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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
 Posted - 10/18/2009 : 05:21:31
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I will just say this as straight as I can.
I came back last week after being pain free for over a year. Coming back here triggered TMS into being again.
I wanted to write my 'story' as inspiration to others.
I was mistaken. There was a door opened that I thought was closed.
Somehow, I think in the darkest recesses of my mind I knew something like that would happen.
I spoke of my 'mastery' of TMS in my last thread. Pride before the fall.
If it can happen to the best of us...I fear for some.
I was not going to write because I did not want to put fear in others. People have gained inspiration from my posts, which has meant so much to me as a human, as a survivor.
But I need to say it. I need to speak it. I feel very alone and misunderstood by most in my life, and some of you will understand what it is like to have widespread pain. I'm reminded I'm one of you after all. And there is nobody in my immediate life that can relate.
This is a lonely syndrome sometimes.
I'm scared, but I am armed with a knowledge I didn't have in the beginning. I HOPE I can work through this. I need to listen and remember what a great person once told me..."Nobody promised you anything"
Harsh words, I've said them to others, now I say it to myself again. Those words sting don't they.
I think I put so much pressure on myself to be great, to make up for all the years I lost from TMS. I wanted to achieve greatness so bad that TMS was waiting under the surface all along.
I don't feel like a failure though. Just lonely. Disconnected from 'them'...those who don't know what chronic pain feels like. It's real tiring, holding up. I want to just scream at the world, that I have more hurdles to jump over than the average person. That I'm not perfect, that I'm much weaker than I seem.
This week has been an eye opener.
I have come so far in my journey. The thought of it vanishing is making me shake. There have been so many failures in my life, so many regrets and mistakes. I just wanted to hold on to a moment of 'glory'.
But NOBODY promised me anything. Nothing is given, nothing is certain. There is no tomorrow and any fantasies we have are only that.
Some of you may feel dismayed after reading this. Remember, I AM NOT you. Don't fear because of my story. I just really needed to speak about this. Learn from it.
I am pretty 'emotional' right now. It's late and I'm up wondering what my fate is. But TMS can teach. It can show you things. Can cause you to take mental stock of what is 'really bothering you".
I need take time to look at how I have been living. What did I forget? What did I miss? What lesson did overlook?
You CANNOT get away with things that others get away with easily, when you have TMS. We're more 'fragile'.
Woe unto us...........
I won't check back here. There is no more I can say for now. Till then I wish you all the best in YOUR struggles against this monstrosity, this ****ING thief.
Be well.
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"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans"- John Lennon |
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sarita
130 Posts |
Posted - 10/18/2009 : 08:23:58
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its so NORMAL that this happened to you. the pressure of so many people who you inspired etc. stay away from here.
you were NOT mistaken. and it will ALL be fine with you once again. and you did not scare anyone, at least not me.
it was wise to stay away from here, do it again. all the very best!!! no need to be so dramatic, YOU WILL BE EXCELLENT.
think about what it took for the pain to be back, a few days!!! you can get rid of it quickly, too! doesnt common sense tell you this? you say: Somehow, I think in the darkest recesses of my mind I knew something like that would happen.
thats WHY it happened.
You will be fine. No more tmshelp for you until you are immune to it.
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hundreth
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 10/18/2009 : 09:17:57
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You conquered it before, do it again the same way. Remember that TMS is driven by fear. You were afraid this would happen, now you are afraid it won't go away again.
Let us know when you're feeling better and then forget about us. |
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MatthewNJ
USA
691 Posts |
Posted - 10/18/2009 : 16:38:01
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Keven,
This is an amazing post. Thank you. Now for a bit of a rant! Why are you not comming back? Because you are human? Because you had a new symptom. Beat it! You did it before, you can do it again. My therapists always says to write down those successes we have, just in case we need to look back and be able to say "see, I did it before, I can do it again"! I quit smoking sixteen years ago, but I still hang out with people who smoke. I am not going to smoke again! You have so much to offer. Your input here and on the panel the other day is very helpful to others, and must be a great inspiration and satisfaction for yourself, to help spread the word! There was just a discussion, I forget where on this very topic! Someone said how they get symptoms when they write about TMS. And a bunch of us jumped in and said , "oh, you too?". Happens to me too. I have thought I was "cured" and I had a relapes (ulcer). then I thought I was cured again and I had another relapse (severe back pain for about 5 months). I just keep coming back and working harder.
