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Dexy
Canada
15 Posts |
 Posted - 01/02/2016 : 10:57:17
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Happy 2016 to my fellow TMS'ers!
So, after posting on here mid-December and then re-reading Ace's Keys to Healing, many of Balto's incredible wise words, as well as lots of Tennis Tom's posts, I felt really, really good.
I had some of my best days in a long while, feeling really light and free, and bonus, my symptoms abated, nearly completely! Woot! And when they attempted to rear their head, I would recall Balto's words to not fear the symptoms, to not fear what the symptoms mean for the future of my health, to not fear the fear...
Another thing that really worked for me which I will share in case it works for others, was to visualize Dr. Sarno telling me "There is nothing structurally wrong with your body, whatsoever". I do believe this to be true to the core of my heart, and have for a long while now, but I still couldn't stop hating the symptoms and getting angry that they were still there. By picturing Dr. Sarno saying that while I was out skate-sking (it's a type of cross-country skiing), it totally helped me to decondition myself from focusing on the pain. I would even pretend that he had x-ray vision or God-like vision and could tell me unequivocally that absolutely nothing, nothing, nothing was wrong with my body whatsoever!
Another time while I was out skate-skiing, the symptoms started and it really helped me to pretend I was telling someone else with TMS not to focus on his or her symptoms; for some reason, I was picturing someone with RSI and how it must really, really feel like something is wrong with their wrist, but that there truly isn't, they just are so scared of the pain and what it means, and I could see it very clearly for someone else, yet not so much for myself. So, when I treated myself as though I were that "someone else with TMS RSI" (although my pain is buttocks/hip), I could see it for what it was, and pull the mask away to reveal nothing but an imposter. (It's so easy to see how others self-sabotage, yet not as much ourselves).
Now for the negative--I still seem to really fear the symptoms when they return.
I am beginning to recognize, however, that what I actually fear is my reaction to the symptoms. I am scared of the awful mood that my reaction to the symptoms puts me in, or that I have allowed the symptoms to put me in, if that makes sense. I want to stay in that state of bliss and lightness that comes when I realize the symptoms are gone and I feel like maybe I have beat this beast for good!
I find mornings the most difficult, probably because I am used to stressing about all that the day entails (I have a three year old and a six month old baby) and I have a good deal of symptoms at that time. This morning, I was feeling it, and instead of focusing on the symptoms totally and wishing they would go away, I tried something different--I tried to see what I was feeling emotionally, aka "Think psychological".
I was feeling so much fear and anxiety. I just let myself feel that fear and anxiety. I went skate skiing again and while I was out there, I kept reminding myself not to fear the moods, because I feel that what I am truly scared of is my emotions. I have repressed them in a multitude of ways in the past and I am discovering that I hate feeling fear and feeling low because I have a strong history of those feelings leading to despair and depression. I mean, no one likes feeling fear or feeling low but when we try to fight it and repress it, it lingers for much, much longer. One of my favourite self-help authors (Martha Beck) says that we need to be able to crank up our "Willingness to Suffer" Dial to be able to feel more peace and joy, even though that seems contradictory. So, I reminded myself that even if I felt symptoms while I was skate skiing, or today at any point, I would do my very best not to fear the mood that comes along with the symptoms.
If the mood is there, I can just let it be; another wonderful TED Talks speaker who had a brain injury (I believe her name is Jill Bolte Taylor)says that an emotion can only last for 90 seconds, but it you try to ignore it or change it, it will persist much longer. So, I am trying to be more courageous and fearless with regards to some of my intense fears and emotions and instead of trying to fight them or repress them, let them be, and not turn them into symptoms.
I still worry that I will never be able to stop the fear and worry and anger towards my symptoms although I realize that is negative self-talk. It's just been several years now and it seems that whenever I get hopeful that I have "FINALLY GOT IT!" that feeling goes away. Come to think of it, I think what I am actually scared of is that amazing feeling/mood going away and when it does (because who can maintain one emotion forever), I blame it on symptoms...it's a vicious cycle....
Thanks for listening and I look forward to your amazing feedback and thoughts, I always find it so very helpful. I'm hoping this will help me turn another corner with my symptoms.
7 months post partum, "diagnosed" with SI joint pain/pelvic laxity which began over a year ago. Normal xray. Not helped by physio, chiro, belts, orthotics, massage, or rest. |
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tennis tom
USA
4746 Posts |
Posted - 01/03/2016 : 06:26:04
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quote:
Originally posted by Dexy
...Thanks for listening and I look forward to your amazing feedback and thoughts, I always find it so very helpful. I'm hoping this will help me turn another corner with my symptoms.
Just saying hi, no amazing feedback & thoughts here, maybe repost at the wiki, more eyeballs there. Most people are hung-over or returning gifts. Sounds like you've got a handle on this TMS stuff, but it hasn't sunk in all the way to that "heart" thingy--maybe a different ski wax is the solution.
I liked your two self-help mentions, the 90 second thing.
My "amazing" thought is, your're out there skiing and maybe you're feeling guilty about not being with your kids. No mention of hubs, is there a hubs in the picture? What are the emotional Rahe-Holmes issues keeping your symptoms brewing?
Sorry for no more amazing thoughts, I'm going back to sleep.Happy NY. |
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Dexy
Canada
15 Posts |
Posted - 01/03/2016 : 10:37:48
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haha, you crack me up! Yes, a new ski wax may be the solution ;) I don't believe it's guilt about my kids as I am only gone for just over an hour and then with them for the rest of the day, and when we go as a family (I am married:) and tow them in the chariot, I still have symptoms...
I haven't yet checked out that test of which you speak, thanks for mentioning that, I will have a look at what personality traits are keeping my symptoms going...although I have a good idea of what those already are (striving, perfectionism, hard on myself, worrier, pessimistic...)
I think just hearing from someone is amazing enough and keeps me on the right track, so thanks for your reply!!!
I will try posting this to the TMS Wiki as well.
Happy New Year and happy sleep (not much of that around here with my two young ones, I'm envious!). Hopefully you get in a game of tennis at some point;)
7 months post partum, "diagnosed" with SI joint pain/pelvic laxity which began over a year ago. Normal xray. Not helped by physio, chiro, belts, orthotics, massage, or rest. |
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tennis tom
USA
4746 Posts |
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Positive and some negative!
