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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
 Posted - 06/22/2011 : 16:59:02
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Hi Friends,
It's been awhile and I must admit I feel guilty I haven't checked in for such a long time. One could say no news is good news, however, in my case that is not the reason. I have been dealing with a very difficult situation at home on and off for the past few years. My surrogate bro/roomie of 15 yrs became addicted to his prescription pain meds for rheumatoid arthritis, and, in a nutshell, I was codependent. This situation got much worse over the past 6 months where I was dealing w/ his mood swings, etc. due to constant up and downs depending upon if he was high or withdrawing. This person was everything to me..More then a surrogate brother, a best friend..
On April 12, he passed away in a very horrific way. I was present, thankfully, didn't see it actually happen but was right across the street and heard the gun shots. Needless to say, I am traumatized and TMS is taking it's toll on me again! 2 weeks after his death, I almost had to put my 16 yr old Basset Hound Jody down..Thank God she is doing well still. I asked the vet if I could try to bring her back from liver failure at home and she healed miraculously with lots of love and care. One month after my bro died, my other dog KC who was 12 passed away of kidney failure. Too much loss all at once..My wolf dog I rescued 2 yrs ago is doing well, but is a handful to walk at 150 lbs.
I am still living in the house where he died and it's just myself and my 2 dogs now..very lonely and sad. The financial stress is tough as well. There is a big mortgage on the house and I am the executor. That alone is a nightmare, although I am grateful he chose me over his blood relatives. That is how close we were. I have huge decisions to make about selling the house or getting a property management company to rent it out so i can FINALLY move home to NJ!
Even the thought of moving to New Jersey has it's issues as my vet said taking Jody that far wouldn't be a good idea..She is pooping and peeing all over the house, thank God for tile floors! No one is going to rent to me w/ a dog like that. So I am considering Basset Hound rescue down the line a few months if she is still with us. Losing her is really going to be hard as i rescued her when she was 1 yr old. When I move,my wolf dog will come with me..But that also has it's stress as in Nevada we don't have lyme disease, ticks or fleas. I have a phobia of lyme disease and don't want to be afraid to hug him for fear a tick might be in all that fur. He will be protected w/ a shot and with Frontline..I am actually considering moving to another state that has a art/music community and no ticks! The little family i have left, 1 sister, neices and nephews are mostly in NJ on my mom's side..On my Dad's side cousins, etc are all in Slovakia and Czech Republic. If I didn't have dogs, I would consider moving there.
Basically my entire life is literally upside down and the weight of the world rests on my shoulders. Today I was swatting mosquitos in the house and looking up and swatting intensely..now the neck is really acting up..I have pain in my face from my upper neck, or so it seems..The upper part of my neck never fully relaxed from years ago being hurt by a chiro. I went to a kinesiologist a week ago, just b4 my bday on Saturday and he was awesome for me emotionally..but, like an idiot, I allowed him to gently touch my neck and low and behold..a set back..I was just coming back from that when this morning, the mosquito incident..I have a sprinkler in the yard that was leeking from underground..it's now fixed but some of the mosquitos remain..
As i write this I am thinking what the heck??? How can all this happen to one person!? And it's no wonder my TMS didn't come back sooner..
Hoping for some support and encouragement on here..I want to nip this in the bud before it gets worse. I cancelled the piano student i was to teach today because my neck is such a mess..
Hope you are all doing good..Missed all of you..i see a lot of new people..hope some of my old friends write me as well as some of the new people..Looks like the forum has been very active..:)
Hugs,
Karen |
Edited by - Singer_Artist on 06/24/2011 18:58:43 |
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golden_girl
United Kingdom
128 Posts |
Posted - 06/22/2011 : 18:54:33
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Wow, Singer_Artist! That is all some big stuff, I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother, and all you've had to deal with. That's all pretty traumatic.
If it was all only day to day stuff you were dealing with, as I am, then I would obviously say - YES it's TMS, forget about it, and move on! I do think your phobia of Lyme disease, and the physical pain from merely swatting a mosquito or as a reaction to the kinesiologist touching you is unwarranted, or at least, rather extreme - but seriously, I would suggest getting professional help to guide you through what's happened in your life, and aid you to dealing with it.
I wish you all the very best,
GG
"F.E.A.R.