You can too.
The difficult we do right away, the impossible just takes a little longer. |
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sarita
130 Posts |
Posted - 10/18/2009 : 16:43:55
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| its true, fear is the crux of the matter |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 10/18/2009 : 17:50:58
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I had a drink filled night last night. When I came home I jumped on here while I was feeling devastated like someone died, hence the drsmatic tone.
My first true relapse, never thought how overwhelming it can feel. Like you 'lost'.
It's all about ego. Even my thoughts of coming back here to help people from a 'former TMSer" point of view. Why did I feel the need? Am I really playing altruist, or did I fool myself.
Is the Monster TMS, or is it the Ego? Ego always wins.
Lesson #1...Ego always wins.
THe pressure I put on myself to be the 'winner'. This unrealistic vision that I have of my 'ideal self". It's all BS and I know it. That's why pain came back. The noise in our heads that builds the tension. Not being in the now and not accepting life as it is in entirety.
So lately my Ego has felt like it was going to be some "King" again.
"I shall become great and beat TMS and save others from their troubles because I am some Jedi visionary" BULLSH**
I screwed up, people screw up. Not because I'm 'bad', but because I'm flawed.
But I know that TMS tells us these things, or at least that is what it is attempting to tell us. I would hear that from Arnold, my therpist, he used to say "TMS is trying to tell you something"..Out of all the things he said, this was the one I had the hardest time accepting.
Like some sort of necessary negative as a warning signal that you are living life wrong.
But it's true. It's always about the mind and the nervous system's response to all this noise going on upstairs. You can feel it if you observe it.
TMS is showing me that I have entertained the noise again and that my Ego needs a recheck. I've been so stressed by all the bad things that happens in the world to, and I have been feeling so disconnected from people lately. Like the world is an insane asylum that somehow has infected me, so I've retreated into my 'responsibilities".
DISTRACTION!!!!! NOT ADDRESSING THE PROBLEM!!! Get a clue Kevin, get a clue!
If anything, TMS gets credit for humbling a person. Maybe I need to be humbled again, maybe I was never really humbled in the first place.
I'm going to readjust my life. Tolle helps in these times for me...you do what you gotta do to make it through you know?
I'll repost soon, but I need to give my therapist another call I think. His words are always so helpful, he's always a calming person in this madhouse.
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"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans"- John Lennon |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 10/18/2009 : 18:03:42
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And P.S. , thanks for the kind words. Right now is a hard time. I'm in a dark place today...
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"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans"- John Lennon |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 10/19/2009 : 14:20:26
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Relapses should be welcomed and accepted.
Anyone who believes they can rid themselves of TMS for the rest of their lives is setting the bar too high.
Dr. Sarno's book has stories of 'miracle cures' where people never again suffered from TMS symptoms.
Maybe this happens for some, but based on the stories on this forum, and my own personal experience, I believe it is more likely for TMS symptoms to come back from time to time.
The episodes should be fewer and far between, and the intensity should diminish, but they are likely to occur for the rest of your life.
Accept that. Welcome the episodes as a benign signal that there is some emotional baggage that is piling up inside you and needs to be addressed.
Don't set unrealistic goals of being "cured forever" because that will likely just lead to disappointment when the inevitable relapse occurs. |
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forestfortrees
393 Posts |
Posted - 10/19/2009 : 14:56:05
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Hi Kevin,
I'm glad/I hope you haven't left for good. I wish that I had some better words than that, but I think that others have already expressed it better than I can.
