| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Penny |
Posted - 04/13/2007 : 16:47:44
Has anyone experienced a moment where you are completely fine one minute, then leveled in pain the next? I've been fine for the past 24 hours until 1/2 an hour ago ... I was telling my brother about a dreadful customer service experience that happened to me on Monday.
If something like this has happened to you, what have you done?
I never knew rage could feel like this. I need help right now to try to get rid of this. I'm going to try twisting towels and screaming, but it's not enough. Please send other ideas to help me exorcize this. I feel like a crazy person. |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| wharrison |
Posted - 04/28/2007 : 06:19:08
I am not British, but I may as well be. I try to keep the stoic polite nice personality also. I may be getting better because I have begun to curse more...ha I didn't really realize it, but it just started happening.
Another thought that came up was about bullies. I have a very difficult time dealing with bullies. One episode with a bully, I believe, caused a flare up when I didn't fight back.?
Thanks for this great in depth post. |
| Penny |
Posted - 04/19/2007 : 20:29:38
quote:
Originally posted by Littlebird
I was really struck by your therapist's question of why do you felt the need to justify his actions and negate your own feelings, because I do that so often and have been wondering lately just why it is that I feel such a strong need to do so.
LB, Hmm, I wonder if we really need to know the "why" of this, but rather just THAT we do this? Since he brougth this out to me a few days ago, I've observed it in myself frequently... and for now, that seems to be enough to be helping me.
Interesting 
>|< Penny |
| Penny |
Posted - 04/19/2007 : 19:48:08
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I kindof felt funny exploding here online (metaphor for life), but I also feel like if I do it safely here with you guys, publicly, somehow this validates my experieince and hopefully helps others. (Thanks for sharing LittleBird :O)
TT, Well, the question you pose about why I wasn't liberated when I ended my contract with the abusive client is a VERY loaded one, and probably therein lies the rub! (You savvy little analyst, YOU!!!!)
The stage basically was ... I gave my notice to the next Board of Directors, Bully wasn't there. I didn't get to basque in any glory. The reasoning I gave (and my ultimate reason) wasn't to end the abuse, but due to a personal shift in biz philosophy and focus. My quitting represents the end of my pseudo-5-year maternity leave. I took this job (which was very much below my professional experience and abilities) in order to afford stay at home with my girls, until they were in school. By ending this, I also have to accept the end of my girls' babyhood. AND if I hadn't had my recent miscarriage, I probably wouldn't have quit, b/c--even though they treated me like crap--it would've continued to provide my family's much-needed grocery money. (Talk about ambivalence, eh?!)
THEN the other big thing this represents is the fact that I am launching into the next phase of my career. For the past several years I've written a lot of articles and biz collateral for biz, but now I have a HUGE personal entrepreneurial vision that I want to realize. As messed up as my TMS is, I also have a TON of self confidence and the ability to make things happen. (Yes, I'm type A-- and like I said in a prev. post, a recovering perfectionist.) I also have such high expectations for my contribution to the world, and fear failure and self limitation, like all of us. By not having this client anymore, I'm really stepping out on the ledge. This really is a good thing for me, but very loaded--and overloaded my ego and subc. I'm sure ... leading to the TMS gremlin's most recent appearance. I know I'm expecting a lot from myself, but I feel I can do it, just at a different (more realistic) pace than I probably could've 10 years ago.
Thanks for asking me and for having the smarts to hone in on this. Today I had our monthly mtg (I handle the event mgt for it) and I had only slight migraine, but only for about 1/2 hour. Before the mtg began, I was really anxious and so afraid my mind-body would get up to it's antics again, but instead I settled myself down and paid attention to the emotions playing inside me. I tried not to repress/suppress. I did awesome. I was felt sad, but that's good thing.
Another thing that helped me before the mtg was a song I listened to about 10 times in the car. It's Billie Joel's "Pressure". I screamed along to the words on the way there, and arrived with suprising clarity. Yes, I probably looked psycho, but I don't give a toss. Better out than in!!!!!!!
Love you all and thanks again. I'll be offline for a couple days, but I'll be checking back in next week.
P.S. MOTHER F78@*R!!!!! Shawn and NDB ... That's to prove I'm now a in yet ANOTHER self-appointed recovery program ... "recovering repressor"! LOL!!!!!!
