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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
 Posted - 06/04/2008 : 22:16:17
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I posed a question to my therapist, well not a question.
I stated" It's bull**** that my brain would choose pain rather than just deal with the fears and rage. Look at what the pain did to my life. Are you telling me that my brain is that stupid. That it would trade my life and all the things I could have done, thus giving me a LESSOR quality life in the end, out of stupid fear and rage? Are you joking me, that's one premise I can't accept"
Him: (not exact words) "What about a drug addict, a gambler, a sex addict, someone with vices and addiction, over eaters? They throw their lives away or suffer terrible consequences to DISTRACT them from inner pain. They wouldn't choose it logically would they? But a part of their brain has taken over, and the distraction wins. You are sick like an alcoholic. Except, your symptom is pain. How different are you?"
Once again, he's right. My 'addiction' is the pain cycle and the processes that get me there. I would never 'choose ' it, but I have. TMS is there as a reminder that you are living wrong. You are seeing things wrong. It takes time to see clear. Are we really that different because we didn't 'choose' this? Because some part of us(speaking for myself) HATES that a person can choose to harm themselves(drug addict, gambler, etc.) , while I sit here and obsess on being healthy and I'm in pain and they're not?
TMS is an illness. I know that strikes people in the negative. But I agree that THAT needs to be admitted. TMS is telling us every day that we are living wrong. This is an opinion, and it seems harsh, but I think generally, it's true.
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"Over thinking...over analyzing...separates the body from the mind." Maynard from the band TOOL |
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mk6283
USA
272 Posts |
Posted - 06/04/2008 : 23:10:44
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Your pain is trying to tell you something! Your job is to figure out what that is and to then correct it. When one truly believes/understands what TMS really is, they can begin to see why it is the most elegant and fascinating diagnosis in all of medicine. Good luck!
Best,
MK |
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positivevibes
204 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2008 : 02:17:23
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So far I have found this to be true.
The deeper I go into myself, the more I realize that I just don't feel comfortable with who I am for various REASONS and possibly I never have! And so, I am not truly living a happy life (I'm "living wrong" as you say), and those REASONS are to blame -- and the fact that I'm keeping those reasons alive in my mind and giving them power.
So how do we choose to deal the reasons for our unhappiness? Some types of unhappiness are extremely scary, especially if they are extremely sad or threatening. Maybe it's too much for your mind to deal with -- it tries to protect you from those feelings -- so it creates a distraction.
Dr. Bloch told me, during one of our phone sessions, that I should ask myself why I'm not feeling joyful at this very moment (any moment, that is). Logically I can say, "Hmm....you know, I don't have a reason to be unhappy right NOW." But the fact is, I'm not living "in the now." Deep down, I'm really living in some past or future, perpetuating some falacy about myself or my relationship with the world. Generating negative thoughts, sometimes on such a deep subconscious level that I don't even realize it (it takes a lot of concentration sometimes to hear all that negativity).
So of course you're not choosing pain. Your body and mind have, for some reason, decided that pain is the best distraction from what's really going on.
I agree with you that it's like an addiction. Today I read in the paper that Tatum O'Neil was caught with cocaine and arrested. She wrote a book about her painful childhood and her addiction, and has been trying to stay sober. Recently her beloved pet died and she was very sad. That's why she got the drugs. She almost blew it and said that the police saved her life by arresting her. I found this very interesting, because you'd think, after all she'd been through, that she would know better. But you see, she was in emotional pain and her old habits almost kicked in again.
I think TMS is a lot like this, although it's not a palpable substance like drugs or alcohol. Some switch gets thrown where we are just not dealing with something properly and we go down the TMS road again. But for us, it's not about avoiding substances, it's about acknowledging our feelings and being honest with/understanding ourselves. I think it's just as hard to recover from TMS as it would be to recover from drug addiction or a gambling or sex addiction -- maybe even harder, because TMS can be so elusive.
A few months ago, a very interesting thing happened to me. I was under a LOT of stress and feeling an extreme amount of anxiety. My back had been feeling fine, but for some reason it seemed as though it should hurt. This was my first clue that indeed I really did have TMS, because a few days later it did start aching for absolutely no real reason. Somehow my mind and nervous system target my back. Just knowing this helps to put a wrench in those works.
Your pain IS trying to tell you something. The tricky part is figuring out what that something is before the pain takes on a life of its own and starts a whole new cycle. |
Edited by - positivevibes on 06/05/2008 02:20:35 |
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Peg
USA
284 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2008 : 04:03:50
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La_kevin Sounds like you have found a very good therapist. Thanks for sharing these insights with us. I think you make a very good point.
Years ago, I attended some AA meetings with my sibling who was in recovery. I was able to relate to everything discussed in the meeting. All the emotions and struggles. The only difference with me was that I didn't drink. It was strange to feel like I fit in, but I didn't.
When you speak of living wrong, it doesn't necessarily mean that we have to change everything in our lives right? Maybe more accurate is your statement about seeing things wrong?
Just trying to make sense of this. Maybe it's important for us to focus on what's going well, what we do well, what we have in our lives to be grateful for, rather than obsessing about what's wrong with ouselves, and with our life (past, present and future). Make changes if we want to, give ourselves credit and take better care of ouselves.
Good point pos vibes, living in the now is harder than it seems.
Peg
In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual. Galileo Galilei |
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Webdan65
USA
182 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2008 : 05:58:01
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quote:
Originally posted by la_kevin
TMS is an illness. I know that strikes people in the negative. But I agree that THAT needs to be admitted. TMS is telling us every day that we are living wrong. This is an opinion, and it seems harsh, but I think generally, it's true.