Forest
tmswiki.org |
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hundreth
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 10/19/2009 : 18:24:29
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quote:
Originally posted by Dave
Relapses should be welcomed and accepted.
Anyone who believes they can rid themselves of TMS for the rest of their lives is setting the bar too high.
Dr. Sarno's book has stories of 'miracle cures' where people never again suffered from TMS symptoms.
Maybe this happens for some, but based on the stories on this forum, and my own personal experience, I believe it is more likely for TMS symptoms to come back from time to time.
The episodes should be fewer and far between, and the intensity should diminish, but they are likely to occur for the rest of your life.
Accept that. Welcome the episodes as a benign signal that there is some emotional baggage that is piling up inside you and needs to be addressed.
Don't set unrealistic goals of being "cured forever" because that will likely just lead to disappointment when the inevitable relapse occurs.
I'm not sure I can agree here. If your illness truly is TMS, and you still have symptoms, then I believe you still have something to learn. There is a reason why many people never encounter TMS the way we do, it is the way we live and react that make us susceptible. We all encounter stresses in life, but not all of us develop chronic pain. If the argument is that emotional tensions are building up that must be released, then that is what we must learn to stop doing: building up tension.
Don't get me wrong, it's normal to have stressful times where you have a headache/backache and have it go away in a very short timeframe. TMS however, is chronic by nature.
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 10/19/2009 : 20:31:49
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quote:
Originally posted by hundreth
I'm not sure I can agree here. If your illness truly is TMS, and you still have symptoms, then I believe you still have something to learn.
I believe we always have something to learn about ourselves.
quote:
We all encounter stresses in life, but not all of us develop chronic pain.
TMS is not caused by conscious stress; it is caused by unconscious rage which by definition cannot be felt. Stress may contribute to the rage, but often it is the pressures that we don't know about or acknowledge that are the biggest ingredients.
My main point is that I believe it may hamper our progress if we set a goal to be completely free of TMS symptoms. The symptoms will disappear on their own if we banish the fear of them, and if we learn to stop focusing on them. By eliminating the purpose of the symptoms (i.e. to distract us) the unconscious mind will slowly but surely stop this strategy that is no longer working. |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 10/20/2009 : 00:03:56
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Yes, I've also aspired to be the bringer of TMS success to the masses. I even taught a couple of seminars about it, in my early days of much more energy than I had had for years. I think they helped people, but I have certainly been humbled recently.
It's hard to remember what Dave just said - that's it's UNCONSCIOUS. I mean, duh, how can you remember an unconscious thing. That's why the ongong educational part is so important. Otherwise you can start thinking that TMS is some kind of message from the subconscious, like everyone else says, and although it may be so, partially, I've found that the distraction/unconscious rage theory is a lot more helpful.
Anyway, LA Kevin, just like any ole addict, you've had a slip. We all have our grandiose sides (we're people pleasers, after all), and they are generally balanced with some kind of WSS
(Worthless **** Syndrome). And neither are true.
By the way, for you or anyone else who loves Eckhart Tolle or is exploring enlightenment as a pathway to wellness, or just as a pathway to enlightenment, google Jan Frazier. She's an ordinary housewife/writing teacher who suddenly experienced a falling-away of fear, followed by her whole ego. No more suffering. It's incredibly inspiring, even though she can't explain quite how it happened. Her book is called When Fear Falls Away, but just by going to her website, you can read pages and pages of inspiring writing that for me has been life-changing. And I've been listening to her CD Words to Wake Up To, morning noon and night.
Nighty night all
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 10/23/2009 : 19:44:43
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I used to get a relapse nearly every time I perused this forum. Now I haven't had one in about 18 months in spite of several trollings and postings. I passed the 10 year mark this spring (the TMS awareness mark as in 'when the light went on)
Oddly enough, my longest period without symptoms has corresponded with 1. separating from my wife of 17 years 2.going back to playing music 3. being laid off from my day job for a looooooong time
I used to like reading your posts. The 'I won't believe it til you prove it' attitude is actually a good one for recovery, because when you do it will be so much more thorough....and your relapse is just a part of that process.