>|< Penny
Non illigitamus carborundum. |
| Littlebird |
Posted - 04/18/2007 : 21:25:41
Wow, Penny, this has turned out to be an awesome thread! Your sharing of your feelings and the great responses you've gotten from everyone have been very helpful to me to read through. Don't ever feel like you're just being self-serving when you share your feelings--it's such a relief sometimes to see other people here expressing some of the same feelings that I have.
It's no wonder you're having TMS episodes when people keep denying your reality and expecting you to deny it too. Your brother and other family members, your husband's attitude about TMS, even maybe the casual contacts you have seem to put you in a position of having to accept their view of how you should be feeling. Telling the guy at Starbucks how you really felt was great--you didn't deny your reality in order to make him feel comfortable. I was really struck by your therapist's question of why do you felt the need to justify his actions and negate your own feelings, because I do that so often and have been wondering lately just why it is that I feel such a strong need to do so.
Thanks for letting us in on your experience! |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 04/18/2007 : 20:44:16
quote:
Originally posted by Penny
BTW, how did you get your wife to buy into TMS info. Curious ... was it an effort, or easy?
First of all, she had TMS before (frozen sholder) I did but at that time we both did not know about TMS. I later got TMS with various symptoms with nothing showing up on tests. I found Dr. Sarno's books and start reading them and read passages to her out loud also. She became convinced right away without any convincing and has been able to stop many pain attacks since then using Dr. Sarno's methods. She had a list of other problems including severe allergies to a number of things.
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Sarno-ize it!
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| ndb |
Posted - 04/18/2007 : 13:04:13
quote:
Originally posted by shawnsmith
People who never swear are serious repressors.
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Sarno-ize it!
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Amen!! I got into trouble countless times as a kid for swearing. I stopped in my late teens and I'm sure my frustration had no other outlet. Now I'm back to cursing like a sailor if I feel like it, and expressing my displeasure about things that tick me off to my friends. I don't really care anymore if they think I'm being bitchy or unstable. |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 04/18/2007 : 12:18:20
People who never swear are serious repressors.
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Sarno-ize it!
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| miehnesor |
Posted - 04/18/2007 : 12:04:58
Great work Penny! You are pushing through your TMS symptoms and getting to your feelings. That takes a lot of guts and courage. Keep up the good work! I can relate to that feeling of being at the tip of the iceberg. Don't worry- your feelings will melt the iceberg no matter how big it seems right now. |
| tennis tom |
Posted - 04/18/2007 : 11:09:13
Great post Penny, sounds like you and your therapist are getting to the same page, keep up the good work!
Thanks for sharing your experiences, it's interesing and helpful to many here I'm sure.
I was interested in the story about you firing your abusive client, if you care to tell it. It seems that should have made you feel liberated, but it didn't. Why was it so difficult for you to break-off the relationship?
Regards,
tt
some of my favorite excerpts from 'TDM' : http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2605
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| Penny |
Posted - 04/17/2007 : 18:57:24
If you are interested, thought I share some highlights of my therapy session today ... if not, don't bother reading this lengthy self-indulgent blahblah ;o)
So, I have this fear of my session being up, or my doc pulling the plug while I'm flailing in emotion and really onto my problem, right?! Well, guess what (talk about the power of manifestation!!!!) halfway into our 50 min session we tapped into some very real pain and emotion ... then someone comes in his office and knocks on our door. Doc looks at the clock, and says to me, excuse me, I'll be right back, and he BLEEPING LEAVES ME!!!!!!!!! I sit there reeling BUT justifying his actions. I heard what sounded like a child's voice, so I presumed the person was lost or something.
Doc returns, apologizes and tries--but fails--to pick up where we left off. Then he asks me how I felt when he left. Well, I start defending his decision as if he didn't have a choice, and he starts saying that he "chose to interrupt me" and how do I feel about that. Well, I squirmed and got upset and told him he's being a "bleep" and almost start laughing b/c I know exactly what he's doing. I then tell him that I didn't like it, and I felt pretty crappy about it, and thought it was really rude, but that it doesn't matter b/c I thought he was justified and that it was a child afterall. He says it wasn't a child, it was a grown woman "acting like a child", and I could've chosen to tell her to go away, but I didn't. Then he says to me, "why does it have to be one or the other? Why can't you feel bad about it AND accept that I made the decision to leave you, why do you have to justify my reasons for leaving and try to negate yoru feelings, instead of just accept the fact that I chose to leave AND you feel bad about it?!" Well, this was pretty good and powerful, and he really won me over.