Harsh yes, but WOW - spot on accurate for me. Living wrong. How am I living wrong? Now THAT is a topic to journal upon. I can probably fill pages. Kevin - thank you for this insight.
Dan |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2008 : 08:53:50
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I had a really hard time accepting this as well, until a few nights when I met some of my deepest, hardest, most painful emotions. Then I realized how much I had been protected from by the pain. It's not chosen by the logical mind -- that's exactly why the logical mind can be used to treat the problem -- but it's chosen deep down by the part of us that's in incredible pain and just doesn't have the skills and experience to face it. John Bradshaw's book Healing the Shame That Binds You makes the connection between people with TMS and people with other types of distractions (alcoholism, OCD, and other addictions/compulsions) fairly clear although he doesn't really talk too much about TMS per se, but when I got that book it became so clear to me that they were all the same.
I was so lost before I understood TMS. My self was almost totally bound to perfectionism and people-pleasing, my emotions almost totally stuffed away. TMS sucks, but for me, the healing process has been a blessing. I'm actually alive now, and actually happy.
At the moment, I'm very excited about something, but it may not happen or may not meet my expectations. I found myself thinking "Maybe I should not get too excited about this, or I will be really let down." But then I thought, heck, I can deal with being let down. I know how to cry and rage and hurt now. Being let down will not mean I will feel horrible and stuck and depressed. It'll be painful but it will come and go.
This is the freedom that TMS recovery brings. It does take time, and more than that, it takes courage. I think you have that courage and will eventually get to where you want to be.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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hottm8oh
USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2008 : 08:57:52
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quote:
Just trying to make sense of this. Maybe it's important for us to focus on what's going well, what we do well, what we have in our lives to be grateful for, rather than obsessing about what's wrong with ouselves, and with our life (past, present and future). Make changes if we want to, give ourselves credit and take better care of ouselves.
I am terribly guilty of this. I don't give myself enough credit. I always feel like I fall short no matter how hard I work. I always feel like I'm not doing enough. I feel like my time has passed and my ability to truly live up to my potential is long gone. I get down on myself for making mistakes. I'm not grateful enough for the good things in my life. I'm constantly afraid that those things will all disappear. I have to force myself to focus on the good things.
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positivevibes
204 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2008 : 11:19:47
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quote:
Originally posted by hottm8oh
quote:
Just trying to make sense of this. Maybe it's important for us to focus on what's going well, what we do well, what we have in our lives to be grateful for, rather than obsessing about what's wrong with ouselves, and with our life (past, present and future). Make changes if we want to, give ourselves credit and take better care of ouselves.
I am terribly guilty of this. I don't give myself enough credit. I always feel like I fall short no matter how hard I work. I always feel like I'm not doing enough. I feel like my time has passed and my ability to truly live up to my potential is long gone. I get down on myself for making mistakes. I'm not grateful enough for the good things in my life. I'm constantly afraid that those things will all disappear. I have to force myself to focus on the good things.
I can certainly relate to being worried that the good things in your life will disappear -- as if you weren't worthy of them in the first place (as if they weren't real). I've struggled with that for years. Only recently have some of those feelings begun to dissipate. In the past few months I have been able to truly FEEL and truly REALIZE the great gifts and joys in my life. They are still colored by the past to some extent, but I'm working through it with therapy and some reading I've been doing.
To realize that the "suffering unhappy person" is not really "you" is a huge relief. The suffering and unhappiness are thoughts and situations a person often creates for themselves without even realizing it. Your emotions and mind are living in the past or projecting into the future. It's not easy to disengage from this negative cycle, but it can be done. And from what I understand, with enough practice you can be free of this negativity and then truly be the "you" that you yearn to be: unsuffering, content, and happy to the core.
However, I do think that it's important to try to understand why you feel unhappy or dissatisfied to begin with. IMO, unless you understand why certain things have been making you "stuck" it will be harder to "unstick" yourself. I guess that's why I'm in therapy. I want to understand why. Understanding why is helping me to break out of the cycle of negativity. I've had quite a few "ah ha" moments. And with each of those, I feel a heavy layer peeling away in my psyche.
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You are not your mind; you are not your thoughts. The incessant mental noise [of your thoughts] creates a false mind-made self that causes fear and suffering and prevents you from connecting with your true self and living in the Now. - Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 06/07/2008 : 19:14:27
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Living wrong -- hmm!
I cogitated a bit on that. I have to say that I have been consciously feeling my feelings, changing my beliefs, etc. for about 30 years, many of them coinciding with my long, long "illness."
I think we each have a North Star and when we are not being directed by it, or right on track, part of us gets very uncomfortable and then this whole TMS mechanism of distraction and suppression and symptom imperatives comes into play. So my "living right" might be your "living wrong."
My life purpose, or whatever one might call it, seems to be rather demanding (typical TMS thing). Through many amazing inner explorations over many years, it seems that I came into this life to dissolve my false sense of self and move into a new level of consciousness. Anything other than that shows up as a stress. And my inner child and co are very resistant to the expansive state of consciousness that other parts of me are moving into, and they fight back like little tyrants. Their absolute ace-in-the-hole is symptoms. Fools me almost every time. I stop all my expansive practices and instead of just being with the discomfort, I begin frantically trying to fix myself.
Darnit! I'm doing that today, and I just busted myself.
xxx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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" But my brain wouldn't do that to me"
