post is probably a bigger contributer to the pain..The pain is bad today in neck, shoulders and low back! I am carrying guilt worrying about my b/f and having heard his crying so hard on my voicemail..I hate to hurt anyone, least of all someone I love!
Hugs,
Karen |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2007 : 12:04:10
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I think you have the causality backwards (although of course it's something of a loop) for your experience of intense crying sessions. It is most likely because you suppress them that they are so intense when they occur. It's likely you have a lot built up inside you and you may need to have a lot of intense crying sessions before you get back to a more "ordinary" level of crying. But the longer you put them off, the worse they will probably get. You need to let the pain out emotionally, because if it doesn't come out emotionally it will come out physically, as it has been, and you don't want to have that anymore.
You might need someone supportive and nonjudgmental to do this with. I always cried alone when I was younger and it is really much easier and more healing to do it with someone who is able to just be there for you. I don't know if this is possible for you right now, but maybe there is someone you could be with, or maybe after your life is a little calmer you can check about getting with a therapist of some sort. You might not need a TMS therapist even, just an understanding regular therapist to help you get into emotions.
You know I wish you all the best.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2007 : 14:07:40
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| Karen, one thing that TMS has taught me is that we are not responsible for what others do to us, but we are responsible to how we react. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2007 : 14:41:13
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ACL,
Thanx for your kind and wise response..You are right..Here's the dilemma..The person in all the world who helps me feel my sadness is my b/f who I just broke up with! One of the best things about him is that for some reason he knows exactly how to make me feel very comfortable expressing all my emotions..I can't go to him now because he is devastated about the breakup and doesn't want (can't) be only just friends with me..I think i might have to stick to renting the sad movies for now..
Matt,
You are so right..My reactions are my choice and sometimes I chose wrong..
Hugs to you both,
Karen |
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carbar
USA
227 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2007 : 20:21:23
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quote:
Originally posted by Singer_Artist
I dropped the bomb on my b/f yesterday and he is devastated..I am too, although I was the one who did the breaking up..it still hurts alot because i do love him...We have spoken twice since this happened because I am trying to help him cope.
and
Thanx for your kind and wise response..You are right..Here's the dilemma..The person in all the world who helps me feel my sadness is my b/f who I just broke up with! One of the best things about him is that for some reason he knows exactly how to make me feel very comfortable expressing all my emotions..I can't go to him now because he is devastated about the breakup and doesn't want (can't) be only just friends with me..I think i might have to stick to renting the sad movies for now..
Since you are posting about this, Karen, I really do want to comment.
1) It's interesting how you use a violent phrase, "drop the bomb," to describe how you expressed your needs and feelings to someone you care about. It really can seem violent when we're not used to expressing OUR needs and we are so busy worry about the other person's reaction.
2)Re: just friends/spoke to him twice. Even though he was able to offer you emotional support, it seemed to come with too high a price. He is rely on you for TOO much that it's draining you. Remember that when you are tempted to be "good" and comfort someone that's been causing you a lot of trouble. You need him to rely on other people for support? Now's the time he's got to build that up, coz you told him enough is enough, and I know you are strong enough to stick with it!
Glad you dogs are hanging in there... |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2007 : 21:19:32
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Thanx Carbar..
You are right..And really it wasn't a bomb because I told him in the most gentle, loving way possible..And i am still trying to help him through it...via phone/email..But I have to stick to my guns (oops there i go again sounding violent!) That is probably because i do feel very angry and sad at the same time..It's now lodging in my neck/back..not surprised about that..You all on here help me so much..I think i would be in even more pain if not for this forum..
Hugs,
Karen |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2007 : 23:46:45
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Something to consider, and of course everyone is different so YMMV. But it may not really help for you to stay in close touch with your boyfriend and try to "help him through it". A breakup needs some time to "take", as it were, time in which both people look at how their lives are necessarily going to change and get into the habit of spending more time/energy with others or alone than with the former SO. Sometimes staying too close can end up prolonging the agonizing time when one or both wish/hope/believe that they could get back together in the near future.
If I were in a similar situation, I would let the other person know that if he is truly in need, he could contact me, but otherwise it would be time to move apart.