I journaled before arriving so I was in the throes of the migraine and emotion and he really did a good job pulling me thru my mess. I've been working with him since august and today was the 1st time I felt respect for him and what he does. I am really thankful. It was kind of sick, but I get a feeling he enjoyed seeing me so upset thruout our session. Perhaps psychoTs have to be a bit masochistic to be good at their job?!
I still hurt pretty bad, but I feel he is serving me and my TMS process. He recounted the fact that my dad has always bullied me, and that this client bullies and belittles me. I did feel some anger, but I still think it's just the tip of the iceberg.
He was rather amused when I started f-bombing, as I NEVER swear. I mean, I always consider myself much more "creative" with the English language than to swear (says she--poking fun at my silly standards). I actually caught him smiling when I let one fly out of my mouth. It was bizarre, as if he was somehow being liberated by my attempt at liberation. I think he will be looking forward to our next session next week, and so will I in a sort of "can't wait for the funeral" kind of way.
Ultimately, I don't think it matters what he thinks or feels about me, but just that I keep my promise to myself about being fully present for the session and open to anything and allow my emotions to rise, no matter how eratic or psycho I feel.
I went to Starbucks afterwards as a reward. The coffee dude asked me "How are you today?" I unexpected honestly replied to him "I'm have a crappy day, thank you!" and smirked at his flinching reaction. I smiled softly at him and said, "Hey, it's ok ... the day is going to get better after this cappuccino you just made for me."
I couldn't believe how easily I told a complete stranger how I was actually feeling. Wow! Who knew it could be so easy to be so honest with my feelings?!
>|< Penn |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 04/17/2007 : 14:53:15
Rage is like little drops of water which accumulate over time until you have an ocean.
One of my main sources of rage is the knowledge of my inability to control my immediate environment. When things do not go my way or there is an external aggravation (ie noise is a big one) I become very agitated and take it out on the closest person around. Psychotherapist Don Dubin (who does phone consultations) says this is a manifestation of being afraid of not being taken care of. I think this correctly describes me as I am a dependent person.
I don't lash out at people as much as I used to as I can see the anger for what it is (an avoidance of what it really bothering me), but I can still feel this anger on the inside, just seething below the surface and wanting to boil over.
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Sarno-ize it!
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| miehnesor |
Posted - 04/17/2007 : 12:42:21
quote:
Originally posted by Penny
Do you think it's significant to determine WHAT exactly we are repressing that is causing the pain?
I don't think anyone can definitively answer this question. For some just the process of hypothesizing on the sources of the rage is enough for others they have to get more connected than that for symptom relief. For most people it is rage that is the culprit (as in my case) but there are exceptions that I can remember reading here on this board.
The important thing is to probe each one of your serious relationships for where you may have anger even though you can't feel it consciously and be aware of your feelings as you are doing it. The therapist is there to help you with that as TT has already mentioned.
quote:
Originally posted by Penny
Also, if I can get myself to really let go and sob my heart out in session tomorrow, if it is not in context of the actual repression, can it still release and stop my brain's seeming need to create the physical pain?
I doubt this would help you all that much because it is the feeling of the unconscious stuff that gives symptom relief.
I would try and do some extensive dialoging outside of therapy as this will guide you on were you need to go in therapy. Again just be in tune with your feelings as you write and if feelings come up just give yourself permission to feel it. (Also be aware that were there is sadness there is probably anger associated with it.)
Understandably you want to get to the bottom of this as fast as possible but I think you will take some pressure off of yourself by taking your time with it and let it go at the pace that it wants to go. Good luck. |
| Penny |
Posted - 04/16/2007 : 18:29:44
Thanks again to ((((((((Everyone))))))) for pitching in and holding me up with your kind words and support. You guys are a light in the TMS darkness. (I know that may sound corny, but I mean it.)
Do you think it's significant to determine WHAT exactly we are repressing that is causing the pain?
Also, if I can get myself to really let go and sob my heart out in session tomorrow, if it is not in context of the actual repression, can it still release and stop my brain's seeming need to create the physical pain?
>|< Penny
Non illigitamus carborundum. |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 04/16/2007 : 13:06:29
Hey Penny,
Maybe one reason you have trouble finding words for the pain is that the pain is in the unconscious and is pre-verbal, belonging to the part of the self that doesn't work verbally (the right-brain, emotional side is the way some would put it) and/or is too young to talk well.