Forgive Everyone And Remember
For Everything A Reason"
Ian Brown |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/22/2011 : 19:20:30
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Thanks GG,
The kinesiologist did a little more then slightly touching me..and I shouldn't have allowed it..It was stupid, I know better..As for the mosquitos, I was looking straight up, stressed to the max and swatting them like a nut..There were 15 or so..My neck muscles are tense anyway from the trauma and of course TMS..I am already seeing a therapist and going to grief group..both do help, but not like having someone really understand this disorder like you all do..I am isolated here in LV and feeling more alone then ever in my life..So many friends have moved away..I have a ton of friends back East and all over the globe, but no one really gets TMS..
Wish you the best too,
~K |
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golden_girl
United Kingdom
128 Posts |
Posted - 06/22/2011 : 19:38:03
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Hey SA!
I have to say, anyone touching you - if you're not happy about it! - should be a no-no! But at the same time, if anyone rubs my sore neck (they don't do it often enough  ) then it won't put me in spasms or whatever for ages? Unless there's an actual physical cause for it, there shouldn't be a reason that would cause you pain - it's not stupid of you, but there's obviously something there.
The same for swatting mosquitoes - it shouldn't throw your neck out of whack - we were built as humans for worse!
For me, I reckon I could see most any psychologist etc and they would know my physical stuff is mindbody - I guess pain etc is in some ways different - can you not find someone in Nevada who is TMS-oriented?
"F.E.A.R.
Forgive Everyone And Remember
For Everything A Reason"
Ian Brown |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/22/2011 : 22:14:52
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I've tried for years, GG, to find a TMS therapist in NV..They don't exist..I used to see Don Dubin in LA, he was great! But couldn't keep that up, financially speaking..If/when I move back to NJ/NY I would love to go see Dr. Sarno himself..As my friend TT used to call me the 'poster child' for TMS..I haven't had a flare up like this in a long time..It's not surprising considering what just happened and what continues to happen..This is a form of journaling for me, as well as, getting perspectives from other TMSers..Hoping Dave will write me soon too..He always has something very valuable to say..Appreciate you chatting with me..Hope to hear from more people as well..Maybe everyone's on vaca.. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2011 : 12:50:11
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| Where is everybody? Was hoping to hear from more then just one person.. |
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Erata
63 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2011 : 14:40:17
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Hi Karen,I’m so sorry to read this; the enormity of what’s happened to you just over two months ago is beyond the pale and certainly beyond any stress scales. You’re in the early days of the aftermath of losing a life partner to a violent death and the grief, guilt, and pain (emotional & physical) that follows such an event can’t be minimized.
From what you wrote, I’m not sure if your bro/best friend committed suicide or was killed by someone else; either way, it’s an unspeakable loss and too much of a burden to be carrying without the strong, unconditional support of family/friends/therapy to help guide you through this. I lost someone I loved to violence (I really believe suicide & murder can have the same impact on the survivors) and I don’t want to project my experience on to you, but I do want to stress how critical it is to take care of yourself in every possible way, especially now.
That you’re still living in the same house you shared, along with living in the place where his life ended so tragically, and, in addition, taking care of two beloved (one who is elderly) pets that have also been impacted, takes what you’re trying to deal with to a whole other level.
It sounds like you’re going to be making some hard decisions about your pets and about where/when you go. You should absolutely not feel so alone with this. Is there anyone who can stay with you and help you with the dogs & also care for you and keep you company? Don’t try to rush through anything, but also try not to take on what no person can reasonably handle alone. My heart goes out to you. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2011 : 16:03:33
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Erata,
What an absolutely wonderful, compassionate letter. Thank you sooo much. I feel understand and heard..:) I am sorry you also went through something this horrific. I found him in the garage with a gun to his head threatening to pull the trigger. I was on the phone w/ a rehab trying to get him a bed..He was worried he would lose his top secret clearance for his job if they found out he became addicted to prescription drugs..The police came and shot him. So it was homicide but they are saying 'suicide by cop.' Only one officer saw what happened, the one who shot him..The other had a truck blocking his view in the driveway..So it's his word and my concern is he could be covering his butt and lying. We will never know and it won't bring my bro back in any case.
I had friends come and stay for the first 2 weeks..now there is no one staying and helping me with my emotions, the dogs, or the enormity of trying to sell everything just to pay the mortgage and bills..I have some support here but nothing compared to if this happened back home in NJ. I hate living here and have wanted to leave for years. I stayed partly to help out my bro..that is another long story..I was codependent..He helped me too, financially speaking and he was kind enough to will the house to me..I am grateful for that.
Today, I am waiting on test results for my Basset who is peeing in the house every half hour..I pray to God it's not kidney failure as I just lost one of my dogs exactly one month ago today and don't want to lose her. Whatever is best for her, of course, comes first..I have never married, no kids and so my dogs are my children..they mean everything to me.