But again, YMMV on this.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/10/2007 : 10:57:20
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Thanx ACL,
You make perfect sense..The hard part is that we are also best friends, so I am the main person he turns to in his life and vice versa..Although since January he has had so many problems that he hasn't been able to be as supportive toward me as he normally is..On top of this, one of his friends died of a heart attack at age 39, probably the day b4 I broke up with him...I didn't know his friend died and neither did he until the wife was up to calling and letting friends know..So I guess i felt even more obligated to be there for him due to this sudden loss..Terrible timing..He has not seen this person in 10 years but they were talking on the phone very recently because his friend is a nurse who knows alot about the ear surgery my b/f had..
Although I followed through and have stuck to my decision, I find myself wavering inside because I do still love him and feel terribly guilty abandoning him..However, my health has got to come first..And unfortunately, my dog is still vomiting sometimes and has to go for more tests to see if his gal bladder might have been damaged during the bout w/ pancreatitis..So the stress never stops...I cannot even go out to a movie or anything..I am taking care of my doggie around the clock..My roomie/bro helps as much as he can but works a normal day job so i am alone most of the time..When roomie gets home he is tired and sometimes makes mistakes caring for KC so I end up getting very angry at him and it's just a mess altogether..I just want KC well, my b/f to heal and my SELF to RELAX and have faith that I made the right decision about leaving him..He is such a wonderful man,,,but hearing all this darkness for four months straight was just too much to bare anymore..Alot of it isn't his fault..but some he has brought on himself..for example..chosing to lift very heavy musical equipment when his back is already injured..or..running down the steps in a rush when they are wet and then falling..etc..The ears are certainly no his fault..I am going on and on like i do when i am very anxious..I just have to calm down..
I also feel more trapped here in my current situation, financially speaking and also because i have to care for my doggies..I am supposed to go back East for my bday and to do some gigs next month and I am not going unless KC is 100 percent..Even then, I don't trust my roomie/bro to care for them to the level I do when i am gone, although he considers them his dogs/babies too...I haven't picked up a brush and painted in a month..Even when i am showering i am rushing to make sure i watch KC in case he vomits..Sometimes it disintegrates in the sun fast and i have to keep track of it due to electrolytes, etc..This is going on a month now and it is really getting to me..On top of that I am PMSing!
Thanx for listening,
Karen |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/10/2007 : 11:01:35
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PS...and talk about rage and repressing it...I feel such a conflict because it is really about 75% my roomie/bro's fault that KC is sick due to giving him too many table scraps..And yet..he is paying the 6000 vet bill until i can afford paying him back for half..So he really has stepped up to the plate and i am so grateful..And he, nor myself, had any idea that giving human food could cause something so terrible or we never would have..I didn't as much as he did because the vet said it wasn't good..THe point is that i am very pissed at my roommate right now because it was on his watch that my basset;s leg got injured jumping over a barade on the couch! Then i feel guilty for being pissed at him because he is footing the bills! I am hypervigilant about caring for the dogs and doing 85% of it myself..But there are certain things one person just cannot do..And it really upsets me that he can be sooo negligent (not meaning to be) helping me w/ just a few things..He means well and is doing his best..but i still get pissed if one of my dogs suffers for it..
Then I nag him and he gets angry at me..My best girlfriend from Fla. told me today that whenever someone in a household is sick these dynamics are pretty common... |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 05/10/2007 : 11:13:36
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Sorry to hear there is still so much bad stuff going on.
Your friend is absolutely right that hard times cause lots of anger and resentment and guilt to flare up.
It's good you can get some of it out on the board. I wonder if you're also journaling privately? Sometimes that really helps because you can write it down, know that it's going to stay where you put it (whereas on the forum things kind of disappear after a while) and just acknowledge it is there and thus maybe let go of it a bit. Your feelings are your feelings. You have them. It's okay to have them. You're a person doing your best under intense stress. Give yourself some breaks mentally.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/10/2007 : 13:14:12
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Thanx sweetie..You are so kind..Wish you lived in Vegas so we could go have some tea and chat!
Hugs,
Karen |
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conscious repression