I play baseball. I have to go up to the plate and LIE to myself saying "I'm going to get a hit" even if I struck out twice already...you never master it, you just hit grooves. Mercifully, my TMS free grooves are a lot longer than my hitting grooves and I'm not lying.....just reminding myself that the answer is already inside of me, I just haven't uncovered it yet. You will. again and again and again.
-bb65
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2009 : 02:25:20
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It's tamed down a lot again. I'm pretty much back to normal. It's been a weird two weeks for me. A lot of looking inward. Still seeing I have a lot to let go of and accept about life.
I've been inside my head way too much and talking insane thoughts to myself. Like a madman beating himself up repeatedly. If you guys could hear the way I've been talking to myself it's almost criminal.
Anyways, I'm back on the horse and I'll be fine with regards to TMS. Just really got thrown off there.
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"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans"- John Lennon |
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inaned
Bulgaria
28 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2009 : 08:17:03
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Ah, relapses....I've had two this year. None was anywhere near the severity of symptoms I've had before I came accross Sarno. The first lasted a month, the second - nearly two months. At the time it did feel lonely. I was angry at myself for not learning my lessons.
But from today's perpective, I can tell you this. I've read great books - all referenced here, in this forum. I discovered other books myself. I gathered information and learned things that I only suspected were true, but I could not trust my intuition. I acquired techniques that actually helped me come to my senses. You know what I am talking about. All this urge to excell, to be the King, the Best, the Survivor - originates from low self esteem.
For people of logic like myself it is important to have it all analized and digested down to basic elements. Understanding is crucial, and it never fails in putting an end to all pain.
I accepted that am not immune to TMS. Not yet. It may return again when I invite it in by not "thinking clean". Monte is absolutely right. One has to change the patterns, and it takes time, effort and dedication.
There will be times when engulfed by life crisis, work, stress, etc., I would not be able to pay enough attention. Then, just a small trigger would be sufficient to bring it in.
So what??? I'll feel pain and discomfort for awhile, but I will take it as a reminder. A chance to keep on changing harmful thinking and behaviour. And the most important knowledge of all - IT CAN'T HURT OR INTIMIDATE ME AND BECAUSE OF THIS IT CAN NEVER GET AS BAD AS BEFORE.
This is the point. It just can't. I will never take sick leaves, postpone vacations or alter my plans. I'll just enjoy my life. What can be more important than that?
If you have a plane, fly it, don't use it as a scooter. |
Edited by - inaned on 10/27/2009 08:19:06 |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2009 : 16:38:44
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thanx for posting this thread kev, and for your honesty.
I feel this was more helpful then you posting that you got it licked and then hid a "surge" (so to speak)so as not to discourage others.
It makes me feel more human, then to constantly wonder why others have it made and what am I doing wrong. While I'm out of "dire" pain, the constant chronic fluctuations drive me crazy, and to know that there is no perfect protocol to get out of tms relaxes me a lot.
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MatthewNJ
USA
691 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2009 : 17:08:42
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Kevin, welcome back. Relapses suck. On my last one I decided "ENOUGH was ENOUGH". I now spend more time being in touch with my body. Our body's are an early warning system. Unfortunatly most of us wait till the sever pain hits us before dealing with it. I can more quickly realize something is "out there" and take some time to relax and let it pass. I don't necessarily have to identify it or yell at myself. But I do let it go. I have heard you mention the "letting go". What method do you use to do that?
I am also starting to do some meditation. I went out to meetup.com and found a group in my area. That really helps a lot. As Dr. John Kabat-Zin says, it is ironinc how much work it takes to do nothing. But I get better at it the more I do it. It is very relaxing.
The difficult we do right away, the impossible just takes a little longer. |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2009 : 22:02:07
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I don't know, I feel kinda of weird about telling people how to 'let go' right after I had a semi tantrum about being a victim of TMS.