I am sure I am storing a lot of emotions, tension in my neck but there were 2 trigger events to put me in this position. Every time I go through this, I question 'is it physical' and I should know better by now! The timing is too obvious that it's TMS..I cannot afford to have TMS like this now cuz I have to take care of my fur babies and myself..no one is here to help me..
The house might not even be worth more then the mortgage..so I could be upside down..Thankfully i am living off his vacation pay and 5 paintings that sold last year or I'd really be in trouble. The out of state biological family is wonderful but his bio sister that lives here screwed the whole family out of hundreds of thousands years ago so she won't even talk to me because he made me executor and not her! She lives only 10 minutes from the house! I want OUT of here, but cannot go til I handle his affairs, sells his Harley and other things..Then I have to decide what to do w/ the house..
I have a place to rent for cheap w/ a fellow dog lover in So. Jersey anytime i am ready..AHHHHHH i am so confused..My Basset would not do well on such a long journey but i don't want to give her to someone at the end of her life..So in one way, I am forced to stay here til she goes to doggie Heaven..What a mess!
Again, thank you for your compassion and empathy..i need that right now.
Hugs,
Karen |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2011 : 16:05:11
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| PS..Erata! Holy cow we have a lot in common..just saw your profile..Your an animal and art lover! I am an animal nuts, activist and an artist! No wonder you understand me! :) |
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Erata
63 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2011 : 19:37:25
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Jesus, Joseph & Mary, Karen, the lack of surety over who was responsible for his death adds another complex layer and you’re right, you’ll probably never know; that’s hard to come to terms with, but it’s important to try to find peace with the possible injustice. (My father’s murder was never solved. I haven’t done well with this; it’s haunted me and I know most likely triggered TMS-Fibromyalgia, but I had buried my anger & grief for many years. Like you, I had to hit the floor running and try to handle things I wasn’t prepared to handle. There are no blueprints to deal with something like this; nothing that can possibly prepare one to take on sudden violent loss & the resulting chaos and confusion.)
From your story, it sounds like you were supportive and there for him right up to the end and that isn’t about co-dependency, it’s about loving someone & trying to help them, even when you couldn’t. You were in no way responsible for the outcome, and it furthers your tragedy that you’ve been left by his family to deal alone.
It also sounds like you’re behaving like a hero and any TMS related symptoms should, I think, be expected. In fact, maybe you could welcome them because of what you’ve had to take on, while your body responds like any normal human being would to circumstances beyond comprehension.
Yes, I love animals (often more than people!) and they’re my constant companions. But, I also have children I’m close to, and I can certainly understand your dogs being your children, because they are. Love is love, no matter where it lands. Living on a farm for almost 25 years has meant being with many animals when they passed on. Some died naturally, some I’ll probably never get over because they died early & tragically (a close friend said one who is sensitive to animals should probably never live on a farm; I tend to agree), and some grew old and sick and were euthanized.
As hard as it will be to lose your beloved Basset Hound, and one more loss beyond your control, it may be her time. Please be easy on yourself no matter what happens, and take advantage of any outlet where youl can safely express your grief & rage.
All my best—
Erata |
Edited by - Erata on 06/23/2011 22:01:10 |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2011 : 20:04:20
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Erata,
Boy can I relate to loving animals more then some people! We have much to learn from them, forgiveness and unconditional love to name just two..How horrible what happened to your dad..I can imagine that would bring on TMS, big time. I lost both parents, 20 yrs ago within 5 months of each other..That was probably when the TMS started to take hold of me, on and off..The loss of this surrogate brother and dear friend is just as bad as when I lost my folks..He was my family..more so then my bio family I have left..He had my back..now I still have many friends but not like that..I am a very social person and somehow, someway I need to find my way back to New Jersey and start fresh..My silly phobia of lyme and ticks must be worked through and I have to go asap.