I always am surprised when books say we can experience deep psychic wounds even before we are old enough to talk, but I suppose I shouldn't be, since we are very vulnerable when young.
I admire your strength in pushing through this and it's kind of reassuring to me to heard that other people sometimes feel crazy too. Lately I have been feeling like I am totally off my head sometimes.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| tennis tom |
Posted - 04/16/2007 : 12:10:27
Hi Penny,
You wrote a very eloquent statment of your condition. You are doing the work necessary to evolve as a human. Your therapist can only act as a guide so that you can do the necessary self reflection TMS work. That's the point of TMS, that the "cure" is within us and not on a pharmacist's shelf.
All your systems are overwhelmed and your psyche is saying "Stop the world, I want to get off". But our culture is not receptive to this kind of thinking, it hinders our collective societal goals of progress.
When I was "significantly depressed" I had the same thought as you sitting in the therapists chair, "Put me away, I can't take this anymore". But I worked through it and life is good again.
The easy way out is to accept the TMS symptom that is handed to us by our unconscious and use it for the excuse for our time-out. The way we try to do it here, as TMS devotee's, is facing the essence of the problem head-on and not being distracted by superficial manifestaions attempting to distract us. This is initialy a harder and lonelier route but gets easier with time and results in us evolving into more "genuine" humans as stated in The Divided Mind.
some of my favorite excerpts from 'TDM' : http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2605
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| Penny |
Posted - 04/16/2007 : 11:08:52
Thank you all so much for the rich replies.
Shawn you are very right. I know this is a fine line, and I think my 2 month sabbatical from therapy was b/c I was so ticked at him. BTW, how did you get your wife to buy into TMS info. Curious ... was it an effort, or easy? I try not to care that he doesn't buy it, but he's my partner and I really don't like it when we aren't on the same page about something so important to me, as TMS and the work I've done so far.
Carbar, Yes, yes yes! I agree. I have to say that I don't attribute my getting better (thus far) to my therapist, in fact I feel like anyone could've done it for me, just being their to point the things out that I should feel anger or sadness about ... that's been such a big help. I always make excuses for other people's behaviour, except my own. Don't we all!? I made a commitment to be open, raw, and a crying mess with my therapist. I also made a decision to try as hard as I could not to give a toss about what he thinks of me, which is the ultimate challenge, as I'm a diehard "recovering perfectionist" (again ... aren't we all!?)
Miehesor, Thanks so much for encouraging me to stay this painful course, and for sharing your discovery story. That makes me feel even more that I'm on the right track.
TT ... well ... love ya babe!!!! Thanks for weighing in and offering your support. Yes, I listened to that awesome program. 24 hours was pain free. I need to listen again.
Last night (at 4 am enduring physical agony and emotional impotence) I kept asking myself, "At what point do I check myself in to the mental hospital?!" Because I am able to articulate the TMS reasons for this to my hubby, and b/c he doesn't buy TMS, it sounds like I'm on another plane and perhaps need to be checked in.
I went downstairs, got a box of tissues and just started re-playing everything in my head: my miscarriage, my firing my client, my brother, a astounding job offer, my kids, my hubby, ... blahblahblah. I started thinking about my IC and how no one ever defends her, and rarely ever has. Do you think I could cry?! No. Not one tear. I could only feel frustratration and couldn't get to the actual emotioanlal pain. I feel a little better (physically) today, but know it's still right there, teetering, waiting to leap out at me again and try to undermine my daily routine.
When I finally fell asleep, I had a dream that I was calmly able to articulate that I feel like my brain has a mental block. Like the things that happened last week just pushed me to the tipping point ... it all was so difficult to accept that I've put up a wall around the sadness and loss I feel, and it's so bleeping tall and rock solid, I can't get at myself.
What is the difference between this and mental illness? I don't have any feelings of harming myself, or others. I don't feel that everything is lost, I just feel like a part of me is temporarily missing. I wouldn't even say I feel depressed, which is really weird b/c last year when this happened I really and truly was depressed.
Gosh, when I read all this, it's so raw. I'm a writer, so words come somewhat easy to me most of the time ... well, except describing my PAIN emotions.
Thanks for reading and holding my hand through this fear. You guys are the BEST. I know this will pass, and that this is going to be one of the most valuable lessons I get with TMS ... I've got symtom imperative today, which I'm taking as a good sign.
I only hope that by airing this experieince here, that other people can benefit from my experience and candor, that this isn't just self serving.
