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Lea
2 Posts |
 Posted - 10/15/2004 : 12:05:58
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As I read over many of your heartfelt contributions to this board, it helps me in just knowing I am not alone. I have had TMS all my life, have known about it for several years, and have been largely symptom free for the last two years. I attribute this recent success in large part to the fact that I changed jobs to a lower-stress job two years ago. Like many of you, my childhood sucked, featuring divorce, a borderline personality stepfather, a low self-esteem mother, and a distant father.
I am generally successfull in most areas of my life, except for friendship. I have an okay marriage and great kids (3 and 6). But when it comes to cultivating relationships outside my family, it is very difficult for me. I meet people all the time in functions connected to my kids (i.e., school, parties, girl scouts, etc). However, I feel incapable of taking actions that would turn acquaintances into real friends. I feel isolated and I am almost insanely jealous when I see the relationships that other moms have with each other in my community. I feel like I am looking at something I want desperately but will never have.
I would be very appreciative of any experiences or suggestions you would like to share on this topic. |
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floridaboy
40 Posts |
Posted - 10/15/2004 : 12:50:14
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Make a deal with yourself...permission to feel guilt free of not "developing friendships" if you invite ONE other school mom you like over for coffee in the next month. Just one...and you got a month to do it.
TMS'ers think and live in the extreme. You feel like a failure for not having done more...more friends, more money, better/more patient mother, more everything.
Take 2 minutes and ask someone you like over for coffee...when that happens...do it again...then again and again. Over the course of a year, you will be the most popular Mom at your kid's school. Once someone breaks bread with you in your home...your relationship is forever changed. Sit in someone's kitchen sipping coffee or tea and you will see that person "differnetly". The key is baby steps and relieving yourself of guilt for not doing more.
Now some quick advice...don't ask this person the hypothetical..."So would you like to sometime, maybe, possibly come over to...you know...have some coffee at my place...someday?...or not?"
The answer..."sure". Then nothing ever happens because it get's too awkward...
Ask them in a sincere and confident tone.
"Hey, I've enjoy your company when I see you around school events. You seem really fun. I would really like to get to know you better, will you please join next Thursday morning at my house for coffee...say 10 am after we get the kids dropped off?" If they are busy that morning ask immediately..."that's OK, what morning does work for you? I feel I haven't gotten to know ANYONE at this school I want to change that starting with you!"
If you are employed..no biggy...just ask them in the same way to lunch on a specific day. NO ONE will say no to that either. You will be amazed at how easy it is AND how much you are proud of yourself for taking that step.
Before you know it, people will feel bad when they find out your having Thursday morning tea parties with 20 women who regularly come and they weren't invited! You will be the envy of your community not the other way around. Worst case, you will meet 3 other moms over the next 3 months and that will free GREAT. |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 10/15/2004 : 14:39:50
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quote:
Originally posted by floridaboy
TMS'ers think and live in the extreme...
Wow, that one line really sums it up and puts my TMS at a new level of understanding for me. Its like you read my mind. Thanks, -Stryder |
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Lea
2 Posts |
Posted - 10/15/2004 : 16:44:22
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| Thanks, floridaboy, that is just about the best advice on this topic that I have ever gotten from anyone! I appreciate the specifics and the positive encouragement. I'm going to try it. I'll let you know what happens! |
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menvert
Australia
133 Posts |
Posted - 10/16/2004 : 19:23:53
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Lea,
I have just finally accepted the conclusion that for me, social anxiety/phobia/social inadequacy is my number one TMS related issue.
I feel very isolated and unable to instigate actions which will result in meeting people and making new friends.
In fact many parts of your childhood sounds similar to mine, including my parents divorced when I was 4, both my parents being alcoholic/potaholic and my father who looked after us being very low self-esteem and isolated himself and we were very poor. So as such I built this fear of people, because they might take me away from my dad and leave me All alone.(The irony is this defence mechanism now means I am very lonely-and that's what I was afraid of in the first place)
Only it is rather difficult for me now because I don't actually have a job and I have let my injuries keep me isolated. My injuries are a perfect excuse so I do not have to go out to parties . I do not have to accept invitations to awkward situations, etc etc.
Finally I now have a psychologist who is going to help me through this and he understands and teaches people of TMS. Which is both very scary and very exciting.
So , my brain has been very very effective at keeping me isolated from my social fears. |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 10/16/2004 : 19:52:26
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Menvert,
Have you thought about attending any church group functions? I recently attended a Saturday evening church function. My girlfriend invited me because it was a combination birhtday party afterwards for a friend of hers. There was a band and food. I normally don't attend any religious group but it was fun. It was not my religion either.
I think people at religious groups are more friendly, and accepting of others foibles. It's part of the territory I suppose. I'm sure they play fewer games than at parties or bars.
Even if you're not into organized religion, it may be a good place to meet nice and sincere people. There are churches that are non-denominational and I suppose atheist churches too. It doesn't have to be a religious service. It can be just a lecture.
Hope this helps.
tt |
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menvert
Australia
133 Posts |
Posted - 10/17/2004 : 19:26:28
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yeah church,
lol considering I think organised religion is the root of all evil/war and wrongdoings in the world...
I don't think most churches would work for me, but yes, the thought has crossed my mind before to attend a church, there are social groups I could reach out to I've been thinking I might attend a UNIX users group they have here(which is something I'm interested in) but then it's probably just a bunch of other computer geeks... would still be something tho.
Or there are various political groups I could join :) |
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n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 10/18/2004 : 03:03:56
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Interesting topic. Could it be that the TMS 'personalities' that many of us have, result in difficulties in relationships - especially new ones? Over the last couple of years I have done a lot of soul searching (and I have to say a psychotherapist helped me uncover lots of stuff - eg - I did not bond with my mother when I was little) and while on the face of it I led a full and pretty successful life, inside I assumed that people did not really like me. In fact, the evidence against this was pretty strong - friends have stuck by me, even though I never made any of the running in any relationship - the other person has always had to come to me.
Encouraged by my psychotherapist, I began to approach people, nothing major - just things like go over and introduce myself to a new couple in my street, see if they needed anything. It was so unbelievably hard at first!, but it gets easier.
Menvert, is there an equivalent of Britain's 'Humanist Association' where you are? As you are not keen on organised religion, a philosophical group for agnostics and atheists might be worth finding out about.
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menvert
Australia
133 Posts |
Posted - 10/18/2004 : 21:03:01
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quote:
Originally posted by AnneG
...I did not bond with my mother when I was little)...
Bonding with your mother, you say?,
I know It definitely did not happen with me, but I bonded with a humidity crib :))
I often think that's why I am such technical minded... I was six weeks premature and in the hospital for six weeks before I could actually be held by my mother and father. So in their absence, I believe I bonded with the machine hehe.
quote:
...inside I assumed that people did not really like me.
yes, I have to say I also feel similar towards my friends... but they don't stop accepting me and visiting it is hard to believe that they enjoy my company. And unfortunately this attitude makes me think it leaves people thinking I must be a snob where I'm just afraid that talk.
quote:
...Menvert, is there an equivalent of Britain's 'Humanist Association' where you are?...
I will have to look , I have rather a small community, I live in, but it is fairly alternative... so I should be able to find something. |
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Friendship