Thanks for all the kind words..they really are helping..Sometimes, just being understood is all one needs to recover..
hugs,
K |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2011 : 07:37:20
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Hiya Erata,
It says you replied last but when I come here it shows me as the last post here..In any case, I wanted to thank you again for the kind and empathetic words! My neck seems to be easing up a bit. I walked my 154lb wolf dog this morning (who pulls like mad sometimes), so that is a start..I'm still having TMS symptoms but working hard to think psychological & just 'journaling' a bit on here by conversing with you and GG definitely helped..I think most people were afraid to even respond when reading what happened to me because it is so over the top..This is exactly part of what is creating the TMS..feeling so isolated and alone with all this..Very few friends that are still living in Vegas will sleep at the house in the guest room or my bro's room..it's like they think it 'haunted' or something! People don't know what to say to someone who survives something horrific. In the very beginning, first two weeks, they offer to help, and some do..But then, suddenly you're lucky if you have just a handful of people who continue to stick by you..I have 1 great neighbor, the rest have disappeared into the sunset..This is part of what I have to get out of Vegas asap..But in the meantime, I must make the best of it..Haven't heard about test results for my Basset yet..should hear today..Praying hard for whatever is best for her..
Hugs and God bless,
Karen |
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Erata
63 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2011 : 10:12:50
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Hi Karen,
I began feeling very paranoid about what I’d written about my father and edited it in the middle of the night; hence it looked like I had re-posted but I’d just edited. (The last time I posted something on a forum about my father’s death, I got a bizarre call in the middle of the night that really shook me. Last night, at midnight, the phone rang & woke me out of a sound sleep but I couldn’t answer in time and there was no message. So I was scared and edited my post. I woke this morning with far worse-than-usual Fibro-paralysis, so I know I was much triggered—it turned out the call was from someone calling my son-in-law, so it was ‘just’ co-incidental. I feel much better now, but just re-visiting those fears can greatly exacerbate symptoms!)
I think you’re right about the tick phobia—it’s interesting how the mind works to distract. (Maybe too, swatting the mosquitoes is a way to burn off some anger.) Another thing that occurred to me is how normal it is to be angry with someone who’s died and left you alone to deal with the unfinished business of the relationship, but when the death is due to violence, it’s very difficult to feel that anger due to the circumstances, even though the survivor(s) also have to deal with sorting through far more!
Yes, people often don’t know what to say or do……who can blame them? It’s so outside one’s comfort zone (I’m not being judgmental about that). It’s not how these events are usually portrayed in movies or crime novels. I’m convinced violent deaths like suicide & murder shake people closest to the victim on a primal, primitive level that cannot be understood in any rational way. While people may be attentive & sympathetic at first, they often don’t understand that survivors don’t necessarily get over the event with time; there’s no statute of limitations on the fall-out generated by this kind of loss. Other people go on with their lives, of course, and can’t really understand what you’re still just beginning to deal with.
I’m so glad you’ve got that giant wolf (154 lbs!! We have a Mastiff mix who’s 130 lbs). Let him carry as much as he can. You’re right about animals and their unconditional love; especially dogs.
There’s a very good website you might want to read; I don’t want to post it online because it could reveal my identity, but I’ll try to email it to you (I’m having trouble with my Yahoo account address so not sure how I’ll do this). Also, Eric Schlosser, who wrote ‘Fast Food Nation’, wrote a very good article for The Atlantic: http://www.theatlantic.com/past/docs/issues/97sep/grief.htm
Hugs to you too— |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2011 : 10:26:47
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| Understood, Erata! I wanted to edit my original post w/ the long winded story of what happened as well..Felt I shouldn't have put such details on a public forum..I may edit it later..Right now..i am still revisiting our discussion..Gotta run to the vets, my Basset has a UTI..need to get her meds..Will read that article later..:) Yes, please do email me, I was going to email you as well.. |
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Erata
63 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2011 : 14:34:31
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I hope your pup is ok. Trying to do what’s best for yourself and what’s best for your canine family must feel like being between a rock and a hard place—I don’t envy you this.
I think it’s crucial for trauma survivors to be able to tell their story (though I don’t think it’s a good idea to be graphic about details—that can traumatize others--except with a therapist or someone else who can handle it) because otherwise it’s all internalized and repressed (and everyone here knows what happens with repression). Nobody in my family talked about the crime after it happened; it was swept under the rug and the aftermath included drug & alcohol addictions, mental illness, chronic physical conditions, a suicide attempt, promiscuity, multiple divorces, homelessness, risky life styles, abandonment………not all because of the murder, of course (which didn’t occur in a vacuum) because the pathological history of the family was too deep. But, our culture’s tendency to silence people about uncomfortable real life events brings further suffering and can prevent healing.
But you’re right, unfortunately the internet can be too risky and that reminds me of another cautionary (I learned the hard way); be very protective of yourself with people you don’t know. Predators can pick up on vulnerable people who are recovering from trauma; especially the ‘knights-in-shining-armour’ types and they are out there. I thought I was weary of insincere, disingenuous people but I was wrong. Again, I may just be projecting my own experience, but I don’t think so……….