>|< Penn
PS ((((((((Wavy))))))) ... you cracked me up!!!! Yes, I see the entire country is TMS infested. Remember the Pink Floyd lyrics "Quiet desperation is the English way!" I'm now in NC, a southern British Belle ;o)
>|< Penny
Non illigitamus carborundum. |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 04/16/2007 : 07:01:01
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Penny
Another question: I have a fear that if I get into that zone of expelling my pain with my therapist, that our session will be up, and his next appt will arrive and he will have to end with me, leaving me in agony, raw and exposed. (I don't know this for sure, but just wonder what they ethically are required to do?!) Also, another fear of mine is that if my physical pain hits during a session, I literally feel like I am a mental case. If he sees me like that, would he want to admit me to a mental ward? Is it normal to feel ENCRAZED when we get to the heart of our psychological wounds? I just feel so vulnerable and inexperienced and fearful.
>|< Penny
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Penny,
It is important not to fall into the trap of becoming angry at your therapist, although this is quite common, and natural, for people to do. Clients will start nit-picking at their theapists and becoming very critical and even conscioulsy angry over minor issues to the pint they move on to another therapist to begin the process all over again. I think secretly we want our therapists to "fix" us to the point that we are all better. But the "fixing" has to come from us, the threrapist can only guide us in our thinking and questioning. It is looking inward for the answers that will bring about the recovery we seek.
That's my two-cents worth.
Shawn
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Sarno-ize it!
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| shawnsmith |
Posted - 04/16/2007 : 06:53:34
quote:
Originally posted by Penny
His not believing ticks me off b/c he's seen me transform and get over the fibro and carpal tunnel etc due to Sarno's books and TMS theory. But he doens't understand why something so simple as a bad customer service exp. could push me over the edge. We've had a lot going on lately, you know, changes in my work, money (taxes and having to look at last year's medical bills AGGGH!), and I had a miscarriage a couple months ago too. For some stupid reason this customer-service thing just made me go mental. It's so bleeping ridiculous. Hubby doesn't get it, which just adds to my stress, I guess. He's worried that it will happen again tomorrow. So am I to be honest, but I just have to take things one day at a time.
>|< Penn
Penny, you said a mouth full in this paragraph. Dr. Sarno noted that one of the major sources of internal rage is the stresses of everyday life and you, like everyone on the planet, have a lot of those stressors. The problem is that, like me, you become overwhelmed quite easily over even the simplest things and feel like you are losing control. You are expected by those around you to remain stoic and carry on like an adult. But something inside of you is fuming but you are unable to express it.
My wife, who supports TMS 100% and has averted many pain attacks herself as a result of what she has learned from me, has made the insight that over time I have become conditioned to experience pain in responce to stress. The stress may be quite minor on the surface of it, but the conditioning is still very much in place. It was a real eye opener for me and a paradigm shift. In fact, she mentioned it before but I could not see the link because the stressor looked to be so minor. We just moved into a new home and the first weekend we moved in I was over the top with suffering and wept over and over again. But I could see the link between this current stressor.
Now I am in the middle of exams and spending a lot of money setting up our new home so this is also stressful. So I see my symptoms for what they are- a conditioned responce to stress as well as an attempt to grab my attention away from in the stress taking place on the inside which I - for the most part- cannot even feel consciously.
Best wishes.
Shawn
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Sarno-ize it!
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| Wavy Soul |
Posted - 04/15/2007 : 23:49:00
quote:
I'm British, and was brought up to only show nice feelings, no nasties or uglies. And all this feels very ugly.
Well, now you tell us you're a Brit. If we'd known that before we wouldn't have tried to analyze all the other stuff. That explains everything.
btw I can make this joke because I'm British too! I consider my Britishness the number one factor in my personal reservoir of rage.
No one else is allowed to joke about the English, or I'll ***** your **** off (that's British for "get annoyed")
Hey, Pen, have you noticed that everyone in England has TMS? Whenever I go there it appears to be run by the National TMS Service.
xxx Wavy - now a Californian with white teeth and golden skin and big hair
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
| carbar |
Posted - 04/15/2007 : 23:12:47
>>It does sound like this therapist will help you recover from TMS.
Ditto. Especially since you said that you have discovered a lot of info while working with this person. I think it's normal to feel resentment towards the therapist, especially coz we are "culturally" trained to expect experts to have answers, which is not what psychoanylitic therapists really offer. They are more like "uncoverers" and then YOU find the answer.
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