When I say 'let go' I usually mean of the TMS pain. As in, let go of the fact you hurt or the feeling of pain. Acceptance that it's going to hurt and it's there. Acceptance that you have this syndrome and to try and move on as much as possible.
I remembered that this time around and it helped. Just going back to life and getting busy doing what you're supposed to do.
That's one way of 'letting go'.
I wanted to answer your question but I'm not too big into over analyzing TMS at this point. It's too dangerous for me.
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"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans"- John Lennon |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2009 : 22:34:18
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quote:
Originally posted by skizzik
thanx for posting this thread kev, and for your honesty.
I feel this was more helpful then you posting that you got it licked and then hid a "surge" (so to speak)so as not to discourage others.
It makes me feel more human, then to constantly wonder why others have it made and what am I doing wrong. While I'm out of "dire" pain, the constant chronic fluctuations drive me crazy, and to know that there is no perfect protocol to get out of tms relaxes me a lot.
Well that's because you are pressuring yourself to be a 'good little tms student'. That's what I did, and look where it got me.
WHo told you that you should be anywhere with TMS? You did.
You don't have to be like others. And remember, There are also those just like you Skizzik, where it is chronic and severe. I was one once, disabled for 6 years and lost everything including a part of my mind.
Honestly Skiz, I don't think one can progress(severe chronic TMS'ers) into true healing without full acceptance of the pain. I think the servere/chronic/disabled type TMS people are fighters by nature.
We/they fight the reality of TMS.
I learned a lesson, I'm glad my lesson made you realize something. We all fall down. I actually kinda enjoy the fact that TMS came back to warn me. Makes me jump into the 'being mindful' mode...humbling experiences center people.
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"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans"- John Lennon |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2009 : 22:57:30
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quote:
Originally posted by Dave
Relapses should be welcomed and accepted.
Anyone who believes they can rid themselves of TMS for the rest of their lives is setting the bar too high.
Dr. Sarno's book has stories of 'miracle cures' where people never again suffered from TMS symptoms.
Maybe this happens for some, but based on the stories on this forum, and my own personal experience, I believe it is more likely for TMS symptoms to come back from time to time.
The episodes should be fewer and far between, and the intensity should diminish, but they are likely to occur for the rest of your life.
Accept that. Welcome the episodes as a benign signal that there is some emotional baggage that is piling up inside you and needs to be addressed.
Don't set unrealistic goals of being "cured forever" because that will likely just lead to disappointment when the inevitable relapse occurs.
"Accept that. Welcome the episodes as a benign signal that there is some emotional baggage that is piling up inside you and needs to be addressed."
Yep. I had a month of pure Ego. Pure hatred. Pure envy and anger. Pure resentment. It was definitely piling up. I've been beating myself up in overdrive... thinking everyone hates me and I'm the biggest failure I know. Feeling like I don't deserve anything good. Angry at everyone. Hating humanity. Thinking everything sucks. Offending people then later wondering why they seemed uncomfortable around me...arguing with everyone.
TMS was just waiting to pop it's head up and say, "Remember me M****r F****r"???? (I did a self edit on that yay me :)
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"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans"- John Lennon |
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hottm8oh
USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 10/28/2009 : 08:56:26
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I completely understand you, Kevin. I find that I have to stay away from this forum because all it does is remind me that TMS exists and brings back some symptoms for me. It's true when Sarno says to FORGET the pain. You truly have to completely disregard that it even exists in order to maintain recovery.
I came back today because a combination of money guilt and nasty family problems have brought the pain back, and I wanted to search for some words of inspiration, advice, something I could grab onto.
I'm sure it will happen to many of us as we deal with TMS.
So far I've concluded that I'm avoiding doing something that I need to do, and I may only be able to tackle the pain if I do it. I'm going to talk to my social worker tonight because I need help with this task, and then I'm going to face the problem and get rid of this f*cking pain again.  |
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I was mistaken