Best to you,
Erata |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2011 : 18:56:44
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Thanks Erata,
Pup just has a UTI..but i may have told you that..Still and all shen is almost 17! I am having another 'death experience' w/ the trees in the yard. The friend who fixed my sprinklers did something wrong and 2 trees are dying..I hate to see any animal, human or plant die! They are coming tomorrow to look at the problem..I actually wanted to continue paying a water bill even after not living here til someone moved in because in Vegas all you see are vacant houses with dead trees, grass and plants because they stop paying the water bill..Very depressing, indeed!
I am like a machine,,just getting things done as I can..stressful to put it mildly. Tonight I am going to meet a friend at the pool and try to RELAX! When I relaxed by the pool talking for a few hours last night my neck calmed down! After more red tape BS stress it started again..very telling for those newbies to the TMS process..STRESS does bring it on!
And, I feel like I am chasing the pain sometimes..First the neck, then it's the wrists seemingly from typing or playing piano or painting too much..then it's the knee, ankle, head enough to drive you NUTS! Hope you are feeling better..
Hey it's funny because I bet we have lots of 'spies' reading our conversation but not joining in..I wonder if they think we are crazy, lol!
At least i feel like One person understands what i am going thru! Going to watch the Sarno DVD's as soon as i get a moment..! I need a refresher..
Dave, Art, TT, wrldtrv, etc..where are you guys?? Have you given up on me??
Hugs to you Erata, Have a great weekend!
~Karen |
Edited by - Singer_Artist on 06/24/2011 18:57:16 |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2011 : 19:00:09
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| PS..I changed the topic because I do realize and I am talking to my BRAIN that it's NOT the neck..It's TMS..Now where are my old friends on here? Are you shocked by what happened to me and it's just too intense to reply to. I noticed you are replying to other people with major stress..I would love to hear from you too. |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2011 : 23:15:22
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quote:
Originally posted by Singer_Artist
Are you shocked by what happened to me and it's just too intense to reply to.
Basically yes. Being a latent TMS perfectionist, working on the perfect reply.
DR. SARNO'S 12 DAILY REMINDERS:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0dKBFwGR0g
TAKE THE HOLMES-RAHE STRESS TEST
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale
Some of my favorite excerpts from _THE DIVIDED MIND_ :
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2605
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"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." Jiddu Krishnamurti
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Edited by - tennis tom on 06/24/2011 23:16:04 |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2011 : 01:10:30
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| Thanks TT..good to hear from you.. |
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Erata
63 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2011 : 17:34:04
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Hi Karen,
I hope you’re doing ok today. I sent you an email yesterday with the site link I mentioned, but I can’t get into my Yahoo account so I don’t know if you replied or if it was even sent. If not, let me know and I’ll try again.
I’m sorry to hear about your trees. I hope your pup is better (I also mentioned in my email that my daughter, who’s a vet tech, said that unless there’s an underlying kidney condition, dogs respond very well to UTI treatment, including elderly dogs.)
Hope you got some needed rest & relaxation by the pool—take care!
Erata
(Trying to relax is one of my favorite oxymoronic pastimes too!) |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2011 : 10:38:52
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Erata and all,
I did get that wonderful newsletter about dealing w/ grief from a homicide..It was very helpful, Erata, thank you!
Yesterday when my friend Marc was helping me walk Kaya, my 157 pound wolf dog, he got spooked from a helicopter and bashed into my right thigh irritating my right knee and my neck. Now, 24hrs later I cannot turn my neck to the left or put my ear to my left shoulder, it is locked. I think this is a real injury & it could not have happened at a worse time. My friend is leaving for Calif. later today and I am on my own w/ the dogs again. I have to turn my whole torso to look left..I am sure part of this is TMS, and the last thing i want to do is go to the doctor who will just give me drugs! I've been taking advil & I took a half a valium last night as a muscle relaxant. But that script lasts for years and i only have one or two more left..Don't know if the muscle will calm on their own or how much of this is TMS, how much is a real injury..I know nothing is broken or i'd be flat on my back, of course..so Xrays are useless..I'm wondering if this is as bad as a real car accident cuz of the force of his body hitting mine and my head clearly moved in a bad way to the left..probably ear to shoulder..When it happened, i felt like i lost balance and almost consciousness..but did not..I didn't fall either, almost did..I am at the end of my rope right now and terrified to put it mildly. |
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TMS AGAIN!
